I failed, I hate myself

Life in Recovery
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I am lying in bed right now, not happy with myself no, I hate myself right now.

Today was a challenge in general but, a phone call made it much worse. Thinking about it now though, I have always been the person to say that other people or situations should not determine our day. Well, I did not follow my own advice.

I got into an argument with someone(long story), took it way to personally, and in the end, took out all of my frustrations on a phone. i.e. threw it against a wall :frowning:

This is not something I ever do, and I was not under the influence at the time. I can remember one other time I got so angry I felt like throwing something, but that is it. In 39 years, those are the only two times.

Does not make it right, just a statistic. I really tried to just blow it off, and for a time I did but, in the end I ended up drinking again. My wife was shocked by my display of anger (throwing the phone), and it reminded her of her childhood, which to me, sounds less and less happy.

I was not directed at her or anyone else, there was no one in the room at the time, but the memory was triggered nevertheless. I really felt bad about it but, other than apologising, had nothing to say other than, I am not your dad, and you know that.

Alas, I said that but then continued to drink wine for the evening and smoking, two things she hate. So here I am, about to call it a night. I have not drank a lot but, I heart the one person I love more than anything, and for what? I do not event know.

I am not giving up though, and tomorrow is day 1 all over again. The awesome thing is, I have the above to read as a reminder of why I never want to touch alcohol again, no matter how bad the day, or week was.

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Do not hate your self, you are a Great guy i am sure of it :slight_smile: i see in the way you write that you know that u could handle that Phone call differently . Its strange how feelings blow up, its tough to handle different things in a calm way sometimes . When it comes to a surdent point try take a deep deep breath.do that several times, talk With your loved one . Put it all on the table. Tell and listen. You need her support and she needs your support also. Comunication are the Main thing. I really hope you work this out. Fam therapy tried that ?

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You’ve identified the trigger (the phone call argument) and now you can hopefully avoid or prevent it in the future.

Relapses do happen. The important part, as you’ve already pointed out, is that you can use this as a motivator not to drink. You’re sobriety will be all the stronger for it.

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The fact that you can acknowledge your mistake says a lot about you. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Anger can bring out the ugliest side of someone and I’m glad you apologized to your wife. Try not to let people who don’t know your heart get the best of you. Your a good guy :slight_smile: let’s stay positive and strong!

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Thank you each and everyone for taking the time to post. Today is day 1 again, I need to make some apologies, and the first is to myself. I have been putting myself down, criticising myself into the ground, and not allowing myself to accept compliments or kinds words.

This has broken me to the point where my relationships with others suffer as well as my relationship with myself. Thank you for all of your suggestions, especially the part about not being so hard on myself and shaming myself.

It’s a new day, a new cycle if you will, and I am ready to make this time a success.

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