So, today I am on Day 5, for maybe the 5(0)th time. I fell off last time the day after Scott (ThirdMonkey) left the forum. It was that guy who tried to talk me off the ledge, so to speak, when I had a PTSD episode outside an AA meeting. I used him leaving the forum as a reason to leave the forum. Read: Excuse to drink.
So, I have tried online AA, SMART, Refuge Recovery meetings, In-person SMART Meetings, but never made it inside an AA meeting. That story is floating around this forum somewhere.
SMART has a basis I like, but I didn’t feel like there was any learning or hashing out. It seemed to me that 99.9% of the attendees ( I was the .1%) were there to get a probation card signed. And hey, that’s great. Whatever reason they are there, I am glad they are there. However, it was serving me in absolutely no way at all.
Sometime between my last hoorah and now, they added two new Refuge Recovery meetings per week in my area. I got online today and saw one was at noon. So, I told the kids, I am going to hit this meeting. I am supposed to go to this meeting. And, off I went.
I walked in and nearly got a little teary. I removed my shoes, walked over to the circle of cushions, and criss-cross-applesauce, onto the floor I went. Without sounding too ethereal, I was “home” - 100%. Every tension and feeling of inadequacy and past mistakes, and static left my head and I was PRESENT. I have never really meditated but I have always wanted to. The meeting begins with a meditation and it opened my heart - to me, if that makes any sense. For the first time, in forever, I felt really good and really happy.
Now, I have always been kind of a hippy/bohemian spirit, a wanderer, a seeker. This is my path and I am ecstatic.