Well guys and gals… I was super excited to have made it 7 days. I received news today that a beautiful young lady I had been with only 5 days ago committed suicide today. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t deal with the emotions and went straight for the bottle. I ended up stopping myself at a few drinks because I couldn’t help but think my reaction was self-serving and doing nothing to honor her memory but I still have to reset my clock. I’m sober right now but I feel all sorts of fucked up in the head so I don’t have much else to add. Idk, I’ll figure it out in the morning and strengthen my resolve. I didn’t do a good enough job strengthening my sobriety for something like this. I didn’t expect it - and it shows me that I have a long way to go. Such a beautiful and sweet caring young lady gone in an instant. Life is so fickle. I don’t have any shame in admitting that I will close my eyes filled with tears tonight. Thanks folks.
I know the world feels like a mess right now. And you are probably feeling like a mess as well.
Remember this – feelings won’t kill you. It may feel like it, particularly in early sobriety. It may feel like you are crumbling inside and the pain is unbearable – but it won’t kill you. I promise.
You know what kill you — a drink. I saw from another thread you have been at this for awhile trying to string together some time. Each time you put that bottle to your mouth, you are playing russian roulette and pulling the trigger. One day your luck is going to run out.
I didn’t think mine ever would. I was a good drunk. I had rules and limits – lines that didn’t get crossed. Until one day they did and I nearly paid with my life and could have significantly hurt someone else.
You don’t have to get to that point. When you wake up tomorrow – make a plan and do something about your sobriety. Rehab, multiple AA meetings a day, get the booze out of the house… ask for help and take the hand that is extended to you man. The war is over if you want it.
If we are not going to drink again, we must become convinced that we can tolerate any pain, or just discomfort, or even being inconvenienced.
Your story is very familiar - a period of sobriety then an upset then an instinctive reaching for the bottle to “deal with it”. Well, we learn the hard way that the only way through is through.
Everything is gonna be alright. You will be able to stop drinking. These truths were given to me in an instant after years of starts and stops and false commitments to sobriety. Everything is gonna be alright. I do not have to drink over anything, good, bad or indifferent.
It sucks that your friend suicided. And it will hurt and the grieving will hurt some too. And it will pass. You will not feel hurt for hours or days on end - you will be granted respites that will grow longer. Think sober, act sober, be sober.
Blessings on your house at this critical time. 
Thanks guys. I’m going to delete this account and try something else. This forum isn’t for everyone - residential rehab will probably be more my speed. I’ll come back once I’ve been able to string together some time.
Take care and good luck, Tom. Sorry about your friend. 
Don’t beat yourself up you really can’t do much to strengthen your sobriety at 7:days as your still at withdrawal and resetting your body stage,I’m so sorry to hear about your friend and you made the descion to stop after two sobthat progress,be kind to yourself today and walk forward knowing that posion will not help you in no way shape or form.have a blessed day🙏
Hey Tom, don’t go anywhere mate. This is exactly where you need to be right now.
It gives you somewhere to talk, to air your doubts and troubles.
As others have said you can’t really be blamed for reaching for the bottle, we would have all done that once upon a time. You mindset is still in the escape mode. Given time and work that mindset will change.
Hi Tom firstly sorry about your friend I’ve lost friends too and it’s especially hard to take when you are battling this yourself, I think by design we are a sensitive bunch too and it hurts all the more. I’ve been off and on for ten years now and finally went into residential rehab in June and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. I said to my sponsor I wish I’d done it years ago and he said “you weren’t ready” …I honestly feel despite there being no guarantee different now and 6 weeks on I haven’t looked back. It sounds like you are ready mate. Goof luck Mark
Sorry guys I was a bit of a mess last night. The clock is reset and I feel determined to kick my inner alcoholic (his name is Chadwick) to the curb. I’m excited to have made it a week. Now I know I can do it so I’ll strengthen my mindset like you all have suggested. Thanks for the support.