So my bpd mother came over to the house me and gran live and decided to mention that the meds that are getting delivered to help gran with her back pain include the pain medication tramadol. The family knows i had an opiad addiction during lockdown. I was 2 months and 2 days clean. When i heard that those meds would be in the house i broke down crying and my mother went okay im leaving. And me being my addcited self went to pick up the meds for gran and stole 4. They were crushable and 100 mg per tablet and i took all 4, sat on the balcony all night, smoked 60 ciggies and imagined my fantasy world story. Im so scared because of how much i enjoyed it. Im hoping i wont be dragged back as im not on lockdown anymore, i have a job i like, my uni starts tomorrow but im scared because i really enjoyed the time i spent. Although now i feel really sick and trying not to throw up. I know that over doses usually happen when you havent tried the drug in a long time and then take too much. I dont believe ive overdosed but i do think i went too hard and am now paying for it. What i need from this is any stories from people who have had a slip up but didnt go back into the addiction hole. Dont bother with anything about my mother or family support as thats a lost cause and i have already spoken to gran about keeping the pills on her at all times and to lie to me if she ever needs pain pills in the house so that i dont know about it. Please help, i fucked up and im so scared that ive flushed all the hard work down the toilet. I feel lile absoloute shit.
What you need is a program of recovery. Those stories are all over this forum and they didn’t stop you from picking back up. You’ve been here for a while and it seems like you are usually just fantasizing about using again. You need to focus on recovery. SMART is online and easily accessible, as is AA. Therapists and counselors are still taking on patients. Rehabs are still operating. There’s plenty of options but you need to actually put in the work.
I agree with @dalex77, you start a topic and NEVER respond to any of us. We’ve all been here for you but you’re not putting in any of the work. It seems like you’re waiting for someone to tell you it’s ok to pick back up.
When I tried to AMA from my second rehab I figured everyone would try and stop me. Instead my counselor pointed to gate and said “go ahead and get walking. I don’t have time to fuck around with people who don’t want to be here”.
That man saved my life.
People here WANT to help others but ultimately YOU need to put in the work. You want to get sober? Change it up, hit a meeting, get a sponsor. You post something then you say save the stuff about my and mother grandmother. If this isn’t rock bottom for you, treat it as such and do whatever you have to do. You said that your afraid you enjoyed it too much. I don’t think that’s the right way to get the response you’re looking for as no one here is going to cheer on your addiction. We want you to be the best you possible and not glorify your addiction. People will support you but YOU have to support YOU as well… I wish you luck.
What are you taking at uni? Any good classes? Get lost in those and don’t find people who use. Do new things, talk to someone you NEVER thought you may find interesting… challenge your campus life in the light of day with lots of non using friends and music.
Well here we are 2 days after you post a plea for help and you have not logged in since. How do you surmise this is helpful for you? I mean it’s helpful for us, so that’s a bonus. But how is it helpful for you?
Okay im here. Im not good with actually conversing with people about this stuff. I dont know what to say. I just try and take on what people leave in the comments and keep moving in life. Havent taken since that night. Back at work and just trying to do better i gusse. I dont know what else i can say, thank you for wanting to help me.
Im sorry i dont respond. I never know what to say back to people so i just heart the message to show i appreciate the advice and apply the advice moving forward. Thank you for wanting to help
I didnt get on here because i already felt let down by the family in my life who i was beging to take this seriously and werent. I gusse after that i used it as an excuse to not reach out for anymore help and just give in. I need to learn that they are not the people to go for help. I know you cant help an addict unless they want to be helped but it feels like im bi polar between wanting help and wanting to just continue. I dont want to believe that i have to physcially hit rock bottom for it to finally hit me. Im am trying and i will keep trying. I will treat this as a slip up and nothing more and keep trying to create a life i dont need to escape from. Thank you for your words
Hello @Brooks. From the outside looking through your posts and responses, it seems to me that what people want is more accountability and consistency from you. After all, this is a forum which has conversation between people. They try and help you, and in return, just responding and being present to others is part of recovery. I understand you may may not think answering people is easy for you, but you have to try. Otherwise it just seems like a journal entry. (Which you should also try) if those around you are not supportive, you know all of us are. Don’t take that for granted. You must put the work in. And conversing with others is part of that. Also, no disrespect, but please don’t confuse bi polar disorder with being fickle. This is a real disorder that a lot of people struggle with, sometimes along with addiction. The thought of
is more of you not fully making the commitment with yourself to stop using… I’m afraid your mind is still making excuses my friend. Dig deep and find that reason that keeps you going. And then KEEP GOING. whatever it takes. 
I will try and take on your advice thank you
Are you willing to commit to a program of any type?
Im not sure what program you are referring to, i can start doing research for some group sessions, NA, rehab is not something that will actually be benefital for me. I am working full time, studying full time and now going to the gym, im regaining my life back, my dependance is not physical its deeply physcological, i need to create a life that im not wanting to escape from. This isint just me coming up with ideas this is from a discussion with physcologists and phyciatrists about my addiction. Before i was clean for 2 months i spent a lot of time looking for how best to battle this and i worked tirelesly to understand it for me. My addiction is based on very specific circumstances. I must have smokes and music or i will not take any opiad. Since that night on tramadol i smoked way to much and feel so put off from smoking that im now 3 days or so no smoking. Gonna cut off the tail if i cant cut off the head. Without smokes i have no desire for opiads. Cuz i cant escape like i want. Little things and keep going. I understand that some people can only recover by doing certain things and i would never not advise someone to go to rehab or see specialists but i have discussed this with many specilacits. It might not have been clear as i dont communicate on here but there were many steps i did before coming onto this forum and being clean. The main thing i wanted to get out of this forum is wisdom from peoples experiences and support from people who have been down the same road as my family support is non exsistent. I do believe i need to look into something for when im in a position like a few days ago, so i can go there for help before jumping off the deep end staright back into opiads again. I hope that clears things up and thank you for caring enough to want to help me. It is appreciated
Whoever wrote this paragraph please if I can get to know you it would be great. I LOVE HONESTY for my recovery please if you could say hello to me so we could talk thanks a lot. NO MATTER WHAT I DON’T USE!!!
Hi there, I’ve wrestled opiates. Its not easy, but if I can you can. Heres some alternatives to 12 step that helped me.
https://www.smartrecovery.org/smart-recovery-toolbox/smart-recovery-online/
https://recoverydharma.org/home
I use the free version of this and it helps when I get wound up.
Youre brain (the stupid sob, 
) will always remember how god it felt. Altough in time it somewhat forgets, but the craving may jump you anyday. The trick i guess is to add feelings that tops the feeling of taking the drug. My doc is heroin so were in the same ballpark, I Now the feeling!
I went thru an oxy addiction, that turned into heroin. September 2019 I was coming home from work on a Friday night Saturday morning around 4am, when I fell asleep at the wheel, while high, and slammed into a tree head on doing about 45-50. Woke up in the hospital having had emergency surgery to repair a my torn aorta valve in my heart, broken ribs, pulmonary contusions that required chest tubes. Not to mention a compound fracture to the bone that connects my knee to my tibia and fibula, shattered ankle, and broken bones in my foot and hand. By the grace of god, I survived to tell my story. Even after all that I relapsed 2 more times before ending up in the hospital again with severe withdrawal symptoms. To this day I’ve been sober 7 months and 15 days. I failed and picked myself up, and every morning I say to myself “Fuck Heroin”. You have to take it one day at a time and after a while the days, weeks, and months will add up. You can beat it!!