But this post has nothing to do with my sobriety, I just need to vent and I need a third party perspective.
I met my husband years ago at work. I vowed that I would never mess with anyone I worked with or anyone who had kids but for some reason that rule got broke.
I already owned my house and was pretty self.suffiecient before. Him.
We get together and at first his kids love me but when I want them to contribute to the household (they’re 20) they turn on me. Call my job and get me fired.
Fast forward a few years and he is just comfortable doing what he’s doing. He’s a 1099 employee who is racking up the tax debt…I think this year he is up to owing the feds about 20k. His buddy hasn’t paid him in a month so i am left to cover everything. We don’t have sex. We don’t do anything unless I facilitate it. I know where this is going but for some reason I can’t just call it and go file papers. And I don’t understand why I keep holding on to this failing marriage . I’ve been unhappy for so long. Our arguments are the same. The outcomes are the same…He’s 42 and will not do anything that I haven’t attempted first.
I’ve been working 2 jobs for the last 5 months, I’m tired. And it seems I work more so he can work less. It’s obvious to be that the things I find important he doesn’t so why can’t I just let this shit go?
Yup, let it go. It’s over. You picked the wrong dude. Do not break your rules next time. Listen to your gut. Are you younger than him? I wouldn’t be willing to take care of a grown man and his kids. You deserve better. Sobriety first.
Yes I am younger than him. His kids are grown and don’t live in our home. He just won’t do shit to better his circumstances and I want more than this life has to offer.
Basically he’s holding you down. That’s an awful feeling. Have you told him this? Maybe give him one more shot and tell him you’re dead serious. Give him 6 months. If nothing has changed by Summer then file. When someone shows you who they are, believe them!
Pete and repeat were on a boat…Pete fell out who’s left?
Same conversation over and over…he exerts some effort then gets comfortable and back to this other shit.
I feel bad and he has a senior dog so I won’t just kick him out. Ima move all my shit into my spare room this weekend. I’m really never home anyways…And yes summer is a good time, that gives him 5 months to get his shit straight. Can’t day I haven’t warned him…I have several times.
This is called being “unequally yoked”. Think of a team of draft horses. Each one alone can pull a considerable amount of weight. When two horses of equal strength are yoked or harnessed together, the amount they can pull isn’t double what they could pull individually, it’s actually 4 times more.
But when one horse refuses to pull, the other is forced to try to pull not only the load, but the weight of the other horse as well. The amount the active horse can pull isn’t half what it could pull alone. It’s actually nothing.
It’s one thing when our mate, the horse we are yoked to can’t pull, due to illness or disability. It’s quite another when they won’t pull.
Start decoupling now. See a lawyer about moving your assets into your name. Decouple from his looming liabilities. Let him see you are cutting the harness. You are going to pull your load, and leave him to pull his.
Thank you for that…it makes total sense. Everything is in my name, all the credit cards, the house, etc. So that won’t be an issue. Life lesson just ran me about 30k (his credit card debt)…won’t be doing this shit ever again.
I own my own business and put money aside for taxes and if it’s not enough it’s my job to come up with the money. Sounds like this guy had not set goals for himself and what he wants out if life.
I think this is about you, not him. How much are you willing to put up with? What’s your baseline; how low will you go to hold onto something that was a bad idea to begin with and has fulfilled that prophecy completely. I don’t mean to sound hard but why haven’t you moved on yet? You clearly know better. I say, its your house, get the freeloader out of it. You can keep the dog but don’t use the dog as an excuse. Do you just want sympathy by posting or do you want to move on. Are you afraid of being alone? He’s not changing. Will you?
I don’t know why I haven’t moved on yet. I know I should have a long long time ago but for the life of me, I can’t figure out why I can’t let this go. I have my dog, he has 2 one is a senior she is 17. He has no money and no where to go and I can’t just put them out on the streets. I know it’s not my issue but that’s been done to me and I know the feeling. As of this moment forward, I can just focus on me and figure out how to get out of this mess. I’m moving rooms this weekend so that he knows it’s over. I’m extending him courtesy to stay for a few months and figure out his shit.
He’s willing to sacrifice tomorrow, for comfort today. I would suggest you present him with a time in days. “You have 90 days to make other life-arrangements”. I would follow this up with a legal separation agreement, which will protect you from things like identity theft and fraud.
And yes, you can put him on the street, you are just choosing not to. You have the means, but lack the will. Let him know that the 90 days, or 60 days, or whatever you choose, IS you being kind, but your kindness has finite limits.
I hear your suffering and I’m sorry you are unhappy. You are the architect of your own fate. You are making a choice and allowing the situation to continue. I think it’s pretty straight forward how you can get out of the situation but it doesn’t sound like you want to. I don’t see how you moving in to the spare room is going to benefit you. It’s like you’re almost moving out of your own home and giving him more space and more control. (What happens, by the way, if he meets another woman since you are saying that the romance is over? And what are the property laws in your state like? I hate to think he could get rights to your house). I just see this as a long, drawn-out painful road you are choosing. He has no motivation to change. But I wish you well and hope that things work out as you want them to.
You are addicted to the relationship. Our additive personalities don’t stop at just our drug of choice. Your comfortable in the relationship, even though it is not good for you.
Hopefully you two fill taxes separate.
I’m sorry…being in an unhappy marriage is not easy. My first marriage failed. We were married 5 and a half years and in hindsight I should have left after 1. I was depressed and miserable with him yet somehow I thought staying was the right thing to do. Be true to yourself. Figure out what you want in a partner and don’t settle.
Aw man that is exactly right. Ugh I almost wish i didn’t open this post. Wish a had an answer for the original poster but I’m worrying through this also.
I should add the possibility of a depression on his end. Mabe try getting him into therapy. I know it’s not the depression we’re use to but men show it differently . Hey tend to be much better at hiding it and often don’t realize it’s something hey are dealing with.
Have you tried couples therapy ? Maybe there’s something going on with him and he just isn’t sharing it… ? Or maybe the therapist could help you guys through this and help him see why this isn’t healthy… It sounds like you’re pretty divided but if you both agree to work on it Then maybe you could save your marriage together…
. Such a shame he doesn’t seem to appreciate all you’ve done for him. I agree with the Summer idea.