I miss her so much right now

I lost my girlfriend Jessica to an overdose back in 2016. We went on a bender in the summer, about a week in July. She died on the 17th. Its been years but the grief just comes back and hits me outta nowhere lately. I was with her. I did cpr for 27 minutes (until thr paramedics got there) and an hour later i got a call from the hospital saying she was gone. Dead on arrival. I couldn’t save her. It haunts me. I hate myself less than i used to, but I still blame myself. This is the first summer ive been sober for (quit hard drugs years ago but alcohol has been an ongoing issue, 4 months sober now) and i wasn’t expecting the feelings to come so soon. The nightmares are getting bad again, and im struggling a lot with trying to do life stuff. Ive changed jobs so ive got a week until i start the new job so i have minimal to do. Im trying to stay onntop of laundry, dishes, etc. Doing step work, going to meetings, calling people, all that good recovery stuff. Itll be 7 years on July 16th since i last did heroin, and the next day itll be 7 years since i lost her. I keep replaying in my mind trying to figure out what i couldve done differently but i know it was out of my hands. All i can do now is take care of myself. I hope shes proud of me.


I am so sorry for your loss. It is understandable that with your sobriety that your feelings and emotions would come back strong now. Plus grief is grief and losing someone we dearly loved thru such a traumatic experience is a lot for us to carry. I am glad you were able to share here and have your real life program and using all you have learned to help you thru your feelings. I know how complicated and conflicting feelings can be.

I am sure she is seriously proud of you. And I hope you are proud of yourself. It sounds like you have really fought hard to create a new life for yourself.

Sending many hugs across the miles. We are always here if you need to vent or whatever. :people_hugging:


I’m sure she’s proud of you. I am too for what it’s worth. Keep working your recovery and life one day at a time. It’s up to ourselves to make something of our lives and you are. I’m glad you’re here. We’re in this together. :people_hugging:


I’ve learned the hard way with grief, after trying unsuccessfully to drink it away, that the only way out is through. It’s hard, but sooo worth it. One of the quotes someone told me when I was feeling all the feelings I tried hard to run from is “Grief is love with no where to go.” That fit for me.

In a big way, facing your feelings and grief is an act of love for her - and for yourself, and for what you shared. A painful and deeply honest expression of love and loss. You won’t stay stuck in the hardest of it. Just face it one day, one moment, at a time, as it comes. Just like you are. Just like you’ve been doing with your sobriety. Reach out, just like you did.

I for one am very proud of you. I’m sure I’m not alone. And I can only imagine how hugely proud she is of you. Probably more than we can even comprehend. :orange_heart:

Big hugs your way. :people_hugging:


Amanda, do you do therapy? If not, I highly recommend it. It sounds like you may have PTSD because of what happened. It sounds like it was incredibly traumatic & I’m so sorry that it happened. I have PTSD. I take Prazosin for nightmares. Maybe that’s something you can talk to your PCP or psychiatrist about?


You will always miss her and you will always have the grief. One of these days it will be a little less.

This was an accident. You did everything right to try to save her. You did your best. I understand though that it would haunt you. It’s about the worst trauma that you could ever go through.

It’s a devastating loss. I’m super proud of you for what you have done since. You could’ve ended up being an accidental overdose yourself.

I’m glad that you are not drinking and that you are aware of your feelings and that you’re particularly vulnerable with this week off.
I admire you for posting about it and getting suggestions on how to deal with it.
And for having ideas of your own of how to keep busy to stay on top of it.

I’m sorry about the nightmares. There’s a meditation thread on the site, a lot of the meditations come from the free versions of Insight Timer.

I don’t know what the literature would say about it, but I’m saying that perhaps if you were to start listening to the meditations to get your mind on what the meditations are saying that that might calm your mind some before you go to sleep and therefore maybe not have nightmares or Reduce their intensity.
It would help put your mind somewhere else besides where it is. Replace the repetitive thoughts with other thoughts.

If you were to get further into it if you had a psychologist available you could talk to one that had EMDR training and that might help you some with the PTSD.

I understand nightmares I’ve had a lot of them in my life, waking up screaming.
I’ve also had the trauma.

Thinking about you and keep writing us how you’re doing. Yes she is very proud of you. She is very proud of you. Go forward with your life the best that you can. I know that you will always hold her dear.

Excuse any and all typos I dictate and sometimes it changes it after I hit send.

Editing to add things that you can do 'in the moment" of the stress, and anxiety and sadness. You could try in your mind putting yourself in another place… by a waterfall, a walk or just sitting in a beautiful forest or by the ocean, by someplace pleasant that relaxes you. Put yourself and your mind in that place, immerse yourself and your thoughts there.
You could also try breathing exercises. The simplest is to breath in for 4, hold for four, let out for four and rest for four. 4-4-4-4. There are many variations of this. For instance, breathe in for 6 seconds, hold for six, let out for 8, etc. It does not matter. You can do the breathing anywhere and only you will know that you are doing it. Doing it multiple times a day is helpful. If you do too many too quickly you could get lightheaded but that would go as soon as you stop.


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Im in therapy. I used to take Prazosin but i cant get a refill rn so no sleep meds for me (long story). Im just hanging in there rn.

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Glad to hear you’re in therapy. Sad to hear you’re unable to get a refill. I hope things get better for you.

I almost was. Well, i wanted to die at the time so it wasnt an accidental od but that is how i nearly died. My gf actually brought me back from that, it adds to my guilt around not saving her cause she saved me. Its hard. I dont enjoy feeling guilty just for being alive.


I’m very, very sorry for what happened to you. I believe your girlfriend is now protecting you from galaxy and she’s proud of you, that you’re keep going and as well sober. :heart:
It’s not your fault. Sometimes this horrible thing happens… Only Mr. Death knows why exactly in these moments…

Do you go to the therapy sessions or talk with close people about it? It’s important to talk about this, don’t stay alone in it. :slightly_frowning_face::heart:
Also you said you have bad nightmares - when my close friend as well died from overdose, I had them. It can be symptom of PTSD. I recommend to meditate (meditation lately a lot helps me) and if you have meds for calming down, use them.
I as well can recommend writing feelings to your personal diary. I do it and it helps me, I always image how someone is with me and is just listening to me.

You’re not alone in this. :heart: