I really need advice

You’re all probably sick of reading things from me but I don’t have therapy until this Saturday and I don’t know who else to turn to.

Long story kinda short if you haven’t been keeping up. I relapsed 31 days ago and my partner of 9 months saw the whole thing and has never had to deal with that sort of thing before. He’s having trouble processing it. I’ve asked about him going to family AA or even a meeting with me or even therapy and he’s just flat out said nah that’s not my thing. There’s been talk of us possibly living separately once our lease is up in August. We moved in together very quickly due to family problems on his side. We’ve disgusted multiple times about how he’s feeling about the relationship moving forward after my relapse and he has said he’s not sure what he wants but still “loves me”. Ive been distancing myself because I feel like he’ll leave me after our lease is up and I’m doing that so it hurts less if it happens. I’m stuck between try harder and why do I bother. Ive been trying really hard and I feel like he hasn’t brought anything to the table to help our relationship. We haven’t disgust anything in about a week to two weeks and I feel the need to talk about it again but don’t want to be nagging. I need to think realistically and start looking for options on where to live but I every time I bring our relationship up I get upset and he gets defensive and/or confused/kind of mad about me being upset. I’m just really torn on what to do and kind of scared of the outcome. I want to be with him and build a future. Any advice welcome on how to handle the situation or how to talk to him about it.

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I think preparing for the worst but expecting the best is important in this situation.

Think about what you can control and and what you cant.

You can control.

  1. Being prepared to move out and stay. You could prepare for both,at some point you feel it is important to make a decision on one or the other and he is unwilling to commit either way then you should tell him you are moving out because you have to do x,y and z and he has not given you and answer.

  2. Continue to stay sober so you can clearly think about your present life and make good decisions while also showing him through your actions that the previous episode he is concerned about will not happen again.

Things you can’t control.

  1. When he will want to make a decision about future living arrangements when the lease are up. Keep in mind even though you feel like you have changed he is still hurt by your actions. He may be upset and stalling about future living arrangements because he wants more confirmation that these issues are in the past. Maybe he is waiting until the last day to give notice on the current lease without penalty.

So to make a long story short. He is worrying about and protecting himself first. Which to some degree is what he should do. You also need to do the same.
You cant love and support another without loving and supporting yourself first.

Technically you dont need an answer from him regarding living arrangements until your contractually obligated to give notice your leaving the apartment without paying a penalty. Or whatever point you need to put down a deposit on a new place. Whichever of those comes first.

@littlemisschatterbox suggestion of time living apart is not the worst idea in the world. If your relationship cant survive living apart for a year or two was it ever really meant to be?

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I was concerned when you mentioned in a previous post, that he wanted you to guarantee him that you would never relapse again.

I question whether or not he’s actually healthy himself. In fact, I know he’s not. Because healthy people do not go and seek out relationships with alcoholics. Healthy people have relationships with healthy people. When there is one unhealthy person, in this case, you being an alcoholic, there is never just one unhealthy person in a relationship. It’s always two.

Then why is he so attractive to you? If he hasn’t brought anything to the table by now, I question if he’s ever going to bring anything to the table.

A question I ask myself is, “why did I co-create this relationship?” What is it about me that finds such a person attractive?

You’ve already tried to talk to him about it. He’s not going to. And I can’t see you progressing in your recovery while being in a relationship with him because he doesn’t see himself as having a problem.

I’ve seen men hold the relationship hostage by refusing to make a commitment. It’s this sick game that’s played to keep the woman pursuing him and keep her attracted to him. I wonder if this is going on as well.

Meanwhile, you’re running out of time. With your lease coming due in less than to months, you need to act quickly before you run out of options. Just go ahead and make plans to live on your own.

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You need to find a place on your own and focus on you and your sobriety.

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Take this with a mountain of salt
Communication is the absolute most important thing. Not just talking but conversations where you both can speak in turn to explain your sides and eventually either agree, compromise or understand each other.
If you can afford a couples counselor and your partner is on board that would be a great thing to try because you’ll have a professional guiding the conversation.
Being able to sit down with your partner and discuss the issues you’re having calmly can be helpful, or might go sideways. It’s really easy to get upset when everything is raw and both parties are hurting. Being truthful and honest is very important, lying to save hurt feelings will snowball into lost trust because where do the lies end? Distancing may be the right thing for your situation, however the distance can cause lots of miscommunication and make everything way worse.
-Try to not blame, use I or me statements
-Be honest to your partner and yourself
-Write down key points you’d like to get to discuss so they’re not lost and you can stay on track
-Listen and ask for different explanations if it doesn’t seem clear or repeat your understanding to them
-Don’t try to get an answer, try to get an understanding. Decisions take time and lots of thought
-Be mindful of your tone and body language, if you’re getting upset let them know and try to cool down
-Explaining actions and reactions can help them see where you’re coming from, justifying actions may not help them see where you’re coming from because they’re not you
Anyone and everyone point out or correct issues from my post, I’m not a therapist or a counselor just some alcoholic goof that cuts trees down

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Tay,
You are like a juggler trying to keep too many things in the air at once.
You want this relationship to grow and move forward, that’s understandable, but not possible at this point.
Breaking the cycle your in will need all your effort. Until you find the desire to stay clean and sober, a solid relationship is unlikely. When you mix the ups and downs of a relationship with learning how to stay sober one or both are prone to fail.
Your sobriety is much more important than this man. Very few die from a broken heart, but many do from our sickness.
Sobriety is truly a life or death situation. If you choose to get and stay sober, new opportunities and situations you’ve never dreamed of will open up. Your new life may look back on the man and life you have now and wonder why you tried to cling to it. Or this man could support you with great enthusiasm.
Either way, focus on you. Go to a meeting. Listen to others that have been where you are. Keep coming back. People here want to help.
DK

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Maybe living apart would be better? Just from an outside perspective, it sounds like communication is really hard right now. Has it always been that way?

Being able to live out loud (in this case, being able to express your concerns, asking for clarity, being vulnerable etc) is super important. Maybe I’m just projecting here… but you need to be able to tell him what’s on your mind. Trying to keep yourself in a box to fit what you think he wants is a really slippery slope. Eventually you will need to open up and that might come when you least expect it and probably not how you wanted it to come out either. When tension is high, things will boil over and it could be worse than if you just kept trying to open up to him.

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All of these comments I was like damn I feel so attacked :joy: But you are 100% right and I like that you didn’t pick sides just because of the disease, you just said it exactly how it is. Thank you so much, I needed that!

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I find it helpful to remember my thoughts are not facts. That is my mantra when I go down the road of second guessing what other people are thinking/want.
My advice is to care for yourself and focus on your sobriety after your relapse. Communicate with your partner about the small day to day things and take each day as it comes, don’t fixate on the future as it can spoil the present.
Communicate about the big stuff at a set time that works for both of you. Life has a habit of working out though it may not seem that way at the moment.

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