I should love my life

Hello I am new on here and im not too sure where to start. So, I split with my fella about a year ago after my constant xanax/liquor cocktail binges finally broke his patience. Out of anger and impulse I decided to pick up smoking crack, just because I didn’t have my husband telling me what I couldn’t do anymore and I was really out of shape in need of an easy hunger suppressant and I already knew I enjoyed the high. I picked up crack on November 2, 2019 and didn’t stop until almost one full year later, costing me every penny of my savings, losing easily around 40lbs leaving me at a lowest weight of about 95lbs, and most heartbreaking being my dignity towards the end when I was introduced to the dark world of not needing money to pay for drugs. After catching a felony and beginning to dabble in the two drugs we all swear we’ll never try (giving me my first real flatline overdose) I finally felt my time with drugs was up and I haven’t gone back to them since.
I have since gained all my weight back, roughly 135lbs now, and moved back in with my husband who is so lovingly letting me take time off of work to focus on staying healthy. Most days I love my life and am so grateful I don’t even have to work. The support system I’ve built around me is so great, endless laughs and reality checks when needed. I should love it all the time and not just most days. I love them all so very much. I look at my husband and want to wrap myself around him or have him carry me in his pant pocket all day everyday. I’m so grateful that my body is still able to function this well after such long abuse and almost 10 years after high school. I’m lucky to have gotten out of the hole when I did and have jt as good as I do now. I should love my life.

But then there’s some days when I wake up and the first thing I feel is how my bones don’t stick out anymore, which then leads me on a 2 hour nostalgic daydream trying my hardest to vividly remember exactly what taking a good hit feels like and how much richer and skinnier I was when I could afford said good hit.

I literally have to slap myself when that one relapse thought starts. THE ONE, which brings along another 50,000. “I won’t let it get this bad this time, I’ve already been clean this long I could do it again, plus it would only be to lose 15lbs, i wouldn’t even need money for it, etc.”
I should love my life. I should be so grateful that these thoughts shouldn’t even cross my mind.

I fear that these thoughts are foreshadowing an opportunity for a relapse, but I hope it’s just the passing of a subconscious milestone. Some days it just really feels like I am losing my mind.

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I just read this and want to share something with you. My experience, since that’s the only thing I can speak about, is that sitting around the house wasn’t going to cure the cravings or the obsession to want or use or drink. I went to a meeting (yes they are still running during Covid if you look) and asked for a sponsor. I began this journey of doing the steps. These steps have helped me develop a relationship with God, which today is the most important relationship I have, and God has done his work of removing the obsession from me to want to drink and use. I can’t explain it but it’s happened. Now dont get me wrong, I get passive thoughts of drinking and using, thinking I could do it just once, but when I pray it God steers my thinking in another direction. You also need some type of network, family and friends being supportive is great, but you need people like yourself that you can talk too that are doing the same thing. They themselves won’t even keep you sober, only a power greater then yourself will, but they will lead you in the right direction to what you should do. What you’re feeling is absolutely normal but those are my suggestions. I’m here anytime you want to chat, I’ll be happy to help you in anyway.

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Thank you! I’ve occasionally thought about meetings and sponsors in the past but I was always really in denial about being an addict until recently. I really appreciate it and it makes me feel at ease knowing we’re all going through the motions together everyday we try to stay healthy.

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No one had helped me see it this way. Thank u :heartbeat:

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Thoughts cross our mind. It doesn’t mean we aren’t grateful or we don’t deserve what we have. Our addict brain likes to tease us. Show it who is boss by playing the tape forward and then choosing sobriety. A relapse cannot happen with thoughts, we have to take some action too.

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