A few minutes ago I reached 10 days yay
Well first of all I really want to get this out of my chest so if you are reading this thank you and any advice is welcome.
I have been exposed to porn on the internet when I was a teen and since then been consuming it almost everyday setting aside some times when I tried to stop and even used this app.
Well my self sabitaging isnt about that entirely…
The thing I wanted to taoe out of my chest is… I have never dated anyone… even kissed someone I’m 23yo btw. (This kinda scares me because I think that when I find someone this person will think I already have experience or know anything when I dont) anyways.
During school I always felt like I was not ready for dating someone… and maybe I was right but I had very low self-esteem, I managed to raise that and be kinder to myself but still… I was already 18 when I noticed school was over and suddenly I was not interested in anyone.
I always thought I would be able to stop with my addiction when I became an adult but, well it didnt happen, and then I thought I would be able to stop when I got a job since I wouldnt have alot of time left working and doing other things and, guess what? One day I almost areived late for work because I was busy looking for “a good video”.
This went on and I never really found the best time to stop until… I met this one girl and the more I got to know her the more I liked her. She was everything I wanted in a partner really, she also had her own problems and dificulties in life but I got myself together and asked her out. I thought I would be able to stop now, for her, for us? But she said no. (I laughed a little now writing this part).
It was silly to think I should change for another person and not for myself. But I only realized that 10 days ago when my phone notified me its been a year since I last saw that girl. (Because of a picture we took together)
When I saw that picture I thought to myself: “You were supposed to stop because of her remember. But thats not how things work, you have to stop for yourself and because you love yourself.” And then I remembered this app, downloaded it again and started the counter.
Days 3 and 5 were the herdest ones so far and on the 5th day I spent a few hours debating with myself of I should give up. Looking back into the day I felt bad because I didnt do anything other than fighting my urges but now with a clearer mind I think figthing back was all worth it.
I think I have never been so far, not in number of days but in how much will I have to continue.
If you read it until here thank you again and I hope you also have a a wonderful day/night ahead of you…