I can’t believe I’m still dragging myself down this hell hole knowing what’s waiting for me at the end.
I can’t keep living this way.
I’ve given up on everything myself, my life, my health, my family, and most importantly my son.
I don’t know why I continue to dial that number. I’m barely making ends meet. My child is counting on me every single day and all I can do is lock the bathroom door and cry on the other side knowing I’m failing at the one thing I’ve always wanted to be. Failing at the one thing I’ve worked so fucking hard to be the one thing I thought I was destined for. I’m throwing away the true meaning of love I’m destroying the one person who’ll always be there for me the one person who’ll never not love me the one person who truly loves me no matter what the one person who looks at me with pure love and happiness and who looks to me for guidance and love and affection the person who’s supposed to keep them safe and happy and healthy I’ve given up my life so he could have a chance at a better future.
Why can’t I stop why can’t the people around me do what they say they will stop using me and ripping me off blindly taking advantage of me because I’m their daughter and they know I’ll always be there for them. What about when I need someone to be there for me.
“I’ve done this before I’ve been in much worse of a state and I pulled my…”
This is what you said in May. I believe that you can do it again. I’m glad that you’re here and I’m glad that you posted. There’s lots of support and help here for you.
Getting involved with the community and being accountable with the community is helpful for a lot of people.
Lots of mothers and fathers in the community in your same situation or a similar situation with a child or children, and feeling so bad about themselves.
There are big huge success stories here, it starts with one day at a time. There’s help for you here, there is support for you here.
I see where you talked about it would be difficult for you to get a sponsor where you are with N.A.
I don’t know if that is available online or not. Somebody here will know.
One day at a time, one day at a time. I’m sorry for what is going on with your parents. That doesn’t sound very nice. I’m glad you posted and I’m glad you’re here, you’re not alone.
Hi Krystal, im so sorry ur hurting right now. I can hear the sadness and desperation and hurt in ur words. Ur words rung very true to me actually. I felt this exact way with my son 930 days ago. I HATED myself for what i was doing. The guilt was unbearable… like really unbearable. But nothing changes if nothing changes my friend. Its tough in the beginning to quit but it does get easier over time. U just gotta get over that inital hump.
Ill mention what helped me and see if anything maybe stands out for u that could be helpful
When i first quit, I wrote down exactly how i was feeling and how addiction made me feel (ur post here would be a good reminder of how bad it has gotten). I never wanted to forget that feeling bcuz it motivates me to never want to feel that way again. I wrote down my reasons why i wanted to quit… my son being the #1 reason. Then i had to make a plan of action. What i was going to do every single day to pull me out of this. This included a daily morning routine of checking in with this forum (i checked in at least twice a day), an online meeting thru the Intherooms app, prayer, daily reflections reading, meditation, exercise, self care etc. This helped me to start my day off on the right foot. I needed to be recovery focused first thing in the morning. It truly helped. And then i HAD to make sure i came on here BEFORE i used to get the support i needed to stay clean.
Ur addiction wants to keep u feeling the way u are now bcuz it feeds on these destructive emotions. Make changes to ur daily routine and see the difference that it will make
Every day is a new day for change… to make a difference. U CAN get out of this destructive cycle. U and ur child deserve a healthy, happy, present mom. U DONT have to feel this way anymore. No matter what dont pick up. The cravings dont last forever, remember that
Thinking of u today and hoping to see u posting more
