Id gone 74 days and last night i drank. I hate myself
I feel like shit. Ive got anxiety. And the thing i dont understand is why. Why i have done this to myself. I drank a full carton of cans. And i didnt even enjoy it. Why do i do this to myself. So sad at moment.
2 Likes
I’m sorry Stacy, I can tell you are really upset 
74 days is really good and you came on here after which is really great.
How have you been working on your sobriety? Maybe adding some new things will help? What was going on for you to decide to drink?
3 Likes
Boredom i think and fed up with my job. And also my boyfriend normalizing drink " have just one" yea one doesnt and never will work for me ever…
Im also feeling a bit stuck with my circumstances no money no career and only able to get jobs where im looked down on. I thought being sober would finally give me a clear signal of what i can do with my life and having more clarity has only made me realise how stuck i am cant afford to better my self to get a better career and im 37 in 2 months. Just tbought wats the point and forgot all my reasons to stay sober. But i am so violently ill from it. I now know why i cant drink. Sorry im rambling. Just feel stuck. Thanks for reply xxx
2 Likes
That you drank doesn’t change the fact that for 74 days, you said “no” to the drink that matters…the first drink.
It’s OK to be disappointed, but don’t hate on yourself. Instead, decide to be better, and then be better.
You can do 75 days. How do I know? Because you’ve done 74. If you can do 74, then you can do 75. All you have to do is keep saying “no” to the drink that matters, for 75 days, and you can, because you’ve done it for 74.
And maybe you slip, and don’t say “no” to the drink that matters. Have a plan for what you will do, if you say “yes”. I have such a plan. I made a promise to myself that if I ever again say “yes”, I will immediately begin attending meetings.
I don’t want to attend meetings, but I will if needed. But because I don’t want to, I have extra motivation to keep saying “no”.
Keep getting better at getting better each and every day.
16 Likes
Don’t be sorry, and you weren’t rambling I can relate to everything you just said tbh.
I drank to avoid my issues with my husband. I drank to justify my actions. I drank because he would push alcohol and it was hard to say no. I drank because I am addicted to drinking.
Once I got sober, oh man, it was so hard to face reality, and having all that clarity-my emotions were every where. And they still are. Around 80-90 days, I had a lot of down feelings about drinking and could have easily relapsed.
I don’t think you are “running out of time”. I’ll be 35 on January. I’ve been in a mid life crisis since I was 28 I swear lol Being sober, you will be able to accomplish the things you want. Take small steps and set small goals and accomplish them one at a time. Today is your day one or keep going with 75 honestly. After this hangover passes you literally never have to feel this way because of alcohol again.
I hate hearing your boyfriend say it’s just one. I’m sorry but fuck that. He’s not dealing with this hangover and regret now. Please message me next time he offers you something and we can talk. Or we can talk on the phone.
9 Likes
Well now you know, just 1 means 1 case of cans.
A useful tool to help you move forward.
Get back on the horse, and giddy up.
7 Likes
I can really relate to this, and I am so sorry that this happened. Even though you are disappointed in yourself, remember that you did 74 days because you are awesome, and strong, and for 74 days you told alcohol to fuck right off. I am 36 and I have actually decided that now is my favorite time to be alive- mid life crisis and all! Maybe you could set a goal for yourself- take all the $ you would spend on booze and treat yourself to a nice vacation. Or something else you would like! Did you go to AA or have any other support during your 74 days? I also know what it’s like to have a partner try and feed me booze. But thank goodness that’s not happening anymore, it doesn’t make it easier. I’ll extend the same offer @Lionfish did (because she’s awesome) and feel free to message me or call anytime. Just remember, you never have to feel like this again if you don’t want to. Take back your power, build up those days again, and have an awesome sober life 
️
3 Likes
@Yoda-Stevie - dang, how did you get so wise? I always love reading your posts and always take something useful away. 
6 Likes
Aww thank you so much for all your kind words its touched my heart. Every reply really helped me lots… and maybe i am having a little crisis. I know im not old but im not youngs either. And its been freaking me out being a woman with no kids no career. And all because of drink. And i do have a lot of resentment towards my boyfriend. I tgink he prefers me drinking and its so sad because it will kill me. And yes if i can do 74 i can do 75. I am so proud that i told alcohol to fff off. And everyone here. You know what? I rhink even the illusion is going. While i was getting drunk i just felt sick.i think its hold is getting less and less! Thank you to the offer to call you girlsđź‘if it wasnt for this site id be so alone and i think its saved my life. Really has .love to you all. Xxxx
3 Likes
An added note me and my boyfriend have crippling low self esteem and he has even worse paralyzing anxiety. He told me 2 days ago. He wouldnt have children because he should stop his gene pool because hes the weak link and a disgusting human.because hes short in height. I was so utterly upset and i now realise this was also a catalyst to drink. So the man i love has no wish to have kids with me and never will.and cant love me enough sober clearly. God my heads a mess. Thanjs again to everyone.the friends i never met. Has anyone had low self esteem and managed to find a cure and got better?
No i never been AA… does it help you?? Xxx
1 Like
Yes. I did the first 80 days without AA but I felt like I needed more support. It’s awesome- I met so many awesome sober people who text me daily to check in, do coffee before meetings, who are all there for the same reasons. Maybe check out a meeting and see if it’s right for you! Lots of people also do SMART meetings
3 Likes
️ What she said 
1 Like
Easy…make every mistake imaginable, some of them twice, figure out what works and what doesn’t, and never forget the lessons. Experience is learning from one’s mistakes. Wisdom is learning from the experiences of others. You see me as “wise”, but from my perspective, I am just experienced.
7 Likes
I have thought the same thing about his posts. Such a wise man.
2 Likes
My 2nd relapse was awful. I was staying at my mums in England, hated the place I was in and missed my “home”. I stayed up all night, drank a bottle of grey goose (i dont even drink vodka!) and booked a 1 way flight back “home”. 3 days later, I was back in my regular seat at my regular bar drinking and snorting til 1pm the following day. I then spent the next 6 months in and out of hostels, sleeping rough, working tirelessly just to afford my addictions. You obviously have different reasons for your relapse but i can imagine the feelings are the same - I was absolutely lost. I’d wake up in the mornings feeling gutwrenchingly empty but I was always the comedian - I’d wear 4 bandanas and saunter about drunk and high but inside was screaming to get out. When I finally realised that the drinking was the catalyst, I made the decision to never be in that situation again and Im determined not to relapse a 3rd time. Ive only been on this forum a week max but reading and talking on here everyday has genuinely helped me to gain confidence in my ability not to relapse again where before hand, I was getting to the point where I was thinking “One wont hurt”…ohhhh it will!
If there’s truth in the saying “learn from our mistakes” then your post has shown me I should learn from yours.
And if “Every cloud has a silver lining”, i hope in someway that you can see a silver lining for yourself in that today you have motivated me to stay sober for another day. Thankyou for that 
5 Likes
I totally agree and i wasnt for one minute intending to even try now.but its it was like a definite no forever. And well we woman havent got forever. It was more just having a crisis. Can i ask how,you feel about your decision? I wouldnt want a child in this mess mainly bacause of my problems. It was more what he said about himself and the no under no circumstances. I always like to think anything is possible like hope and he just crushed me. For some reason i cant just say a resounding no to kids and be happy with that. Xx
And im so glad these post do. They help me tremendously.
Also The illusion of enjoying drunkness wasnt as strong this time. Like it had lost its grip. Reading these posts every day are seeping it to my subconscious. The biggest part of our brain. Keep being healthy and happy.x
And also because of maybe my low self esteem. I think can he love me if he doesnt want a child with me ever. How do you get past them thoughts? If you even have them. Thanks
…I mean, if there is anything to take from it, thats the money right there. And as far as I can see, progress.
2 Likes