Here I am again. Back after weeks of drinking. My stomach hurts, my head is pounding, I am beyond depressed. Im wondering when will I ever fucking change. Im doing drugs all the time. Im a wreck. I stay drunk and when I finally sober up Im so ashamed that I go right back to drinking. I cant take this anymore. It feels pointless to even try and quit cause its so hard. Everyone eles my age can drink on the weekends and be fine. Im sick as hell today and Im honestly already thinking about drinking and I dont know why! Im so tired of living this way. I hope I can get the strenth to stop…
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You can find the hope and the healing in the rooms of AA. When I was early in my sobriety I did not have a chance of stopping on my own. I needed the sober members of AA to show me how to live a sober life. I have come to find that all over the country there are AA groups centered on young people. You can find people your age, who stay sober a day at a time, that will help you in your journey. I was part of my local Young People in AA (YPAA) for quite some time and it was truly amazing.
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I’m sorry, have you thought about trying rehab?
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You can’t know that, they may just well get as shitty as you do, we drunks can live a pretty good double life.
It also sounds like you’ll miss drinking cause you don’t know how to connect without being fucked up.
Have you tried any programs like AA or SMART recovery? I could always stop drinking, but I couldn’t stay stopped for the life of me even when it was clear that drinking was the single most destructive force in my life. I learned how to stay stopped and enjoy life thanks to AA and my IOP group.
Change it all up, rebirth time. We get a chance to get it right every day, but we can’t move forward today if we are shackled to our past
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Thanks guys. I have tried meetings I just feel so out of place. I always want to talk about what Ive been thru and why I drink. But I always get scared to open up… Ill start crying if I talk about why I am the way I am. I have thought about rehab but I cant because of my job…
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Crying is permitted. I couldn’t tell you the number of men and women I’ve seen cry at a meeting, and then the outflow of support that follows. I also couldn’t tell you the number of men and women I’ve seen hit meetings and not say anything at all.
You’re not alone.
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The first couple of meetings I went to when I first got off meth, All I did was cry the entire meeting. What helped me was sharing here on TS. It gave me the opportunity to share and cry at my own pace without feeling judged.
We’re all here to listen if you need it. 
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for me this here is my counciling, there’s no way I could go sit in a room with other people, on here you can let it all out and someone is always listening.
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Hey @Andrea_Sapp I am SO happy to see you here again. I’m sorry you’re feeling so crappy but I’m glad that you haven’t given up on yourself yet.
My suggestion…right now, while you feel like crap (physically and emotionally), write yourself a letter. Describe everything you are feeling right now with brutal honestly. Then write about what you hope for yourself, what you can only get if you stay sober. Then put that letter somewhere that you can keep on your person at all times so when you are feeling tempted you can pull it out and read…to remind yourself what you will feel the next day if you take that drink right now. I know my letter really helped me in the early months. I called it my “Dear Dumbass” letter (kinda like a “Dear John” letter)
YOU CAN DO IT!!
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Decide to be better, and then be better. Better begins with sober. You will always find a reason not to go to meetings or talk, because it’s uncomfortable for you. You need to push through that and become comfortable being uncomfortable. It being difficult has nothing to do with it. Drinking and drugging is dying, and dying is easy. Living is hard. Start living
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Hi Andrea…it is hard, especially in the beginning but it get easier to make thru the day with the more days you have sober… All of the advice offered here does indeed help but you have WANT to succeed. If your willing to get there you will, whatever it takes, meetings, blogs, friends, sober friends anybody that you can talk to when u need someone. But, you have to WANT to. All the help in the world isnt going to be helpful if you dont WANT to change. And in all that has been written here, CHANGE is what it’s going to take. You have to sincerely WANT TO CHANGE…good luck Andrea, you CAN do this if you WANT to…
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I have cried at meetings and I fully intend to to cry at future meetings.
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Hi Andrea… I would say don’t be so hard on yourself. There is plenty of help in the AA rooms. People that can take you under their wing and really help you get through the beginning rough patch… That’s what AA people do… I’d recommend go to a couple of meetings find some people you connect with and get a sponsor and start the 12 steps with the big book with them… I didn’t believe it could help me and I’m so glad I stuck with it… I can’t even imagine having a drink now! Good luck! 
( If you told me 6 months ago I’d be driving an hour and half away with my sponsor to be guest speakers and lead a meeting I’d have said you were nuts… but that’s what’s happening now) 
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Google AA meetings in your city. I have been EXACTLY where you’re at. I would be so sick and go back at it. The guilt and shame became too much for me to bear. AA is the only way or better yet, if you have insurance, a 30 day treatment program is like 30 days getting to know who you are again. But just going to an AA meeting, introducing yourself when they ask for newcomers is a great start. You will get so much support there. I could not stop drinking. Even young people your age get sober. Lots of them! Some people just cannot drink. Our brain responds to alcohol differently than others. Once you have the mental obsession to drink, you just can’t turn back to being a normal drinker (whatever that is). I tried over and over to drink like a normal person. Sobriety is giving me back my self respect, dignity and happiness. Give AA a chance! 
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I’m pretty sure there are legal protections around going to rehab as far as jobs are concerned. It might vary depending on where you live but from what I know, you can’t be fired for going to rehab.
The fact that you are here and reaching out is a huge step. You are trying and that’s something. I like what @VSue said about writing yourself a letter. It can be very cathartic. Stay strong and don’t give up. There’s hope!
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Andrea, the gift of desperation…
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I’m 51 and starting over again now. I don’t know what drove you to drink, but we all had something. I believe you can do this. You are worth it. And I wish you peace.
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Well done for being honest with yourself about the extent of your problem. Recovery is challenging but I promise you that you can. Start right now and by a DBT workbook. “The Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Skills Workbook” by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey C Wood and Jeffrey Brantley has literally saved my life. The urge to drink and use are the symptoms of other things, and that feeling can be overwhelming. DBT helps your mind rewire from often self destructive impulsive actions. It can teach you how to create space between the urge and the reaction so you can make a conscious decision that best serves you. It works but you have to do the work. This has been invaluable to me on my journey. Take it one hour at a time and know that you deserve to know who you really are and drugs and alcohol will always get in your way. Btw I’ve had probably hundreds of relapses, they do not define future success, trust me. Look into DBT.
“There is something so beautiful inside you
That if you knew it, you would fall in love with it. It is irresistible. You can truly experience that”
-Maharaji
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I am sorry you are going throught all that…Looking, I’m reading a book called #5 second rule by Mel Robbins.It is quite helpful to me.I managed to avert an urge of watching Porn yesterday by a whisker.Just check out the 5 second rule.I will push you to a bettter place.
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I totally understand about being scarred to open up. I feel like I would be judged as I keep picking up.
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