Sometimes I just don’t even know if I’m really trying to recover or if I’m just trying to patch up the Band-Aid and I just keep getting stuck like I have been stuck in this shit for 13 years maybe even more and I just feel like no one around me has really come out of it completely. They just try to patch their ways around it and I just I don’t know if I wanna patch my way around it. I want to fucking resolve it but what if no one else wanna go this deep and get into why we feel what we need to feel or not need to feel because we’re doing this shit?
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I can relate to this…
I know for me, I’ve tried a thousand times to quit, but at least half of those times, I never really wanted to quit - I just wanted to avoid the unpleasant results.
Honestly, even now, I’m not really sure that I want to quit my drug of choice. But, I am one hundred percent certain that I NEED to quit… and, I do sincerely hope that I will one day love being free more than I ‘love’ my addiction.
I’ve concluded that it comes down to, not being so concerned about what I feel like doing, but being committed to do doing the right things anyway.
I can tell you, I felt terrible today, after just two weeks of recovery. But, I know I made the right decision, so I’m going to stick with it… and I trust what they tell me here in this community; that it will one day get better.
You can actually do this; don’t give up, even when you feel like crap because of the internal struggle.
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I needed to quit drinking and drugging for years. I knew I needed to quit for almost as long. But recovery isn’t for people who need it, it’s for people who want it.
Despite needing to quit for years, I wasn’t able to quit until I wanted. Until I wanted so badly that I was willing to do anything to stay sober.
Needing sobriety never helped me do the work. Wanting sobriety made me put in the work
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Maybe it would help to hang out around people who are working on recovery and have successfully recovered. I’m talking about meetings, AA - NA - Smart Recovery - Celebrate Recovery - Dharma Recovery, whatever it is that is available. I was able to get sober when I wanted to get sober more than stay drunk and I was willing to do what other people suggested, and I started going back to AA at least 4 days a week. I also was on Antabuse and was seeing an alcohol counselor. And not messing with my meds and was being honest with the counselor.
Comparing myself to people who failed was not a good strategy for me. Identifying with sober people worked.
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This is it right here…
Powerful
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Sounds like you need to surround yourself with serious like minded people. As already mentioned recovery programs like AA have large groups of people associated with them and they’re very serious about recovery. People will be people of course, but the programs themselves are great and many people really want to recover and stay that way and will do whatever it takes to help themselves and others around them. Highly suggest an in person meeting and getting phone numbers of people you can talk to you. The beginning is really tough, but it does get easier if you put the work in and stay focused
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Keep your goal close to your heart where only you have the power to seize or distroy it
At one pont in my journey i thought no1 cared so should i? This thought broght that weed thc vape stright to my nose where i could smell the thc oil. When i saw what i wanted to see which was others still do care, i then saw what i NEEDED to see, which was, I NEED TO CARE.
one day ill be asked to blaze. I will have every right to but i care about my goal.
Even right now, while next to my wife with my baby in the back seat i have every right to blaze some weed.. its leagal.. it wont kill me but i care about my goal
Also all the hell it brought will be in my history right there foever. I dont want help getting back to my living hell.
I also did other drugs so believe i know the difference between good drugs and bad drugs
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I hear you, Its Friday afternoon and I’m having to remind myself to stay on practical tasks, start of a weekend!, big risk zone for me as my brain wants to slip in to old habbits, and that for me is it, old habits. So I’ve started some chores already, this will give me more free time over the weekend to do more positive things.
Learning and being more aware of my bad habits, the trade off is to feel better. If I sink in to a dark place tonight I will be awake until 2-3am Saturday morning, I will sleep in till 11am and be tired grumpy and feel crap, next stop would be a convenience store to load up on junk food that’s loaded with sugar, by 2pm ish I might start to feel human, two things can happen, I now have the energy and motivation to sink again and try and feel happier, of I simply get frustrated about what I haven’t done, both go badly. So this weekend I aim to achieve things around home and catch up with friends, work on changing my mindset to be in a better place 
Hope this helps.
Stay strong, stay well
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