I'm at a crossroad

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This post is intertwined with alcohol but also has more layers then just booze, I’m afraid. I’m around 13 hours sober.

My boyfriend (33M) and me (30F) have been struggling alcoholics for over a decade. I have had my own fair and criticisable issues over the years. My boyfriend quit drinking for 8 years prior to dating me so I partially blame myself for having started this alcohol fuelled dilemma.

Last night, my boyfriend and I had a huge, very public fight in our home, in front of our roommate for the first time. He stormed off in a drunken rage, driving to who knows where after 10+ drinks. He made it home safely, thank god, but we both are now facing the hard truth again going, “What the fuck are we doing?”

This morning, my roommate drove me to work and basically relayed all of my deepest fears back to me. She has observed that we both drink nearly every day and this is not our first rodeo. She also correctly guessed the two of us have had nasty fights while under the influence in the past. Ontop of that, she very kindly mentioned my boyfriend also has had a pretty bad attitude when it comes to the house and our lives. He begrudgingly helps around the house but most of the time not, putting off his dreams and goals and to add to the fire, I appear to ‘walk on eggshells’ with him. Upon deep reflection, I am not sure if these characteristics have been adapted due to the heavy drinking lifestyle or are a core part of his personality that I have just accepted. I immediately sunk into my chair because she’s right and I am terrified with how right she is.

Me and him having been conversing at great lengths today over text because I went to work and he did not. I have been relentlessly honest about how problematic things have been and how we have some fairly fundamental issues that we cant run from anymore. I have opened the worms about how this relationship is starting to show some serious cracks. Him involving my roommate in the fight (whose also my best friend) was a huge escalation but it was, in hindsight, probably what he needed. Hes been very receptive, even borderline groveling, and swears to change forever. He has officially sworn off booze today for good with a million mile apology. He admits he has been a problematic partner and swears on his life to do better.

I like what I am hearing but also worry I am hearing manipulative and empty words. Im in a tough spot because I am months away from wanting to start a family and am afraid im getting too old to have children if I leave him and start over. I want more than anything to make things work but I also dread that staying would be disastrous and our children would have difficult upbringings.

I know I’m the only one who can make any positive changes in my life but I don’t even know where to begin. I want to make things work with him to avoid destroying my life and everything we’ve worked towards but I don’t want an avoidable, difficult life. Am I being a pushover? Am I just delaying the inevitable? Could we both really successfully quit drinking together?

Thanks to anyone willing to read this long post. I know whatever happens, my relationship with alcohol needs to change at the very least. Whether I stay with my partner is unfortunately a consequence. I’m just so tired of deleting and reinstalling this app and I feel like screaming into a pillow.

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Hi. Welcome back.
I’m going to give it to you straight.

  1. This sounds like a terrible relationship that you need to end. Fighting is not normal.
  2. As an alcoholic you need to work on you, and you alone. Get sober for real, like you want to.
  3. Once you are sober for a good long while, get back out there and find a good sober man who will treat you and your future kids right.
  4. You are not too old at all to have kids. You have plenty of time. Your future kids will take benefit from a stable, happy, sober mom and dad.
    You can do this. 30 is a great age. Honestly I think a woman’s 30s are the best. (I’m 41.)
    Good luck! I hope to see you around here. :smiley:
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Great that you are back and not giving up to fight for your sobriety. I don’t think that this relationship is a healthy one. You need to just focus on yourself and really focus on your sobriety. You need to make a plan how to get sober and the more important part how to stay sober. What about AA? Meetings and a sponsor? Your sobriety should come above all and having an alcoholic partner is probably keeping you away from your plan of sobriety. This sounds really toxic to be honest and (of course) you are having thoughts of kids at this age but first get sober and have a plan in action. Everything else comes later. I wish you all the best on your path to sobriety. You can do it if you really really want to

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That’s a lot and I think many of us have found ourselves in similar situations. Sending many hugs to you, I bet you need them today. :people_hugging:

You did ask for advise, so I will share some from my perspective…having been in some pretty dysfunctional relationships, including an emotionally and physically abusive one involving a lot of alcohol and fights.

You have some big red flags waving, please don’t waste more time ignoring them.

You are right to be worried. This is your gut telling you that this relationship is not healthy. Just like your best friend told you. Your gut and your BF are looking out for you, please listen.

I get you want kids, but what really is more important right now than a new responsibility, is taking care of your #1 responsibility and that is YOU. You have a problematic relationship with alcohol and a messy romantic relationship. Getting yourself into a healthier space is 100% more important than bringing another responsibility into the mix. You deserve some time for healing and sobriety and getting straight with your self.

I think you are having magical thinking and not being realistic about the mess of your relationship. I get it, been there. Some relationships are worth working on, but when your BF is sitting you down, you need to listen. You can waste some more years on this, or you can start taking the hard, suck ass steps of rebuilding now. I have rebuilt quite a few times over the years and literally every time, things got better. It takes work, for sure, but that is life. Why waste more time?

Life goes faster than you think. You are young, working on your sobriety and your self is a bold choice that you won’t regret. What you may regret is wasting more time on someone who doesn’t cherish you and hold your heart gently in their hands. You deserve that. Listen to your gut and your friend. It isn’t too late to make some serious healthy changes. You are 100% worth it. Many hugs and strength to you!! Believe in yourself!!! :people_hugging::heart::star2:

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I deleted and reinstalled this and other apps (and sobriety groups etc) for years. Don’t be ashamed or worried about what other members think (I am guessing that is why you delete). We are here to stand beside you in the mess. That is what recovery peers do.
Your relationship dynamics sound very complicated. It is impossible to tell what is the booze, what is just a characteristic of him or you or the relationship between you.
IMO there is a possibility (maybe a small one) that you could both successfully quit drinking, but only if both wholeheartedly throw yourselves into recovery. It sounds like you both need to go to AA or a similar program, and also Al-anon as you have both been the partner as well as the drinker. However, there is also the possibility (maybe a more likely one) that after recovery you will discover that the drinking was just a bandaid for fundamental issues in the relationship.
Also, as others have said, kids would make a complicated situation even more complicated, and also limit your choices. As well as being unfair to the kids.
Focusing on what you can do, for yourself, now, seems like the first thing to do. Check out some programs and get stuck into something that suits you. And see if your partner is willing to do the same.
All the best to you. :purple_heart:

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thanks for your awesome and honest share, you sound really clear and your question is understandable. but i’ll agree with the other voices in here - it’s not a good idea to stay in a toxic relationship. leave and work on yourself. 30 is really young. the most important thing now is that you put yourself and your future children FIRST - meaning, remove yourself from this dangerous situation.

in all likelihood, they are manipulative and empty words. the man doesn’t want to lose you because then he’ll be left to deal with the mess of his life on his own, without being able to project his madness onto you. your job now is to quit projecting your own madness onto this situation and start fresh and start your introspective healing & growth journey so you can have a kickass rest of your life :heart: that’s my two cents - and i left my child’s father when my son was 6 months so i get it. it’s hard. but we gotta leave these broken men alone.

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also: do not blame yourself for his own choices!!!

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You will read all the replies, but you will accept that which you want to accept.

Accept instead that which you do not want to accept.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, had to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers this control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.
We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other people. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing as making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it evidently hasn’t done so yet.
Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try
to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore non-alcoholic. If anyone, who is showing inability to control his drinking, can do the right-about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard and long enough to drink like other people!
Here are some of the methods we have tried: drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, consulting psychologists, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums - we could increase the list ad infinitum.
We do not like to brand any individual as an alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It will be worth a bad case of jitters if you get thoroughly sold on the idea that you are a candidate for Alcoholics Anonymous!

Patrick ; RVA

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