My mom and stepdad are taking a break, I don’t know how long, but I’m a wreck
The last few weeks I’ve been nearly relapsing way too often. I thought this was due to a lack of motivation. Today the cause of all problems lately has been revealed. My stepdad. If you’ve read my diary thread, you may now that he is terminally ill and that I saw him as a delight. Despite his illnesses, he made everything out of life. He was so positive. But that has changed. The man who introduced himself as my mom’s new boyfriend over a year ago, the man I loved and adored so much, is gone. He has given up. He has stopped caring about the good things in the world. He constantly thinks I’m lying to him and that I’ve relapsed. He has become selfish and uncaring of those around him and it has caused worse energy in the house than my abusive father did. I am constantly afraid I’m doing something wrong. He is slowly deteriorating in front of me and it’s tearing me apart.
This evening it all became very clear. My sister had an argument with him, this caused an argument between my sister and my mom, which led to all previous things being revealed for us. My mom talked with him. 2 hours later he came downstairs telling us he was gonna leave for an uncertain amount of time and perhaps he might not even come back.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve already cried a shitload, but the pain is not going anywhere. I just feel so fucking awful. I know that in the long run that him leaving is very good for me, but this is still the short run. I have not felt like relapsing though.
I feel so guilty since he is a dying man who is all alone soon if he decides not to come back and I’m part of that since my mom based her point of view on my recovery being at risk with the selfish new him around.
I don’t hate him or anything, but I hate how he has changed. I miss the man who broke an egg on my mom’s head to cheer me up. I miss the man with never-ending positivity. I miss the man who believed in me. I miss the man who I’d joke with. I miss him so much. I hope this break will do him good and that he’ll see that he’s become selfish, but what if he doesn’t. What if he leaves forever. I can’t handle that right now.
I’m sorry if this doesn’t make any sense or if it is repetitive. I’m a wreck right now.
