I’m lost, a cocaine relapse

I have been part of this community for a while now and I love being part of it.

Today, right here - right now, I am fucking lost. My DoC is cocaine. On the outside I am successful and functioning, on the inside I am a total wreck.

My wife went away this week, leaving me with the two teenage boys and I only went and relapsed after 9 months clean.

It was utterly pathetic, I knocked back two bottles of wine and just banged line after line of coke.

At 3 in the morning I came to my senses and chucked what I had left down the toilet and deleted the dealers number. But I haven’t slept, feel a complete failure and just want the ground to swallow me up.

I can’t even think of telling my wife that i chose the week she was away (and when I had parenting duties)to do this.

I hate myself and just need to be with people who understand. Everything else I will work on later.


I commend you for coming to your senses, amigo. For now, just drink a lot of water and get as much rest as you can. Keep yourself busy with your boys when you snap out of it. Get a grip on yourself bro and just keep moving forward. Learn from this mistake.
Don’t drink any more neither because that enables the blow, bro. I used to be a binge drinking cokehead myself and I can absolutely relate to you and where you’re coming from. You know you’re capable of stopping and you know the reason why. If you ever need to get something off your chest, come on here and vent. This is what this Forum is for. Accept what you did, learn from it and move on.


Thank you.

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Ouch, that sucks. I am glad you turned here and ditched all that crap. A hard lesson, but hopefully one you will move forward from. Concentrate on what you can do now today to move forward in a healthy healing way and maybe bookmark this thread to read again next time you are tempted. I wasted years on self loathing after binges on alcohol and coke…what a hamster wheel…there is no happiness at the end of a line…we know that. A fresh new day of sobriety awaits. You can get thru this.


How are you doing @AJR2019 ?

I’m ok thanks.

My temperature is all over the place and I keep having these waves of cravings that I am just riding out.

I took extra steps today, more than before, like getting rid of some little pots I had, where I used to stash stuff. I kept them through my 9 months of sobriety, but I have to kick things up a gear.

I just wish cocaine didn’t exist, I know that sounds stupid and that the real danger is within me and not within the ‘product’. It is an addiction, it is like a dangerous lover that you have to see just one more time, or that chilled Chardonnay that is made for hot days.

I hate cocaine, but I hate myself more for loving something I hate. What a fucked up way to be.


Remember this feeling. Forever. You never want to feel like this again and if you never use again you won’t. The idea you love cocaine will go. It’s addiction and it’s addiction’s lies that make you believe you love the stuff. it’s a lie. You will learn that by abstaining. One day at a time. Hang with us and hang in there. Sober and clean. Let’s do this.


I understand I had that relationship with cocaine as well. Glad you tossed the pots, good idea. Take it day by day. Today is the only day you need to focus on. :heart:


Thank you.

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Do you really “love” it?? It has made your feel like crap and a loser, that doesn’t seem like love, it seems like regret for an addictive substance.

The booze is definitely enabling the coke, I think if you give up the booze it can make things easier.

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Dont be too hard on yourself, whats done is done. 1 day at a time, eventually your have to tell your wife because your pride will chew you up.

Ive been there, ive had more replases than not. This time round im 9 months clean, with no obsession. Im greatful for that today. I hope your okay, we wouldnt learn if we dont make mistakes. Have a good weekend. Stay focused x


As bad as it feels right now. Recovery is a long process. Let this relapse be a lesson and help you keep your guard up. Take it one day at a time. Things always get better, the mind heals and the guilt and shame disappear. Good luck :+1:

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Hi Badger,

Your observations are very accurate.

I have no idea if I ‘love it’, but that is how it feels and I find it hard to describe it another way.

I disagree that booze is a sole enabler in this case, because I would take/desire coke without booze… in fact, I would desire it without/over and above… anything and that is what scares me.

Anyway… night #2


Great that you made it back here! Just need to see where u allowed yourself to slip, you could be falling further but you caught it before things progressed. Remember we’re accountable for our actions and responsible for our sobriety.

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You’ll feel better once that shits out of your body. I can relate to feeling like a failure after a relapse. We get past it and learn from our mistakes.


Thank you everyone for your advice.

The continual replaying in my mind has subsided now and that will help me enjoy other things with my family this weekend.


I just wanted to say thank you for the support I got on here a week ago. I felt in the gutter and despised myself and this forum was the only place I could turn to.

7 days on and whilst a bit emotionally fragile still, I am clean of cocaine and thinking very differently.

I know it sounds stupid, but I realised that the only purpose that cocaine serves, is to keep me taking more cocaine. Over and above that, it has no other purpose in my life.

For years I have seen it as an enabler to a good time, fun, escapism, but that is total bullshit. At no time has it resulted in any of those things, without piling on twice as much pain and suffering.

Thanks for your support. This place is an oasis in a world that can be a pretty harsh desert.


Well done on 1 week my friend. I know how hard the battle is. This forum is my main support tool for my sobriety. I tried to get free of alcohol for quite a few years on my own with no success. Together we are stronger. Keep going, if you do I will too. :+1::two_hearts: