Welcome! I know you’ll think it’s impossible, but I guess a lot of us here know how you feel. I quit alcohol, but increased - a couple of years ago - the amount of benzodiazepines I take. I was tapering when a very complicated situation “hit” me, so I turned to large quantities of benzos.
Fast forward, a couple’s of years later, I can’t remember when was the last time I smiled, let alone laugh. I’ve isolated myself and became agoraphobic and depressed.
My 14 year old son is at his father’s (not an ideal solution, but right now I can’t take care of him, although I miss him awfully). So, since the waiting list for rehab facility is very long, I’m at my mother’s, tapering, going to a psychologist and not doing much else. I am trying to get out of the house, but even calling a plumber or a gardener is soooo difficult. Nevertheless, there are better days.
I feel like I’m made of lead.
So, even knowing our stories are different (although, years ago I too made a choice and sacrificed myself, so to speak, for my late father’s peace of mind), the result is similar. You feel like that because of the booze. Actually, most of “you” now is booze, not the real you.
Perhaps it seems impossible or unimaginable, but if you could start with baby steps, talk to your wife, openly, and/or to a specialist, you could achieve what a lot of people here achieved: freedom. And with that, the satisfaction, the calm and - yes, even that - the happiness you’ve forgotten.
Sorry I can’t be more helpful.
