Im having a rough night, could use some comfort

I have been in a rough patch lately. I wake up and dread the day ahead. My flashbacks have gone down and my triggers are weaker now, but im still so paranoid. I keep blaming myself for everything i went through.

There was nothing i could have done. No way to stop her. I was a child. I was four. I was so scared and im still scared. Im on edge. I have fewer real triggers now thanks to therapy but some things still set me off and i hate it. I feel so weak. Im pathetic, why cant i just get over it. 13 years ago it started, 12 years ago it ended. Why am i still so broken.

Sometimes i feel like im just damaged goods. Im broken, im filthy, im far beyond repair. I know thats not true but i cant stop those thoughts. I hate the feeling that i deserved it, but i cant shake that away.

Im healing though. Im eating right, working out, going to therapy, sleeping 6-8hrs a night, today was just overwhelming. Im so tired from work and summer school (getting ahead by doing english 12 july/august and i start grade 12 in september). Stuff kept breaking, and i just feel like i cant do anything right. I have another therapy appointment on Tuesday but i need some comfort now. Even just venting helps. Anything that keeps me from drinking to cope helps.

Thanks to anyone who read this far, the community on here is so wholesome and supportive and youve all helped me so much.

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If it’s any consolation, we do not have to he defined by the traumas and abuses of our past. You are not damaged goods, you’re a person. We all have weakness and shortcomings which make us human. It makes us humble, and allows others to empathize with us, relate to us and unite in our growth.

It takes broken soil to produce a crop, broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread, broken bread to give strength. It is the broken alabaster box that gives forth perfume. . . . it is Peter, weeping bitterly, who returns to greater power than ever. [“Broken Things,” an excerpt from Vance Havner, The Still Water (Old Tappan, NJ: Flemming H. Revell, 1934). Quoted in Guideposts , October 1981, p. 5]

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I also have many triggers… and sometimes I get so frustrated and depressed that I feel so broken at times. You are doing everything you are supposed to be so do not get discouraged. Without bad days you would not appreciate the good.
Usually when I feel off I’m hungry, Angry, lonely and tired. So I’ll call a friend, workout, eat some food an/or go to bed early. Hope you get a good nights rest so you can take on the day tomorrow.

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