So, this morning I worked out that today is day 18. I haven’t used methamphetamine for 18 days. That’s pretty good. The fact that I lost my job and have no money is a huge part of how I’ve made it this far. But I’ll take a win wherever I can.
Some days passed in a blur. Some days have dragged. I pretty much slept and ate the first 4 to 7 days. Now it’s battling cravings and dealing with the constant swing in my emotions. Its exhausting. For me, and my husband and my children. We are all over my shitty, mean, depressing mood swings.
I’ve been addicted to meth for 6 years now. I’ve tried to get clean a couple of times in the past. The longest I’ve made it was 16 weeks. I’m ready for this to be the last time. I’m getting older and feeling my mortality I suppose. Not to mention the fact that it’s just not fun any more.
My husband is a police officer so my drug use is a huge issue for us which leads to sooooo much lying and secrecy and guilt and shame…kind of puts a damper on the whole thing. Obviously I have a tonne of trauma from my childhood that I need to deal with, as well as the guilt and shame and feelings of worthlessness. Today I went and saw a GP for a referral to a psychologist. I’ve tried drug counselling in the past. It helped with strategies and trying to change unhelpful thought patterns, but I feel I need to deal with deeper, underlying issues.
The thing is, I’ve been addicted to one thing or another my whole damn life. I don’t know what an addiction free life looks like and that kind of scares me.
What a huge accomplishment! 18 days! Give yourself a huge pat on the back!!! You have to do it for yourself first. Everyone else second! You first then you can take care of others. My friend made me a t-shirt that read “ITS ALL ABOUT ME!” That is not selfish, its called survival. Recovery has to be about you and only you! Once we take care of our sick selves then we can do so much more for others. Good Luck and God Bless!
That’s a pretty high-stress situation, especially with your husband being a cop! And 6 years is a pretty lengthy time to be addicted to meth. I was on meth for 3 years, and I know how hard it has been to deal with my own past trauma and mental health issues, so i can strongly relate to your story. Thank you for sharing it.
It’s understandable, that you’d be feeling scared. I was scared too, that I wouldn’t really know myself anymore, that I would hate myself sober, or that I wouldn’t be able to stay sober and that I would hate myself for failing. That I’d be wasting my time. But I can tell you now, I don’t think you’ll regret getting sober. It’s okay to be scared, but do you want to let that fear control you, to keep you from discovering how happy and FREE you can be without that shit?
You seem like an intelligent and brave person. I’m glad you’re here
Thank you for your kind words. I think the scariest part of all is having to believe in myself and believe that not only do I deserve a good, full and addiction free life, but I can absolutely achieve it.
Thank you. I am definitely scared that I won’t know myself. Which is strange because I have always struggled to know who I am And meth certainly never helped to provide any clarity on that particular struggle, haha. Meth did help perpetuate feelings of worthlessness and shame, which I am so, so accustomed to feeling from my childhood, that I guess without the meth addiction (and gambling addiction which I have also abstained from for 20 days now) I might actually have to acknowledge my worth and the fact that I am an amazing person…and that scares me.
18 days is awesome! And 20 days gamble free is no mean fete either! You are going to love sober/clean you!! I promise! Be gentle to yourself lady. It’s a hard road but we’ll walk it together. Welcome to the Family
It does make sense, but it’s hard to put into words, I know. Like, how can I be an amazing person when I’ve done my best to convince myself that I’m not? But it’s good that on some level you know that you are a good person that wants more from life than being addicted. And you’re acting on that, which is friggin awesome
And meth certainly never helped to provide any clarity on that particular struggle, haha. Meth did help perpetuate feelings of worthlessness and shame, which I am so, so accustomed to feeling from my childhood, that I guess without the meth addiction (and gambling addiction which I have also abstained from for 20 days now) I might actually have to acknowledge my worth and the fact that I am an amazing person…and that scares me.
