I’m 42 year old woman and I’m a grey area drinker. I don’t know if I’m half way through some breakdown but life looks bleak.
I have two beautiful kids and a loving husband I should be happy but each time I drink I turn into a paranoid, snarky and unhappy person.
I want so desperately to wake and feel comfortable in my skin and in my world but there is a feeling that I never will as I have.
I’m in a constant panic about whether “friends” like me, I don’t like how I bitch, moan and judge others. I want to be a better person.
There is so much to work on I don’t know where to start.
I literally would not have a friend in the world if I didn’t organise the catch ups, very rarely am I invited over.
Stopping drinking would be the start. I did Feb Fast recently. I did feel a sense of achievement but literally shut myself away, which is not sustainable. I also struggled with my own company. I just don’t know how to navigate this world without this in my life. This is my Day One, I’ve been here quite a few times. I want to be a better person. Anyone getting through this without mates? Anyone feel so lonely like I do? Does it get better? I need some hope. Thank you
Welcome to the forum Esme! Welcome to you participating in it . Very glad to have you aboard. Because alone this is undoable. As life in general is undoable alone.
What I read in your story is that you see very sharply what is happening and what is wrong. You know where to start and you just did it. You know you can’t do it alone and here you are. for me this place has been life changing. I tried to do it alone before and that never worked. Coming here, sharing my own stories, reading about other’s, supporting, getting support, learning about addictions, it all have been life changers for me.
I don’t think anybody has made it through without mates. I strongly believe this place is a great starting point in finding new, sober ones. You don’t have to find them here necessarily -although I did- but it’s a great starting point for a healthier happier outlook on life. That in itself can be a game changer. So welcome again, hope to see you around lots, and welcome to your sober journey Esme. Hugs.
Welcome Esme ! Yes. This is an awesome support group. And @BroccoliHighKicks is absolutely right. We can not go it alone. For me my AA Home Group and this forum have been great. We have to be in touch with others that think and feel the same way we do. I have learned through AA that our drinking/drug use is just a symptom of all of the other deeper things inside of us. It sounds like you are already indentifying those things so that is great. And I think @Farmer is correct. Even if you don’t consider yourself alcoholic reading Alcoholics Anonymous would be a great start to get some insight. The 12 Step Program created by the orginal founders is used now for a variety of life issues. Keep sharing and reading here. You will find many of us post regular here. You have already met a few in the post that you will see contribute on a regular basis. Wishing you the best and sending lots of Hope your way !!!
The big book is great. Funny how a book written in 1939 speaks truth today!!
Hello Ezmay, nice to meet you. I related a lot to most of what you said, over all just this feeling of insecurity, loneliness and not being good enough I’ve felt like that my whole life and I still don’t understand why, I always think that people don’t like me and I feel like an outsider even when I appear fine from the outside.
I read recently that it has a lot to do with childhood trauma, if you have certain childhood tramas you can perceive neutral faces as a threat, I realised that I do that, like if someone isn’t giving the outward signal of smiling at me then my brain starts to panic and perceive them as a threat, I start thinking I’ve done something wrong or that they don’t like me. That might not be the case in your situation, I just thought it was interesting and worth mentioning.
I also want to add in that alcohol is not your friend in any of this, it will masquerade as a comfort or an escape or something you can turn to, but ultimately it will lead to magnifying these negative feelings you have and only isolate you further.
This isn’t to say that recovery and quitting alcohol isn’t lonely either, in my experience it can be lonely, it is a healing process and you could feel very vulnerable and exposed and lost as you deal with all of the suppressed emotions that bubble to the surface, that can feel very lonely as not a lot of people are not going to be able to relate to that, thats why meetings and communities like this are so great.
I am almost 5 months sober now and I feel much better than I did on day 1, I still have lots of issues don’t get me wrong, but I tend not to fall into them and let them own me like I did when I was drinking, I feel a lot stronger and I think quitting alcohol would really help you find your independence from it and give you back that confidence in yourself that you are a good person, regardless of anyone else’s opinion, and that you can rely on yourself. Its self love in the end and it isn’t easy but it is worth it.
Welcome to the forum!
It absolutely can get better. And it is so normal to feel sad and lonely and lost. That’s what brought me here 
Learning to accept myself as I am has been a long and sometimes painful journey for me. Lots of mental health stuff came up after I’d stopped drinking long enough to really feel my feelings. But things do change and for me being free from binges and the chaos that alcohol brought to my life has helped with that.
This forum has been a huge part of my process. Just reading around and seeing so many people going through similar things, even if their lives looked quite different to mine on the surface, made me feel less alone. I’ve done yoga, meditation, walking and things like that to help connect me with myself. I have found an antidepressant that works for me, done CBT and am starting to address some vitamin deficiencies that have been impacting my health.
I went to Recovery Dharma (Buddhist inspired recovery programme) meetings for a bit after a couple of years sober but the structure etc wasn’t for me. When I first stopped drinking this forum was my sober network. Loads of useful info and resources. Find what works for you… Take what you need and leave the rest!
Some useful links here >>
Hi ezmay im 48 ,maybe its a age thing ,not sure ,i drank for 5 yrs made my life hell in the end ,i thought it made me more sociable, really it didn’t in the end up it made me more misrable, aswell as being sober 1m and 8 days im also going through the change since oct ,my thinking has definitely changed, who needs friends that you have to run around after organizing things ,there not friends, i know many people but have few friends and i like it that way ,i dont have a partner anymore he turned out to be someone i thought but didnt really know ,kinda what im trying to say is you have a husband (loving i hope ,family) id concentrate on that sometime you dont realise what you have in your life is all the friends you need ,i find people to be materialistic nowadays ,when i want someone to talk to i go to family or my few but real friends, ive stopped caring what others think of me ,who are they to judge ,gossip i cant be doing with people like that in my life so keep it simple ,friends i trust my dogs and its not easy but remain positive, things do get better im early days but im feeling better of the alcohol my other prob is the menopause but im taking my vits trying to avoid hrt ,id stop worrying about other people there not worth it
You are definitely not alone! Welcome we are glad you are here!
I was in my mid-40’s when I stopped drinking. I didn’t use a program and I didn’t have any sober friends. Part of the reason I decided to stop drinking when I did was because I was at a new office where I didn’t have any close friends. I heard my colleagues laughing and having fun at lunch and I felt lonely and left out. I knew that my primary way of making friends in a new office was through drinking but for the first time, I realized I didn’t want to do that anymore. I used the fact that I didn’t have friends yet as an opportunity to stop drinking.
For me it was easier to quit that way. The pressure to be social with friends via drinking kept me from getting sober earlier in my life. Early sobriety was lonely for me as a result but I made it partially by reading books about sobriety (Blackout: Remembering the things I drank to forget by Sarah Hepola, A girl walks out of a bar by Lisa Smith, The Recovering: Intoxication and it’s aftermath by Leslie Jamison, etc.). I also developed a new practice of going on long walks around my city that I found to be a really helpful way for me to process my thoughts change perspective. I didn’t find this site until I had already been sober several years which helped once I did find it.
Sobriety gave me an opportunity to clean out some of the mental trash I had been carrying for years. I try very hard to appreciate what I have now. If you have friends who get together when you set up a meet-up, then you have friends. Period. People don’t have to come and if they do, take it for what it is. They come. You can develop some of those relationships. You have a family: appreciate the support you get from them. Many people don’t have that. You will have plenty of time to examine what you don’t like in yourself and your interactions with others and try to work on the parts you don’t like. Early sobriety was a crash course in down-time for me but it was time that I got to spend really looking at where I was. Over time, I found new passions and interests that make me happy. I was able to strengthen many relationships that had devolved into drunk party friends and restore them into more meaningful friendships through one on one dinners, coffees, walks: through sober time spent with them and attention.
Drinking kept me from looking too closely at my life and when I stopped, I was able to see a lot of the messes I had made. That was uncomfortable but it was also an opportunity.
Congrats on day 1!
Welcome!! I hear you 100% …I wanted to like and respect myself again and drinking was definitely not allowing me to like or respect myself. 100% not drinking has helped me there…I actually love myself and have pride in myself…I lost that a very long time ago and sobriety brought it back to me (as they say, sobriety brought me all the gifts alcohol promised but didn’t deliver on, who knew?).
I didn’t quit with a program and I used this community as my support. I also read a TON of recovery/quit lit (as it is called). Love all the books other have mentioned!! I also highly recommend 3 books that really spoke to me…
Quit Like A Woman by Holly Whitaker
This Naked Mind by Annie Grace
We Are The Luckiest by Laura McKowen
All 3 really added so much to sober muscles and journey…as did reading and interacting on this app (and in other sober communities such as Women for Sobriety / WFS).
I also found a lot of strength in taking care of myself physically by walking and being in nature (also yin yoga and running, but we all need to find what feels good and healthy to us as an individual)…walking is a great start.
I think a lot of us needed to shut ourselves away for awhile, we needed to gain some sense of mastery and confidence in not drinking and baby our sobriety until we could venture out into the world again as a person who does not drink. It is not forever…just til it feels natural and normal and that can take time (it is okay!!).
Yes, it is normal not to know who you are without alcohol and the drinking life, especially for those of us who drank for decades. I mean, that was our persona/identity, so yes, who the heck are we without alcohol? I found that looking at that as an adventure, with curiosity and excitement…rather than dread…was very helpful for me. I 100% know who I am with booze (a sad, not so nice, person who feels icky inside)…discovering who I am without (a proud, confident, compassionate person) was a true gift. Not that it necessarily felt good discovering and working thru this process…but it felt a hell of a lot better than all those hangovers, anxiety and depressive thoughts I had when drinking.
Does it get better??? It sure does. It gets way, way better if we can stick with it, keep moving forward and examine why we were drinking and start healing those parts of ourselves.
You got lots of good responses here!! I hope you stick around and allow us to share in your journey. It truly can be life changing. 
I wish i had gotten sober years ago because of the loving relationships i ruined. There are still people in my life i care for and try to show up for but its hard being consistent because of the constant loneliness i feel.
If youre self aware now, you know youre on the edge of a cliff and have everything to lose.
Its not too late for you at all!! Your post touched me. Sober is a start but i am learning it is not the end. People are resilient even in systems that grind us down.
Hoping you go slow and stay sober and honest with yourself and develop healthy, fulfilling relationships.
I’m glad your here and I think it’s so important to share how you feel. You’ve already gotten so many helpful responses. There is so much support here and suggestions on other resources as well. You DO have the power to change. One day at a time. I’m really liking myself a lot more now that I don’t drink and it’s only been 19 days . I actually enjoy my own company and feel like I am so much kinder to other people because I’m not holding so much anger and resentment towards myself inside. I felt like I was getting into quite a depression and was so angry at myself that I kept going around a merry-go-round of stopping and starting drinking which could never last. Finding this forum and support from others who have gone through similar things and admitting that I am an alcoholic and can not drink at all has helped me stay strong even though it hasn’t been easy. I’ve been trying for 10 years and I can’t tell you how much alcohol played a role in my anxiety depression and negative feelings towards myself. Cutting alcohol out completely has changed my life in such a short time. I feel like I’m starting to know the person that I lost so long ago.
Thank you everyone, the support is amazing especially given you have never met me. That is true kindness. Im determined to keep checking in, I think it’s the only way. Some of you further down the track are my inspiration. I hope I can achieve this too. The sadness will lift I hope.
I think it will. Not immediately, at least not in my experience. We are giving up a part of ourselves and we do need to grieve that…even tho it might have been a really messy negative part…there is still that sadness in who am I now. That is normal and okay. And with time and care we can begin to learn who we are without our DOC. And hopefully we begin discovering new ways of being, new habits, new emotions that build us up and make us happy again. Glad you found us. It does get better. Don’t give up on yourself.
I certainly do feel lonely, and that I am continually being the one to make contact, and so worry if people are just my friend out of politeness. Especially with children, keeping up friendships is hard work, and many people don’t. I know in my friendship group, one person is the nucleus and organizer, and the rest tend to just follow.
One thing I did was list was what I wanted from life, and how alcohol actually did the opposite.
alcohol makes me withdraw vs I want a full life
I get tired and grumpy vs I want to be a good mother
I don’t prepare for work vs I want to do a good job etc
Welcome to the forum. One thing really jumped out at me, and that was how you said that you are constantly in a panic about whether “friends” like you. For many reasons, when I was younger, I used to worry about whether people liked me, and I was very good at putting who I was aside in different ways for each individual.
But that panic doesn’t just come from no where. Somewhere in your life, maybe a few different things put together, this fear was born. It is the same with how you bitch, moan, and judge others. Some of that might be born out of the alcohol, but your tendency to do these things came from somewhere or someone earlier in life. They could be protection mechanisms, or you may have observed another acting in this fashion and picked it up. Either way, it’s easier to get rid of these behaviors if you know where they’re coming from.
The same with the fear of whether your “friends” like you or not. If you are able to like yourself, accept the good and dedicate to changing the unsavory, then that’s all you can do. If your “friends” don’t actually like you… Then what? What does that mean? Is it the end of the world? Do you cease to have worth if you realize it’s all a lie? I am not asking these things for you to answer me, but hoping you will ask those things of yourself and give honest answers.
There will be many different relationship levels with people: aquaintances, casual friends, good friends, inner circle friends. This is generally a pyramid. Your aquaintances and even casual friends may not actually like you as much as you would like, but they’re people you can hang with, maybe they’re online connections, maybe you decide to go to some new meet up group in your area and you only see them there. That’s okay. You won’t be tight with everyone, and honestly probably shouldn’t be. But at the very top of that pyramid, try to find yourself there. Be good and kind to yourself, treat yourself like you are your best friend, and let yourself feel that love and care.
As you do this, the feeling that other people get from you will change; you will change. Part of this kindness, of course, is getting sober. Real friends don’t poison each other for a good time. Finding out where the poison you speak comes from inside of you.
It sounds like a lot, but often the journey into sobriety becomes a journey into the self because it must. It is something you can do. And friends? Well, they’ll come and go. Hopefully you’ll find some that will stay a long time, but nothing remains constant. Everything changes. Your choices today help create the change that comes tomorrow.
I’m glad to read that you plan to come back and keep checking in. Please check out some of the other threads that interest you. Take part. You will “meet” people here who can become part of your support system and can take a place somewhere on your friend pyramid. Let us help you to help yourself, and eventually you will likely help someone in the same way.
Best of luck; and, again, welcome to the forum.
Your reply really resonated with me - thank you for the insights.
100% childhood trauma here - I was raised to be a performing monkey I now struggle not to please others.
I’m already feeling the self reflection I’m practising however awful it’s making me feel must be putting me on the right path.
On a side note I made 5 days then lapsed with a glass of wine at dinner with my husband. I’m very disappointed but have traced it back to keeping the date night “perfect” - so pathetic I failed because I was keeping my husband happy despite him never saying he wanted to have a drink nor that he wanted me to have one or him being unsupportive.
I hope I can make this, my stumbling block is me, I find it hard to get out of my own way sometimes.
Hang in there. It may take afew tries to get on the right track. Don’t stop trying. You are not done until you make that decision. The difference this time around for me has been my involvement with AA. Being involved on a daily basis with other alcoholics seems to be the key. Maybe you could give it a try and see if it is something that would help. It has worked since the 1930s for millions of alcoholics world wide. My home group is my " Tribe" Lol. They understand me and love me unconditionally. Sending Hope your way.
Hugs Ezme and welcome to the forum. The people here are wonderful and as an old professional relapser i couldn’t have got to 76 days without them. Good days or bad, there is always someone here with great advice or a sympathetic ear.
It is hard at first to adjust to the new you. I remember on one very bad day where my hormones were raging someone here told me its OK to just sit and feel those emotions … they will pass. She was right, they did pass but we have been so used to reaching for a quick fix it takes time to learn.
I isolated alot at first and still do but I’ve given myself little projects along the way… my first was weightloss and exercise which I’m still doing I’ve lost 19lb so far but still have lots to lose.
I then started playing my kids video games which sounds silly but it kept me busy I loved animal crossing on the Nintendo switch. Its creative and passes time while distracting those other thoughts on an evening.
I also started taking the kids to new parks packing picnics just visiting places id never been.
More recently I’m trying to overhaul my garden painting fences and looking at plants.
None of these are particularly social activities but they have helped me through hugely.
My goal is to eventually make new friends who hopefully do not drink. That will be a big step as I’m shy at first but it’s on my long term goal list.
I’m 40 too… I think when designing a plan it’s better to put yourself at the centre of it. This journey is about you, you can’t help yourself if your trying to please everyone else too.
Real friends will still be there regardless of what you choose.
Hugs. Remember you have friends right here too!