I relapsed for 2 years, and during that time I met and married my husband. I told him what I wanted my future to look like, substance free, and that when I got sober I wouldn’t be able to be around weed or alcohol, so if we were to continue dating or seeing each other, that would be something that would need to happen.
Fast forward to today, I have gotten sober and we are trying for a baby. I have realized he is an addict who cannot say no to the drink or the smoke if it is around, and he is ambivalent about slowing or stopping. These are new realizations after his failed attempts to control his drinking and substance use.
I think I may have married to wrong man because of this. We have only been married 10 months, and I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what you should do but I do know that you can’t make someone change and you can’t assume that they will just because you have kids. You could try communicating how you feel to him and see what he does.
The advice I can give is that having a child with him REALLY needs to not be in the cards until you figure the other things out. I cannot suggest this strongly enough. Good luck.
Thank you. I wish this was just a troll post but it’s my life. I didn’t realize he was an addict alcoholic when I married him. It wasn’t until some behaviors came to be later on. I know I made mistakes. Just trying to figure this out. I’m sure everyone else reading this just thinks I’m an idiot, so thanks for the response and not belittling me.
Thank you. The only reason we started trying is because I’m going to be 40 and this is my last chance with my egg reserves as little as they are according to my blood work. But I agree that with these things that have come to light in the past couple of weeks, it would be bad to bring a child into this situation. That means I may miss out on motherhood because we met later in life. But I suppose if those are the cards I’m dealt, I have to play them. My choices brought me here. Thank you.
You are not an idiot. A lot of people don’t realize they are addicts so if he acted differently in the start of the relationship there wasn’t a way for you to know that.
I second T- I would not consider having a child at the moment. That doesn’t mean it won’t be a conversation for the future but a child does not deserve to be brought into a life that has active addiction in it. My advice is to just table to conversation for now and support you SO in finding sobriety
I have long known I don’t want children. I don’t want to be pregnant or have an infant but I have thought of adoption because there are so many children that need a home. However, this conversation has not been had with my husband until just recently because we have both struggled with addiction. We are both clean and working sobriety now.
Welcome and thank you for sharing. It sounds like you are in a rough situation. Marriage is a lot of hard work. It is really important to communicate. It is a hard thing to do but you need to find out if the two of you want the same things. It sounds like you are making an effort in sobreity and the importance not to be around it. Soul search and take care of yourself. Keep us updated and remember to take it one day at a time!
You aren’t an idiot and anyone who tells you that you are shouldn’t be posting on a forum based on helping others.
Addiction is tough, possibly more so because it’s so hard to see until you step away from it. Marriage doesn’t have to be permanent if you don’t want it to be. A child however will be permanent. Please try to figure out how you want to handle the relationship with your husband before you bring another little human along. I think it will make your decisions easier.
Focus on staying sober and then make a choice about your relationship. It’s easier to be true to what you want in your life if you do it soberly. Stay with us and talk it out. We are a the more the merrier group. You will get some conflicting opinions sometimes but that’s because you are talking to a bunch of people with their own struggles. Take what resonates and leave the rest.
Welcome.
Oh well if it is 
