I'm getting sober, spouse needs counseling

Over the last 2 months being sober, I have become more aware/less tolerant of some issues with my wife. She had a messed up childhood, and a messed up adult relationship with her siblings (since they are all messed up too). She has done counseling before, and we both saw the amazing effects it had on her confidence. She is especially sensitive to any comments I make, that see sees as criticism or negative, since she eats all the :face_with_symbols_over_mouth: from her family. Part of the ultimatum she gave me was to get help or attend meetings. I knew it was not the path for me at the time, and am doing well using this app, meditation and podcasts. How do I approach this issue with her? I am not going to give an ultimatum, I don’t believe they work and create resentment. But I really want to see her doing something for her wellness too.

Maybe do it together first? A leader knows the way, shows the way, and most of all, goes the way.

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Already feel I am showing and going with my sobriety. (Part of that resentment thing creeping in)

Are we living parallel lives? I am going through a very similar situation, brother.
Unfortunately there has been damage done, she was hurt enough to give an ultimatum which, from what you wrote, you tweaked to better fit your comfort level. I imagine she put up a fuss when you disagreed with her demands to attend meetings, I know my wife would. My wife also had a terrible childhood with an angry, distant and abusive father, 4 siblings that didn’t care and a mother trying her best. Dealing with all that in adulthood is very uncomfortable for her. Maybe your wife is tweaking things you say to her to match her comfort level.
Sometimes when I get upset at my wife for not dealing with her family issues and not taking my “sage advice” on what she needs to do (she told me what I need to do, I did not take it well) I take one of her stories from her childhood and imagine it: She’s 4 yrs old sitting on the kitchen floor under the phone hanging above her head, it’s been hours since the time passed that her dad said he would call from the road. She’s waiting still, hoping that the phone will ring. She knows he’s going to call, he PROMISED he would call. Her mom comes over to tell her that it’s time for bed, that he’s not going to call tonight, that he probably forgot…
This brings me to tears. This memory is burned into her forever. This gives me a glimpse of what she goes through on a day to day basis. It’s called empathy and if I can practice this even a little bit it makes our relationship so much stronger. If I gave my wife more hugs and fewer opinions of how she should live, we wouldn’t be in the mess we are in now. The best of luck to you, friend.

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Ouch, an example of her childhood is, “if this horse doesn’t win, no one gets dinner tonight” he is out of our lives, thanks to a confrontation she had with him following her previous counseling. Just want her to get back to that strong healthy place.

I’d caution against using the word “need” when it comes to counseling for someone else.

Living with drunks is a hard life and shit turns into habits. I like @Yoda-Stevie advice. Try some counseling for you and suggest it may help them too.

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YES to all of this.

As a survivor of a sublimely unhealthy childhood, I’m a huge advocate for individual and couple’s counseling in tandem. I did trauma counseling independently(specifically EMDR) and then we did couple’s counseling to help my husband learn to understand and support me in more effective ways.

It was super helpful. If my husband had said “you need therapy because I want you to get back to xyz place” I would have been appalled and probably left. When he approached it as “I want to understand more about your trauma and how I can help you feel safe here” it made me feel way more at peace with the whole process.

But even aside from the way both of you relate to her trauma, the fact that you’re resenting her is a pretty big sign that there is work to be done on both sides.

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or Ego, maybe. I notice my patience for others issues, be they personality quirks or drug/alcohol related gets pretty thin, especially when I am on my big “be better, stronger, smarter, faster” initiative.

I have to remember that others aren’t at the same point in their walks, as I am in mine, and supporting and encouraging them, is part of my getting better at getting better, each and every day.

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