I haven’t been on here in a few months…working 2 jobs and being a wife consumes my time.
I’ve been a weed head for 20+ years and have attempted to quit many many many times all of which have been unsuccessful until this year.
Something stepped in and helped me when I couldn’t help myself and allowed me to briefly walk away from smoking weed without any of the issues I had before ie not being able to eat, sleep, being irritable etc.
I had 39 days clean and smoked…went 10 more days and smoked…and have basically repeated this cycle all year long. I’m tired. Tired of failing. Tired of not being able to cope or deal with my emotions. Tired of going back to what I know because it is all I know. I hear my dad in my head telling me i haven’t lost enough yet…but I’ve lost my shit my whole life so that doesnt count for me…
Today i start back at day 1.
I only consider myself a failure if I stop trying. I’m not going to quit. I dont want this cloud over my head anymore
Emotional cravings are a killer and it’s hard to stop. Don’t call yourself a failure just because you keep restarting over and over. It took me multiple tries to find say no and get sober. If you truly want it you can do it but you got to be willing to put in the work for it! Keep going don’t give up!
That’s 49 more smoke free days thN last year and that 100% counts for something! Glad your back on the horse and not wasting time getting down on yourself. Here’s to 50 consecutive days, one at a time.
Uve got this girl! Up and onwards. U messed up. It’s done. U can’t change that now. But u can decide the future and u can do It! Be brave enough to be sober! It’s difficult but worth It!
Thank you everyone for your words. The hard part for me is coping thru life because smoking weed is the only coping mechanism that I know. I feel like I’m crazy dealing with normal life shit. I go back to smoking weed cause its comfortable. I will say physically I am no longer dependent but emotionally I am. I dont have many friends or people I can talk to that get it. I dont have time for meetings and feel like I’d be laughed at anyways for a weed addiction. I know I’m better off not smoking but that stupid voice in my head keeps telling me one time wont hurt. I dont get drug tested at either of my jobs, I live in a recreational state…I guess I’m just scared of the unknown.
I totally understand where u are coming from. I was sexually abused by 3 members of my family and i just dissasociated from it basically detaching myself from that reality. I smoked weed for 10 years because it was the only thing that allowed me to sleep. It reduced my anxiety. I Was smoking before work as well so i could have a normal day. I tried a couple times to quit and shit got real bad real fast. It was just too much to deal with. Which is why I kept relapsing. I got to a point where I was avoiding everyone and everything just to get high. I spent money i didn’t have. Missed out on things so i cud have my sessions because being sober was too terrifying. The flashbacks night terrors constant vomitting from aniety. BUT something clicked in my brain and i realised that I had no control anymore and that the weed was controlling me. I was relying on it because i didnt feel capable of dealing with real life. The sucky part of it is…u are going to be a wreck for the first little while. Its going to suck. Its going to hurt. Ur gna be agitated and stressed out and have to deal with ur emotions. It is not easy. But i can honestly say it is worth it. Ur brain cant learn to rely on other coping skills if u always give it the easy way out. I’m 86 days sober today after smoking TONS of weed everyday for like 10+ years. And when i say everyday I mean literally. The longest i was without weed was 2 days EVER. But on the other side of almost 3 months I can sleep through the night, use strategies to overcome my anxiety and deal with my flashbacks without using or self harm. I’m still learning everyday but the point is i had to give myself a fair chance to tackle life. To be fully sober and be brave enough to try. Even if u fail 100 times and trust me I have. Anyone here could back me up on that. It is possible. And u can do it. U just need to be brave enough to feel those yucky feelings. Acknowledge why u use and get to the bottom of it so u can develop healthy strategies. But u can’t do that while ur on weed or any other substance. And p.s i felt the same as u about where weed is on the scale of things and how ppl wud laugh at me…thats just the lie ur addict brain tells u to keep itself safe. If u diminish its power and relevance u won’t have the drive to fix it. It doesn’t matter the drug…weed…meth…cocaine… food even…its not the drug its why we turn to the drug that needs to be addressed. But u gta be willing to go through the storm. It won’t be easy but i can promise u it is worth it.
Thank you for that. Luckily for me I’m no longer physically dependent upon weed. You know where you have to smoke to eat or smoke to sleep or smoke so you dont get moody. This time around I was just like yep I’m over it and walked away. But every now and again I smoke for a day or two then quit again and I haven’t figured out that why just yet. Learning to cope with lifestyle curveballs has been hard I’m not even going to lie but for the most part I’ve gotten thru the little obstacles sober.
I work two jobs and every now and then I actually have a day off and feel like smoking only to feel like shit afterwards. In my mind I know I need to give it up so I can level up in life I just dont know why i go back. Its who i used to be not who i am trying to be. It hurts me more than it helps me. I just hope I can figure out what makes me go back to smoking and eradicate the reason.
I’m gonna keep trying.
This is just my opinion - well what I have learned from my doctors anyway - the brain is designed to be as efficient as possible so it builds pathways/shortcuts in ur head for things so it doesnt have to think too much to make every little decision. For me I smoked when happy smoked when sad smoked when bored smoked as a reward smoked to unwind smoked before a party smoked on lazy days…there are more but these are the main ones I can think of. Now because I have been smoking that long in all of these situations my brain has built (what it thinks makes it efficient) neuro-pathways(or shortcuts) for when these things happen. So essentially It’s on auto pilot. It’s taken 10 years to solidify these pathways which is why the brain just goes there in any of those situations. Just because i realise its bad for me and that I want to stop. Eventhough I have an extensive list of all the reasons I want to stop…that doesn’t automatically get rid of those pathways. U have to redo the pathways. And it takes time. I’m still working on it. Imagine a field of grass and a path in the grass is ur decision or reaction. Atm certain situations equal “smoke weed”. Because uve been walking that pathway for so long its a solid path. What u have to do is create a new pathway for each situation. And as u walk the new path more and more it gives the old pathway a chance to regrow and eventually dissapear. So for me…being upset is a major trigger. My “upset” situation has lead to “smoke weed” for 10 years. So now i have a shower. Do some art. A fun activity i enjoy. Now, at the start it will not seem like a good alternative and ur brain will hate u and try as hard as it can to hang on to its original “efficient” shortcuts. But u have to push through. And everytime u walk the new path itll get easier like walking a path into the grass. It’s not fun, but u literally have to reshape ur brain. And it takes work. But I know u want it and i know u can do It!!! Make a list of things u enjoy (that dont include weed) and everytime u get that urge to run that easy path, pick something off ur list and start creating those new pathways . Make the choice. Thoughts dont have to equal decisions.U GOT THIS!!!
