I’m fairly new to sobriety and one thing I found that helped was asking for help, getting a sponsor, working the 12 steps and being active in my meetings, getting there early and staying late to talk. I constantly feel like I’m in this uncomfortable in my own skin feeling which I describe as someone constantly going in to fist bump me and I’m the one going in for a handshake. I too don’t have many friends and I found that as a big complaining point for me and self pity party, so currently I am working on changing that and trying to make new sober friends. You’ll find that if you start doing the 12 step work and trusting in a higher power which I was skeptical of to begin with, that it does get better. Pray in the morning and evening, believe it or not it helps having the man upstairs as a friend.Still have bad days but I am building a support system to make me feel like I have people around me who care and the friends will follow. Nice to meet you, hope this helps! 
I had a thought that could be true or not for you. Have you considered that part of the reason you “bitch, moan, and judge” others is because deep inside you have anger you haven’t been able to express? Anger over that childhood trauma, over being trained to perform for others rather than being given the freedom to just be yourself, over not being able to show and receive comfort when you were hurting or disappointed? And, as such, never really learned how to properly express that anger, or tell others what you need?
It’s just food for thought, but it was something that came to mind because those are strong emotions, and they will not be contained completely or forever. They come out at inappropriate times and in inappropriate ways that we sometimes don’t even realize are happinging.
I would like to recommend you read a book that I think would be very useful for you in your self-reflection.
The first half to third of the book is most useful, the rest is a bunch about medication that you can skip, in my opinion. But it’s that first half that I believe you will find thought provoking and maybe provide some practical ideas for you. This isn’t a sobriety book, but one that targets some of the things you’ve mentioned. As you work with these, you will work with your sobriety.
You can do this. I don’t know you, but I believe in you.
As an aside, try putting some juice in the wine glasses at dinner, or making a couple of mocktails. If you have champagne glasses, put a bit of juice, seltzer water, and a cocktail cherry. This may provide the asthetic of perfection your mind is searching in that situation without the guilt hangover. Tell your husband what you’re thinking of doing and ask him what kinds of flavors and tastes he likes. Match the preferences he has with ones you have and follow that road.
Just a thought.
You’ve got this.
Hi Ezmay,. I’m 42 (f) and 2 months sober. Definitely agree age seems to increase these feelings - reading your post was like reading my own diary. It’s great that you are trying again, this shows that you love yourself and want better. Some days are good, you start to notice little things that make you feel good, but of course this is a struggle, that’s why we’re all here to help each other. If ever you want to chat or need to get something off your chest/ out of your head, send me a message.
It’s the small steps that help you accept who you are and change the things you don’t like. Don’t give up! You may not notice each Small step, but they add up!
M