I fucked up. I was sober for almost 10 years before my first relapse. I love my wife and I love my child so much but I hate myself. I’m not suicidal at the moment, I’m just hurt. I’m hurt, I’m mad, I’m sad, I’m frustrated. I am so mentally exhausted over my fuck ups and the lies about drugs, I don’t know how to make it up to my wife that I’ve done it again because the trust is gone so I know she wont trust me again. Why do I fuck everything up when it gets good we just got past the last relapse she trusted me she loved me, I know she still loves me but how can she love someone who has broken her so badly over and over?
12 Likes
Hey Ian, welcome to Talking Sober. You’re going through a lot right now, and I know how much relapsing sucks. I know I’ve done really stupid awful things while drinking. What are you doing to work on your sobriety? IMO, for right now you can’t “convince” your wife of anything –you have to prove yourself through actions. You had 10 years sober, so you know you have it in you!
9 Likes
I know I just keep hurting her I don’t mean to. I think she knows I don’t mean to hurt her but I called last night for an outpatient program. I’m looking into meetings and which ones to go too. I am so disappointed, disgusted, and in hate with myself and I want to focus on us but she knows it will last a few months then I’ll fuck up again. I’m not sure what to do or where to go.
8 Likes
Welcome Ian to the forum! I think coming on here and sharing was very courageous of you.
Relapsing sucks 
I had 3 years at one point before heading back out, so i can sort of understand a little bit of where ur coming from. But not all is lost! You gained a lot of knowledge over those 10 years of sobriety and that knowledge is not lost. It sucks to start over for sure, but i feel like u know what u need to do to get back on track 
uv proven to urself that u CAN do it!
Do u know what happened leading up to ur relapse? Was it complacency in ur recovery that caused it? Or an event? Taking a look at what happened can be useful information for the future
And i see that u called for an outpatient program and are looking into meetings. Thats great! If it helps, there are online meetings thru the Intherooms app also. In-person are better in my opinion but if u need something to start u off, maybe online would help? The app is free, u just need to sign up.
Your wife may have lost some trust in u but the only thing that may help, is u focusing on u and ur recovery. Over time, she will see the actions u are taking, and I would hope that the trust would get rebuilt. If we dont have recovery, we have nothing. So recovery must come 1st!!
I hope that u use this app to its full advantage. It has helped me get 4+ years of recovery. Read the threads, check in often, and try to forgive urself for the slip up. We are human beings and make mistakes. We have the disease of addiction. It doesnt make us bad people 
8 Likes
You have to find a way to love yourself. Loving other people won’t keep you sober. Recovery is more than just putting down our vices. Walk the path of recovery for yourself. Best wishes to you.
13 Likes
Wow. This really resonated with me today, thank you. 
6 Likes
Relapsing after a years sobriety is something i have never done. This is the longest and only years+ sobriety ive ever had. It can be intimidating but as long as i dont pick up the first one ill keep learning how not to pick up that first one.
3 Likes
I decided to try drinking again with almost ten years sober.
I thought it would be easy to come back if it didnt work. I was wrong.
One of my biggest obstacles was not being willing to admit defeat. I had some weird thing in my head that I couldn’t give up. I had to make it work.
Then when I did beat myself up enough to try I didnt appreciate my new milestones.
30,60 and 90 mean shit because I had been sober much longer. It was easy to start over with that mind set.
This one was huge!
The same things that got me sober last time work this time if I’m willing to put the effort in.
I had trouble coming back to AA. Ive recently been going again and its been awesome!
Today I’m grateful for every moment sober. I work hard on my recovery. Im humble. I planning on making it beyond ten years this time.
Be kind to yourself.
7 Likes
Maybe try a meeting get a sponsor and get phone numbers lift the phone before the drink or drugs . Effort and desire helps wish you well
2 Likes