I’m new here - how to deal with society pressures?

Hi All,
I’m new here and wanted to create a post for me to remember why i’m here further down the line and to discuss how you’ve handled telling people about sobriety without having to go in to detail/justification?

I live in the U.K. where drinking is just another pastime and binge drinking is not only encouraged, it’s almost glorified. The medal of ‘last man standing’ is seen as some sort of an achievement and forcing friends to down shots is seen as normal.
I’ve been drinking heavily since I was 15 years old. I’m the daughter of an alcoholic, abusive father who broke down our family and led a life thereafter of homelessness, fear, prison time and who eventually died young from liver failure. All of this was the result of alcoholism.

I decided at the age of 8 to cut this man out of my life, but unfortunately damage was already done. Having endured many horrendous moments with my father (including him lining up bottles of pills telling me he was going to kill himself when I was alone at his flat at just 6) both myself and my older sister have battled with alcohol abuse for a very long time. It does feel like it’s genetic.

I don’t need to drink daily, but when I do drink, I can’t stop myself. The only time I stop is when the bar shuts or I pass out. On many occasions I have put myself in danger in the search of more alcohol when the bar has closed.

More recently I am finding myself escalating further and further. Blackout nights are the norm, as is dealing with anxiety, shame, fear and laughing off all the stuff I’ve done drunk, whilst secretly dying inside. I’ve tried ‘I’ll stick to beer’, ‘I’ll have one’, ‘I’ll go home at 11’. None of it works, one drink and that all goes out the window. I know it’s the right time to start a sober life.

My sister is now drinking daily and is judged as an alcoholic. I don’t drink daily but I can recognise that we have the same issue and I do not want to escalate to that point.

I’m lucky that I haven’t ruined my life already with some of the things I’ve done drunk. But if I look back in my past, everything bad that has happened to me, or that I have done, has been done in drink.

My biggest fear for my sobriety is how I am going to cope socially. My employer culture is ‘work hard play hard’ - you’re rewarded with alcohol. In fact I’ve worked there 8 months and this has been the case 6 times already.
Secondly is my friends and my partner. No one recognises the problem. Even when I’m black out drunk I am told they thought I was fine as I function normally, so no one recognises the danger. I also do not express my emotions or anxieties with others, and I keep what I’ve done over the years to myself.

How have you coped with telling others that you no longer drink, when they’ve known you to do so, and don’t think you have a problem? I don’t want to go into too much detail with my employer about why I’m not taking them up on their ‘reward’ but I feel I need to be prepared to have an answer. I guess I’m nervous about buckling under peer pressure

Thank you for reading :blush:

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Just say “no, thanks”. That’s all :slight_smile:

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Thank you for sharing. I have been saying to people that I’ve stopped drinking as it has so helped with my anxiety. I’m in the UK too. It has surprised me that everyone has been completely understanding and accepting without any more questions! It is true. I’ve only done 30 days and it’s not a walk in the park but my anxiety is so so much less!

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Thank you so much for your response! I feel a lot better knowing that your anxiety is less and people have accepted it.

In the past I’ve tried to say ‘no thanks’ and people have been offended/‘just have one’/‘don’t be boring’ - you name it. It always feels like you not partaking in the activity is like a societal rejection.

I previously managed 84 days a few years ago with the reason being ‘I had a really bad hangover last time and I can’t face it’ and I couldn’t believe the amount of people pushing me to drink.

Really appreciate your comment, thank you. :slightly_smiling_face:

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Also - congrats on 30 days!!

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Difficult as you say as drinking is so accepted by society. When you stop there are whispers behind your back that you had a problem as if it is something to be ashamed of. The simple fact is that alcohol is not good for anyone, perhaps a glass or two of red wine is beneficially, but a glass of water would actually be better.
With giving up I have found heavy problem drinkers don’t say to much and may even compliment you. Others drinkers will adamantly state that life is boring without drinking, normally say they can quit but do not have a problem so won’t.
If you feeling shitty about drinking and know you should stop, remember after a couple of months of quitting you will feel physically better, you can then concentrate on the reasons you drank yourself stupid in the psdt

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Thank you @Rod id never thought of it quite that way (heavy drinkers responses vs those that are not). I’m looking forward to a time when this will be my normal and people will just know not to offer/ask/buy as gifts. What’s quite interesting for me is I’m not usually someone who cares about what others think, but with this I do feel judged. It’s those whispers you mentioned. Probably I need to accept that that might happen regardless and if it does, it does.
Thank you

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I’m glad you’re here, Emma! At the beginning it felt a bit awkward saying no but very quickly it was just how I rolled, lol It’s a non issue after a while.
:wave::wink:

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Thank you :blush: That’s great news Donna! I haven’t yet told my partner, not looking forward to that conversation if I’m honest but I feel a lot more empowered and confident after all of your supportive responses :heart:!

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The people who judge and whisper do so because they have a problem with alcohol and don’t want to accept it. Finding a sober community locally will increase astronomically you chances for success, and you will not believe how awesome sober people are. Believe it or not, the sober curious movement has helped a great deal in the UK and the US. You’d be surprised how many cool people out there there are in sober community.

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I had no idea about that movement until you mentioned it and I googled it! I’ve followed quite a few Instagram pages, podcasts and joined this app to help me commit to this, but I like your suggestion of finding a local sober community would help a great deal indeed. Im off to do some research!

By the way, couldn’t agree more. As I think more and more about the people that I know will have a lot to say and who will put pressure on me, they without doubts have issues of their own with both drink and drugs.

Thank you for your advice :blush:

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You are welcome and so glad you are here!

It has been my experience that the people who make a big deal about you not drinking are doing so because they secretly fear their drinking is getting out of control. People who don’t worry about their own drinking really don’t care if you do or don’t. They may ask you questions but move on shortly thereafter.

Stick to your guns. Confidently say “no, thanks. I’m not drinking.”

YOU CAN DO IT!!!

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Lol when I first quit I was worried everyone would think I was pregnant. If anyone asked I told them I wasn’t drinking because I felt better when I didn’t drink, and I’m pretty much always doing fitness challenges nowadays so I think people assume it’s because of that. Whenever I worry about what other people think I remind myself that, whatever it is, it won’t matter to the people who care about me, and the people who care about it don’t matter.

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I’m having a dry month.
I felt so much better during my dry month I decided to keep it up.
I’m too busy to drink.
I just don’t enjoy drinking anymore.
I can actually enjoy myself without it, thank you.

Are some suggestions. In the end, you have to be strong. Some people do want drinking partners, that is their problem, not your role to provide it for them.

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Maybe try a meeting lots of sober people there who wont question why u dont drink wish you well

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A great suggestion thank you! So many people I surround myself with are heavy drinkers and no one I know drinks, so having a sober friend would really help. I’m going to see what the power of the internet can come up with, thanks again!

Yes I can relate to this when I’ve said no before, and I find it enraging. Thank you for your advice!

:heart: love this!

I’ve found being direct and honest works well. I don’t care much about what people think after that. If they give me shit about it it’s on them not me.

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