Im getting scared

Life in Recovery
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Possible TW using warning ****

Im reaching out to stay on track…i feel like im spiralling backwards again…cravings to drink are back big time, im getting through it but feel like im white knuckling again and nothing has really happened…i think this might be the plateau i feared might happen right at the start…the dust has settled, people are trusting me again and i dont want to eff up but its so strong again…the want for the escape is so tempting ive even thought about the other stuff…the stuff that wasnt my doc (alcohol) maybe a line to be able to have that little oblivion for even 10 mins to relax out of the constant drudgery of sobriety would be great, thats what it feels like now…that im fed up of saying no to myself every day, ive wondered how i can get it, how much itl cost and ive told knowone and thats why im venting here so that im not secretly thinking about it or it will get me, im venting but i guess i need someone to talk me through this because i dont want to mess up

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Great that you are reaching out!
It’s perfectly normal to be fed up sometimes with the constant work sobriety needs. It sounds like you are a bit stuck in known routines. That can feel like a boring every day chore that is done with not much motivation, love or gratitude allthough it is necessary to survive and have the opportunity to live a good life.

I can only share what helps me. Deliberately looking at my life and at what is bothering me from different viewpoints, even trying an overview. Writing down what I see. Digging honestly into my feelings. Again writing down what I find - or lack!
Asking myself: What would you like to do today to make yourself feel good? At least for 10 minutes. If it’s only 1 idea: DO it. If it’s more ideas: write them down and make a plan to do them.
I tell myself it’s ok to bääääähhhh and fuuuuuck BUT … we don’t do that anymore!
As I use this technique for all life issues it is not limited to recovery or sobriety. I find it very helpful with unlearning unhealthy patterns at the moment.

After taking this inventory I mostly come up with concrete conclusions. Mostly I discover that basic human needs are not met or are lacking attention at the moment. Or I am bored and crave fresh input for my underfed brain, heart and soul. My solution is to take action without thinking about what-ifs, doing things makes me feel better. I work on redirecting the stuck, craving energy into something different.
As soon as I can identify the underlying need I do something about it. Mostly only little things because they add up and I like to do little things.
Keep going dear friend. This too will pass :people_hugging:

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That sounds indeed hard. And it involves a lot of willpower and discipline which in the end will costs a lot of energy.

In the end, we have to find reasons also made by experiences that no matter how shitty, tedious and hard life is, using won’t solve any of these problems.

It’s good you come here and get it out before :upside_down_face:

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I am absolutely going to do this as soon as i get home from this school run, thank you @erntedank and @anon74766472 xx

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I understand this feeling you describe, I go through it too. However, as you know, I succumbed to it once and it was a huge mistake! It did not do for me what I hoped it would. It did for me what I knew it would (deep down and truthfully): fill me with regret, disappointment, sickly feels, sadness and a knowing that I was, what felt like, ‘back at square one’. It’s so easy to glamorize drinking. We forget why we stopped , and how desperately we wanted to be where we are now. Remember your why. Remind yourself of the truth of it. Play the tape all the way through. What do you want to do, really? What do you actually need right now? How can you keep on showing up for and loving yourself? Because you deserve this sober life you’ve built and are still building. You deserve to feel good and proud of yourself. Drinking to feel good and to ‘let loose’ is just an illusion. Yes, you might numb some pain away momentarily, but then what!? This is what I continually remind myself. And, when it gets too hard, I go to a meeting and lean on others for support, or come on here - just like you have. Well done!!
We are here for you. What else can you do, instead of drinking (or drugs) to make yourself feel happy, relaxed and free for a bit. Go and do that. Make the time. Make the effort, because you deserve real joy and good feels :heart:
We’re here for you :people_hugging:you’ve got this :muscle:

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Thank you so much, thats exactly what im doing now…ive sat and read through my happy list of things that make me happy and also my gratitude list…i have both on my phone. Its the letting loose feeling i miss…ive not as yet found anything i feel like i can let loose with like using or drinking, i miss the head change… i cant find it anywhere else. I wont drink or use theres too much at stake but if im being truly honest i miss it :pensive: xx

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I know, I miss that too sometimes. But then I remember what the ‘letting loose’ actually means … Not good. Awful actually.
For me, I find exercise a good way to get that feeling. It releases a lot of endorphins. Chocolate is always good too lol.
Also, I immerse myself in activities that I enjoy, that are just for me. Also, I spend a lot of time with my niece and nephew - children have such a joy and their laughter is gorgeous, I love doing things with them that make them happy, it makes me happy. Your lists sound great! Always good to read and remind ourselves.

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Journaling is a great activity too. Sometimes I sit down with a pen and paper and just start writing. No plan on what to write. Usually starts as babble. But, then things start to come out and appear on the page. And I end up writing a lot, not having realised how much I was harbouring on the inside. I always feel good about this. And watching comedy for a good laugh, that gives me a good let loose feeling too, lol

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Oh Kelly, I hear where you’re coming from! I always feel the same after a few weeks’ sobriety. Sigh. Getting across the plateau is awfully hard.
I’m still trying to find the answer too, and even considered the same thing as you before quickly dismissing it as a bad idea (suggest you just park to too, let’s not make this any harder, eh?:blush:).

Your addicted brain is crying out for a dopamine hit. It has become used to getting dopamine from your DoC consumption and you are literally starving it of that, chemically. Addiction is often said to be 60% habit and 40% chemical. You can and have broken those habits but the chemical element remains and will take a long time to fade. I don’t know how long you were drinking for, but for me it has been 25 years, albeit only a couple where things got out of control. Imagine how deep those synapses in your brain are linking dopamine to alcohol. Is it any wonder this is hard?

I’ve found a selection of things useful in increasing my dopamine production. Magnesium supplements, sunlight, protein, chocolate (!) and most importantly, exercise. Exercise gives me the biggest hit. If I could bottle how I feel right after an hour of busting my ass I would never even consider drinking again! Please try it, when you feel the cravings coming! Interestingly for me I have to push myself quite hard to get the real hit, but lots of people report yoga helping by releasing dopamine too.

Don’t be afraid of admitting to loved ones that you’re finding it really hard, sad and frustrating. Honesty frees you and them. Just thinking about using feels like lying, but it’s not.

Good luck, stay on this journey with us! It will be hard, it will, but I promise you that tonight when I am desperate to open that bottle, I will not, I will get on my bike and exhaust myself so that I do not. :heart: ODAAT

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Alcohol is low vibrational. And since you’ve quit, you raised your vibration… dont sink back down to that level. Your better than that. You have evolved. Don’t listen to that scared voice that wants you to run back to that broken version of yourself because it would feel comfortable, you already know you weren’t happy there, and you deserve better than that.

I made a lot of mistakes there, and thats ok, Im not going back! Stay strong Kells :muscle: we got this!

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This made me cry…thank you Branden. I feel tired, beaten, sick of having to be strong, im lonely…i wish i had what you have…a long term partner i can rely on and turn to…i feel angry that i dont when everyone around me has that too, i know im better than that and i need to be strong but im sick of being strong ARGH!!!

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While our love is strong, emotional support has always been lacking. Me for her, her for me. Idk :man_shrugging: lifes not perfect. So I give that up to god. But I’ve never really had anyone in my corner and have always had to sort shit out on my own. My mental strength comes from that alone. I have to be here for me, because at the end of the day, we all we got. Your relationship with you is the most important one you will ever have. I wish you the best, and I mean that. We are close in sober time and im so proud of you for being here!

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Your right, knowone can do this for me, im glad to be on this journey with you…your words always go straight to my heart for some reason, im proud of you too…it feels hard at the moment but i know it wont stay this way much as it feels like it, i feel so lucky i found this place so i can get this shit off my chest before id pick up

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Funnily enough ive actually told my mum today i need some time alone today to work through shit as im struggling, id have kept all of this to myself before, thank you James

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Kelly I know how hard it can get at times, I’m sorry you’re struggling, you’re doing the right thing reaching out here. I had times exactly as you describe in the past. Sometimes those feelings would last a month, maybe 2 but I kept telling myself I only have to make it until bedtime. I would try to get back to the basics of sobriety… read my old threads on here to remind me that I fucking hate the person I use to be, there is no universe in which I want to be that person again. I soul searched and figure out that what I miss was my party days in my early 20’s when drinking the way I drank was “normal”. Those days are long gone, and I hated my drinking days for the last decade that I drank… Those are the days I would have again if I picked up, except worse.

It’s time to love and respect yourself, love and live your current life. You’ll only have this day 1 time, and then it’s gone, so make the best of it. Reach out anytime you struggle, never struggle alone. Best wishes to you.

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Thanks Dan, ive taken some time out for myself today…ive read my happy list and my gratitude list…ive listened to some favourite music and bought myself a bunch of flowers, i feel a little better i think

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I hear you, having no partner to lean on is hard. In my humble opinion “being strong” is a double-edged sword. My life is becoming a lot more manageble and my feelings are leveling to mostly “normal” since I don’t give a fuck on being strong anymore. Instead I focus on me: What do I need, what’s going on on the in- and outside, how about my energy level and mind, what is absolutely necessary today, what do I for ME today, and most important of all: It’s ok. I practise and fail? ok, new turn. I’m about to have a fit? ok, but first breathing, pausing and being kind to myself (mostly the impulse faded by then). I want a drink? no, we don’t do this anymore, we check HALT (mostly HALT solves ANY destructive impulse in my life). My lonely-special: evenings when I’m tired and feeling lonely yearning for loving company and cuddles. Then I fucking trained myself to shut down all media and bring my tired ass to bed instantly before my emotions turn unhealthy. No, that’s not motivating, that’s boring. But there is a big fat bonus waiting for me in the morning! I wake up sober, rested and my energy is back (morning person here)! This is a reward that never gets old for me. And it’s only possible because I allow myself to be the weak, vulnerable, imperfect human I am. Maybe these thoughts help a little bit :people_hugging:

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Yes they do, thank you for taking the time to help me dear friend…you really do…i do need to remember that its ok not to be ok sometimes to feel all the feels and address what is making me feel like i want to turn to the escape, before this sobriety journey and this site i would always struggle alone not wanting to reach out for fear of judgement, not wanting to worry those i love or feel shame but im learning that the opposite of addiction is connection…mostly with you guys on here and im teaching myself not to keep addiction secrets…if i can talk it out with people who understand i can stay on track…i love you all on here dearly, thank you :blush:

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I hear you @Starlight14, sometimes we just want that escape from the reality that life is hard. :heart::people_hugging::heart: You already got so much wonderful support and suggestions, such a blessing right there to be cared for as you are, by so many people. I am glad you vented here vs using at your feelings.

Some things I learned along my journey that I want to share…maybe you get something from it, if so great! If not, that is fine too.

As humans, we seem to think that ‘happy’ is our birthright and ‘normal’ and any other emotion we need to change it (turn that frown upside down) or escape from. I don’t think this is the case. It really is okay to not be okay. It is okay to feel a wide range of emotions. They come and go if we allow them their space to do so. Fighting against our natural emotions creates struggle and unease. Feeling them allows their expression and release. Journal them, cry them, vent them here, dance them out, let them out thru baking, drawing, whatever. Our body loves to emote. :heart:

We will have these days…weeks…months…sometimes years, yeah, that sounds nuts, but boy have I had some years. Even within the challenging times there are pockets of bliss and joy. A butterfly, a smile, a warm bath, a good sleep.

Sobriety doesn’t make life all unicorns and rainbows, but it can make us less anxious, more self aware, more centered, more willing and able to be gentle and compassionate with our selves and others. It opens us up to all life offers.

When we strive for only the positive emotions, feelings, experiences we suffer…the grasping and wanting it holds us back. If we can loosen our hold on the need to feel or be a certain way all the time, our bodies can relax a little (and so can our minds).

And relationships…our longest and most complex will always be with our selves. We spend an incredible amount of time considering relationships with others…I have found as I age that devoting more time to my #1 relationship…with my self…heals me in many ways and enhances all other connections I choose to have.

I am glad you are using your self care tools (I know they can feel lost in the haze when we are in the thick of it). Sending love and care your way. Being a Mom on your own can be a lot to bear at times…but waking up hangover and regret free can remind us of all we can and do accomplish each day. :heart:

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Thank you so much Sassy, you always speak so much sense, i see you as a mentor that i really look up to and i always feel better after reading your wise and compassionate words, thank you for being you and for taking the time to help me, im hitting the pillow sober thanks to everyone thats helped me today :blush:

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