I hit my neighbor with my car!

Today I am 20 days sober after 15 years of daily substance abuse! 20 days ago I realized my disease had taken me so low as to sitting with a homeless man asking people for spare change to support my alcoholism.
I got drunk at 14 years old and began my 15 year journey of trying to chase that buzz. Partying up to the age of 26 when I realized I needed to change my life for the better and drink lightly. At 26 I started my own art business, became a highly sought after hairstylist, paid off my brand new car, rented a home in a better part of town, written and illustrated a book and became a published author. I rode this wave for a year, I was so successful in my paintings, I was given a ticket to Tokyo, Japan for a week on a sponsorship. I was bleeding success at the age of 26 and at 27 alcohol had crept back into my life slowly.
I quit painting because it was interrupting my drinking, thus causing me to lose my art business, I quit writing books because alcohol was more important. I became late for work often or just didn’t want to be there and my clients felt that and left. I began to require a bottle of whiskey every night and some leftover to ease the shakes… just to feel normal. I started going on benders, and in one bender I was so intoxicated at 3pm on a Sunday that I hit my neighbor with my car and fled the scene to avoid a DUI. That’s how strong this disease had taken me that I lacked human sympathy to of even made sure he was okay. I went to his house the next day to apologize and he said, “I will not ruin your life over this, go get help”, by the grace of God my neighbor forgave me!
The very next day I was at the store buying a case of beer. Drinking alone was preferable because I wasn’t judged. The next month my boyfriend of 7 years took the dog and left. Here I was from being at the utmost success last year to sitting in an empty house crying over a bottle, with my brand new car totaled in the driveway.
This disease didn’t give a damn, I got tired of being alone and went out to the bars nightly! What got me was waking up next to homeless people in abandoned houses, waking up next to guys who I didn’t even remember, waking up behind bushes downtown because I couldn’t even walk to my car, waking up shaking.
The doctor telling me my toenails were falling off because i was in the early stages of kidney failure at the age of 28. Thus causing me to chug a bottle of brandy because I thought, “well I’m gonna die anyways”.
I had no bottom because I didn’t have a problem. Booze was my medicine and I couldn’t fathom living without it.
My bottom wasn’t hanging out with bums drinking whatever they had, my bottom wasn’t flying a sign for booze money because my fulltime job wasn’t supporting my habits. It wasn’t waking up in 40 degree weather in a dress soaking wet from the sprinklers hitting me while passed out.
My bottom was getting wasted by 11am and barreling into my grandmother at my grandpa’s funeral. The woman just buried her husband and I felt THIS small.
Hell is repetition and this disease completely exhausted me of any hope I had left, I didn’t want to die but I sure as hell didn’t want to live.
I knew I had to get sober and I knew I couldn’t do it myself so I googled free substance abuse clinics in my town and only found free AA meetings. I walked in feeling so defeated but left feeling some hopefulness.
I found a great aa group who has meetings every day all day.
So at 20 days sober, this is the hardest period of my entire life. Now all those years of suppressing tragedy and reality with alcohol are surfacing and I’m dealing with them head on and it sucks. But I’m sure as hell not going back because I’ve seen where it took me and I know how it will end.
My entire life is changing, because alcohol had made it for me, I was always a passenger and now I’m the driver. I’m having to tear everything down and start back up from a new foundation and it’s awesome and terrifying.
For me now, there is no such thing as 'just a drink’s and I have to tell myself hourly… is this good for me or good for my disease?
Just by not having a glass in my hand I’m already successful and if I should fail then there’s always tomorrow.

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Wait, you like knocked your grandmother over?

Congratulations for the 20 days!
It is hard to quit, but it will be even harder when we’re not. So, keep going, you already made extraordinary progress, and have faith in yourself. If even you don’t trust yourself, then who will?

Best of luck!

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Thank you for such a heartfelt share.
Welcome to the forum

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Welcome to the forums! Congratz on 20 days! :muscle: You already did great by making decision about stopping drinking. Check in daily, read a lot, give adivceses and get adivceses. You found most supportive community you could ever imagine!
Stay strong :muscle::blush:

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Hi @Whitney_Worley, welcome! :slightly_smiling_face:
Congratulations on 20 days, well done!
Those are such well written words. I love how you tell us about all the shit that you’ve been going through but at the same time reflecting on yourself and bringing up hope and beauty of live.
You should be really proud of yourself for dragging yourself out of that hole alcohol pushed you in.
You go, girl! :butterfly::raised_hands:t3:

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Welcome! Sounds like you are headed in the right direction! I see similarities in my story so you are not alone. I lost a great deal as well. 2 years sober and things are better than ever. You’ve got this! Keep it up.

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Congrats on 20 days. That is a huge accomplishment. Sounds like you found some good meetings. AA help me find a spiritual path that has kept me sober and continuously getting better since 6/17/2017. I am so happy and proud of you.

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I drunkenly stumbled into her in attempts to give her a hug.

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Congratulations on your 20 days and for sharing.

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Welcome and congrats on 20 days. Thank you for sharing your story. You’re in the right place now and this is the start of your new life. I look forward to following your journey. :hugs:

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Omg Whitney. What a story. I too stopped making art, I used to be really good at illustration, graphic design and photo editing. All of my hobbies got in the way of drinking too. I cannot tell you how many computers, cameras and other electronics I bought because I used to have the money and thought things would make me happier, to just then sell them for money for my addiction. I am on my 19th day sober and almost relapsed twice but when I felt that urge I came here and sweet people helped me. I’m scared to go to AA meetings because of the stupid virus so, I’m inside on my week vacation drinking tea and just relaxing with movies and gaming a bit. Whatever I have to do to stay away from bars and liquor stores. We can do this.

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Awww, grandma! :frowning:

Im glad to hear someone in a similar situation. I thought the other day it would be a good idea to have live video aa meetings but I suppose that conflicts with the anonymous aspect of it…I also found really good podcast whenever my anxiety runs high

Podcasts definitely help, look for sober Ted talks on YouTube too!!!

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Love this!

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SMART has live video meetings! They just use the ZOOM app. I love them!

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If you’re up, there is one that starts in about 20 minutes! Just register on the SMART website, then click on the meeting link in this post:
https://www.smartrecovery.org/community/calendar.php?do=getinfo&e=239&day=2020-3-12&c=6

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Whitney - welcome to the forum.

Congratulations on your 20 days of sobriety. I’m confident that by kicking this diseases ass, you’ll be able to get your creativity back. I noticed after a few months of avoiding alcohol that I had more of an urge to paint/draw/write/song write etc.

Keep up the good work and we’ll done for opening up to the forum.

Alan

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