So I’ve been in therapy for a while now. On and off for 8 years. I’ve tried different meds, and group therapies, and individual therapy, been hospitalized twice, etc. I feel so hopeless right now.
I told my therapist how empty I’ve been feeling. I just have this void in the center of my chest that I’ve tried to fill with food and sex and drugs and booze and nothing works. Nothing sticks. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t feel this hollow inside.
Not to mention the physical damage I’ve done to my body over the years of substance abuse. I have marks at the veins in my feet from where I used to inject meth, my liver can’t handle more than a couple drinks without sharp stabbing pains that bring me to tears, my esophagus is scarred from all the vomiting from hangovers, detoxing, and past bulimia. And other shit, like my self harm scars cause I’ve cut since age 11 or the ankle that never healed right after my abuser broke it or how malnourished I am from disordered eating. I hate seeing what I’ve done yo myself.
I have been trying to get sober again and eat better and exercise more, but it’s so hard. Im on medication for my depression and in therapy for that plus my ptsd, I’m even taking vitamins now. I have been trying for years to get better and I feel like not much has helped. I still really want to drink. Being drunk is the one thing I’ve found that makes some of this shit bearable, but it’s also caused so many fucking problems for me.
I don’t like anything about me. I hate how I’m sad all the time, how I can’t trust anyone, how much damage I have done to myself, how I’ve hurt people, just so many things. I used to have hobbies and interests and dreams and aspirations but everything feels so blah. I just hate how awful I feel. I hate that I let it get this bad. I did so much of this to myself.
I want to get better. I want to like myself and feel comfortable in who I am. I want to forgive myself for all my mistakes and apologize to those I’ve let down. I want to be better but it’s so hard. I barely know where to even start.
I just needed to get that off my chest. I’ve got an appointment with my therapist tomorrow afternoon and hopefully it helps. Thanks for listening in the meantime tho.
That’s not a bad start Amanda. I’m sorry for all the troubles in your life. And I know how hard a fight it must be for you to make things better. You are fighting though. You are a fighter. You are here. There is hope. With help you can make ot better for yourself. Get all the help you can get. Together it is possible. Big hugs. Success.
Regardless if some of it was self inflicted, bottom line is you have had a rough go of things. Please believe as long as there is hope there is a way to heal, change, and be the best versions of ourselves. I’m starting over at almost 46 years old… I can’t be more happy that I have a chance to be a better person. I hope your therapy goes well and please keep posting! Take care
Big hugs to you. That sounds like a lot. I don’t know what advice I can give, but for me, focusing on the positive things I do each day makes me feel positive. They don’t have to be big, making ur bed, taking a walk, sharing on here. Feeling positive (and indeed feeling negative) is culmulative.
A few years ago I told my therapist that I didn’t think anything made me happy. I could be happy for others but I just didn’t feel any happiness in my life. I wasn’t even sure I could identify what happy was.
But now I am finding myself truly happy. Not all the time because who IS happy all the time. I still have moments of sadness and shame but I AM feeling happiness.
I can’t compare my experiences to yours but I hope you’ll keep on fighting so that you may find some happiness in your life too.
You are good and you are worthy of love…especially of self love.
Hi Amanda. I can relate and I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I felt like you do for a very long time. Different scarring, same unhappiness. Also didn’t see a way out, also completely at a loss what to do, how to ever get better. Now, I have a life, I have appreciation for myself. I have more positive feelings, happiness and peace inside me than I would ever have believed could be possible, ever, for anyone. And I still have hard times, yes. But still.
How long have you been with your current therapist? It seems like what you did in the past didn’t stick and didn’t help you.
I also did a two year therapy in my twenties which did not work, the therapist could not get through to me, I couldn’t get through to her, and when it ended I really went off the deep end for a good couple years with depression and alcohol absuse. Fun times. Not.
What has helped me to get where I am now, which is on the road to a normal, productive, happy life and personality I can love and respect: sobriety. Above all. Psychoanalysis with a senior, very experienced lady therapist who knows her shit. We have hundreds of hours together which you need to really get in there and unearth and deal with the stuff you cannot change quickly or willingly. It will change over time, but you have to put in the work.
Maybe talk with your therapist about how much time together you have, maybe you can intensify. Maybe you need to challenge yourself more, go where it hurts in therapy. And you need to get sober. Before you get sober, nothing will work for you. Alcohol will always be your way out, your excuse. I’ve been where you are. You can make it Amanda, give yourself a chance! You are worth it!
I can relate to what you said about a void inside that nothing seems to fill. I was like this for so many years and when all other things failed I just tried to fill that void with drink and more more drink. I know this might seem hard to believe now but you can never fill that emptiness with external things. Alcohol and drugs will only make the empty feelings worse, believe me when I say this Sobriety is this first step to filling that void and finding a real peace and happiness that is within you. Stay strong
Hi just so you know there is someone who cares, not just myself and many others here, but yourself. The fact you are here in the first place proves to yourself that there is a part in you, however small, which knows better and aspires for everlasting stability and happiness. Where to begin? You already have! Stay on track and you will gradually feel the empowerment and respect that striving for a pure, clean, healthy, conscious and strong self can bring! It doesn’t happen in a day, but neither did all the harmful exposures from our past, rather what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger! The fact you are here means the seed for you to grow is there and just needs persistent nurturing. Make this your nr 1 goal in life, as genuine peace and happiness and wisdom are the truest gems of anyones lives. Many who fall victim to addictions or unhealthy lifestyles were exposed to toxic childhood experiences, and the mind grew up with those being the norm. Later people begin realizing the defunct cycles they were/are in and that those things are not getting them anywhere. It takes great effort and temporary pain to rewire your brain and lifestyle into a healthy one which actually serves you, as change and the unknown are among what our instincts resist the most. Only when you know what you want, the ideal self you, and ideal potential life, can you gradually proceed to proactively get there. Life is so relative and things which we take so seriously: the past, the future, negative thoughts are not what we think. Wake up Your happiness, everything is in you, let this text be inspiration to get 1 day closer to your deep down dream, the one we were born with as innocent little babies, before restrictions and exceptionism and discrimination and dependency and self-created boundaries and fears and problems, just us, now, here. Life. We’re alive. And we know something which we yearn to find. I feel that void sometimes, childhood abuse scarred my life bigtime and I never could have dreamt of where time and persistent trying brought me. First find out why there may be this void or feeling hopeless? …Loneliness? Betrayal? Unresolved trauma? Lack of purpose? We are like computers absorbing this world’s data, and pick up even the smallest things from somewhere… Make sure to make what you pick up actually be beneficial and mean something to YOU, be proactive, eat fresh, healthy things, do some exercise, learn something you don’t yet know (maybe a language? or some interesting history? or fun facts? or an instrument? or a sport? or how to get where you want to get…?), stay hygienic, sleep enough, cook, drink enough water, get outdoors into fresh aired nature a little and feel the breeze and watch the trees and birds or surroundings calmly just do their thing, socialize with people who might just probably need you too, be open-minded, let go of your burdens because you can. You just did for a second I’m sure Keep it up! I recommend just trying to meditate a little. People are usually hesitant before they’ve even tried… Ever seen how peaceful and loving and disciplined monks/gurus/yogis are with life after years of conscious trying? We all start somewhere. Those who experience negativity know just how much to treasure positivity in this world, and might just become beacons for it themselves one day… Replace any bad habits/thoughts with different, new, nice ones, and see where that takes you… The seed has been planted and all of us here know it or are learning to… Good luck!! <3
Not trying to sound patronizing or condescending or anything but helpful.
Have you tried putting faith in a higher power? God, Jesus, Buddha, Odin, Quezacoatl, ancient aliens, spirit animal? Helped me immensely, putting my faith into something I had no way of confirming or denying, I do know life has gotten better with it’s guidance.
I don’t know your story or beliefs, just offering up an idea that helped me get sober, get content with and allowed me to feel without feeling overwhelmed.
You can only start from where you are. It sounds like you have a lot of awareness about yourself and your issues. I know for me learning to put some of that down, releasing the expectations of what I should be like or want to be like, is so hard. I get so sucked in to trying to fix, to do, that I forget to let myself be. But in the moments that I can find some acceptance for my situation as it is, just let myself be the perfectly imperfect human that I am, those are the moments where I find some peace.
Glad you’re here. Holding some peace and compassion for you until you can find some for yourself
Also if you haven’t seen them already, there are a few really wholesome and lovely threads on here which can be a great place to hang out when you’re feeling shitty.
How did your appointment go? How you’re on the upswing now. I’ve been on that Rollercoaster, too. Cam you do something for someone else right now? That always helped me stop thinking about my pitiful life choices. Take care.
just so you know there is someone who cares, not just myself and many others here, but yourself. 
The fact you are here in the first place proves to yourself that there is a part in you, however small, which knows better and aspires for everlasting stability and happiness. Where to begin? You already have! Stay on track and you will gradually feel the empowerment and respect that striving for a pure, clean, healthy, conscious and strong self can bring! It doesn’t happen in a day, but neither did all the harmful exposures from our past, rather what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger! The fact you are here means the seed for you to grow is there and just needs persistent nurturing. Make this your nr 1 goal in life, as genuine peace and happiness and wisdom are the truest gems of anyones lives. Many who fall victim to addictions or unhealthy lifestyles were exposed to toxic childhood experiences, and the mind grew up with those being the norm. Later people begin realizing the defunct cycles they were/are in and that those things are not getting them anywhere. It takes great effort and temporary pain to rewire your brain and lifestyle into a healthy one which actually serves you, as change and the unknown are among what our instincts resist the most. Only when you know what you want, the ideal self you, and ideal potential life, can you gradually proceed to proactively get there. Life is so relative and things which we take so seriously: the past, the future, negative thoughts are not what we think. Wake up 
