Dear friends I’m nearly 6 weeks clean which still feels incredible to me. Partly thanks to the people here, your comments and your stories. My partner is still using and it’s in the house. That’s not been easy for me. He tells me he wants to stop too. That he’s cutting down and wants to stop. He won’t register for a treatment program, and even if he did I’m not sure he’d stick to it. If I give him an ultimatum ( what future do we really have together?) I don’t know whether it will help or make things worse. Have any of you been in this situation and I wonder what advice you might have? Incredibly grateful to everyone on this forum.
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I have never been there…I do think it is important to note that sometimes major life changes (such as going sober/clean) end up changing other things about our lives. You have determined that being clean is important to you, and that is an amazing and important journey. Sometimes we have to chanhe other things in our lives to fit the new direction we are traveling in if they do not fit. It is a difficult situation to be in, and I wish you the best of luck with everything!
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Imho I find ultimatums never end well.stick with it keep communication open and honest but unfortunately something will have to give or shall I say someone.yoyr doing amazing please don’t allow this to bring you down further than it has already.hopefully he will finally get it if not it’s a conversation your both Gona have to have.all the best
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I’ve been in your position for over 9 months now. Ultimatums haven’t worked. I work on my own recovery while he works on his. It’s really fucking frustrating but we have to remember addiction is a disease. I always ask myself, “would I leave him if he had cancer?” Hell no!! I also have to think about how his using impacts me. I’ve heard we shouldn’t make any major life changes the 1st year so I’m going to stick this out. During this past 9 months, I’ve watched him do well and then relapse a few times. When he’s sober, the thought of leaving never cross my mind. I wish you the best and hope you find some peace in whatever decision you make.
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Wow, 9 months is a long time to be in this situation…! You are doing amazingly!I i suppose I feel I’m a bit of a hurry now, I’ve lived with this for years and just want to leave it behind now. I’m hoping to get away for a few days and clear my head. I have the sense an ultimatum will make things worse. Thanks for responding x
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Hey Ziggy.
I have never been in your situation. But I can imagine that it must be hard. Well done for your great job in staying clean!
My opinion is that ultimatum is not good idea. Because all what ultimatum is (in every situation) is putting somebody under pressure in order to get the person to do what we expect. If he would give up based on the ultimatum then it’s not really his choice and it is probably not going to last long. To stop addiction is not easy, as you know. So you need him to really want to stop, not to feel like he has to.
All you can do is to be understanding, helpful, supportive and great example. But don’t also forget to put yourself first and maybe there can be time when you will feel like leaving him. Unfortunately some relationship ends up here. It is reality, and it is not your duty to stay with somebody who doesn’t want to move on and keeps you away from growing and getting better. Remember that you’re not responsible for him and his behaviour. But you’re responsible for yourself.
Do whatever you feel from the depth of your heart like the right thing 
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My wife still drinks. It’s in the house most weekends. Actually I think there’s some in the fridge now.
The reason it doesn’t bother me is I’ve made my peace with it and now I don’t drink.
It’s not my problem she drinks.
It’s my problem I’m an alcoholic.
Well done on the six weeks, that’s good.
Just concentrate on yourself and maybe he will see the changes in you.
Who knows.
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I say Yes to an ultimatum. But with the requirement that YOU stick to it. Meaning that if he doesn’t stick to what he said then you gotta be the one to keep things ended.
My wife never really have me an ultimatum. we were way past that. I had lied one too many times for any of that. She was done. And so she just left. With no intention of coming back
. But then I did something she never expected. I cleaned up. I was alone and I finally realized that I had to stop drinking. I had to for myself. And I never would have got to that point of She hasn’t left.
So yes. Give him an ultimatum. But leave if he doesn’t stick with it. Cuz yeah, there is no future for you two of things don’t change
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I was in that situation once too and ended up relapsing twice it was horrible finally after the second relapse I realized I had to leave I couldn’t stay anymore of I wanted to live without the drugs. Stay strong in your sobriety
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