I feel so stupid

So I’ve been using for the past month almost every day. Before that I only used recreationaly together with my BF, like once a month, and it was fine for me. Our “drug of choice” was mephedrone.
But about two months ago I used on my own for the first time. And it wasn’t as scary or complicated as I thought. I bought it by myself. I went and got it myself. I didn’t overdose, I felt amazing. It was so easy. It killed my anxiety instantly, I felt so happy, I could literally think about NOTHING.
So I used again. And again. Eventually I started showing up high to work. I’m still shocked no one figured it out even though I lost a lot of weight and I was acting really weird all the time.
I’ve told no one. My BF doesn’t know. I’m shocked he doesn’t. I wanted to tell him so badly, because I felt awful when I sobered up,I wanted someone to see and stop me, because I couldn’t stop myself.
We live together with my BF in a tiny apartment, and that was something that stopped me from actually binging, I could only use during tge day while I was at work. But I had to stay at my moms place for a couple of weeks to sit with our dog, and… Well, I’ve been using every single day for the past three weeks, except for weekends when my BF came to visit.
Last night I went to sleep for the first time in three days. This morning I woke up and I realized that I spent a shitton of money, and my nose hurts and bleeds, and I look like a skeleton, and my anxiety kills me and I want to use so fucking bad, and I want to tell someone so fucking bad but I just fucking can’t because I’m so scared.
I changed my password on the website I used to get meph to something random and didn’t save it anywhere. I destroyed what remained of my stash. I installed the sober up. I’m 20 hours sober.

I think I 'll tell my boyfriend someday, or if I relapce. I just know that he will be devastated if he finds out. I don’t want to hurt him.

English isn’t my first language, sorry if I sound weird.


How long has this been going on?

The binges started a month ago I guess. But I started using on my own like a couple of months ago. It really sounds like nothing, but I already felt trapped.

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I am glad to hear you are sober now and I send you my best wishes. Stay here at this forum. Read peoples stories. It helps.

Been there… :pensive: 610 day’s clean now… :raised_hands: You can do this… You’ve got a great start… Lots of people with lots of problems and solutions learning to escape together… Stick around… :point_up::blush:

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