I'm having feelings today

[Ivalstand]

So, I got bored today. Woke up sorta early, knitted for a bit, did some gaming, more knitting, then I did some dusting in my apartment. I decided to paint one of my living room furniture pieces white to match the others, and I went to work on it. But goddammit… sitting on the floor, even with good, happy music blasting on my LP player, I got in my feelings.

I thought about how I can scroll down my FB messages and there hasn’t been one conversation in two weeks that someone else started, except for my stepmother, who occasionally messages me for/about random stuff.

I always text first. And it sounds kinda silly to be upset about that, but that’s the age we live in, and I know that it’s 100% valid…

I keep coming across funny memes and videos that I send to my brother. He reacts to them, but never really texts back. Sent an impromptu message to my little brother on Discord, telling him that I love him, no reply. He never picks up the phone when I call, and I can’t remember the last time he called me. I think it’s been a year, at least. He didn’t congratulate me on my birthday, and he didn’t come to the sibling get-together that I blogged about here. If I don’t message first, then I don’t hear from him.

I called my mom the other day, and we talked for about an hour. She’s staying at her and her wife’s cabin, which she does when she gets in a mood and needs to be alone. She wasn’t there at my birthday dinner, she never made the birthday cake she promised to make, when she goes all out for all my other siblings on their birthdays. I think the last time she made a birthday cake for me was when I turned 20, nine years ago. Another thing that must sound kinda silly… but it really stings.

So now I’m just sitting here in tears, playing my favorite horse game (I’m physically 29, but I’m 13 in my soul). I text my best friends in our three-person bestie group chat, and they reply, but nothing else.

I feel like nobody particularly likes me, especially my little brother. And I know that it’s not true, but still… I’m having a terrible day. I blame it on the fact that I did some painting.

Just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

[BackOnTheRoad]

Sad To Hear

Hope you feel better Soon, i know Times Like that.

Maybe Go to a therapist or a Meeting for lonelyness.

Here in Germany we have Meetings for everything. I know how it is in norway.

Wish you all the best

[erntedank]

It is not silly, it is a normal reaction on not getting back adequate responses/attention/support/caring for what you put effort in.
As we can only control ourselfs, I sadly have to say that your own expectations hurt you.

From my experience - and I have been struggling with this issue for years - a shift of perspective can help to refocus and rewire expectation patterns in the long run.
Focus on yourself, not on others.

Yes, that means you stop giving where it is already not wanted / ignored. I recommend to get help and therapy, working through tons of literature about codependency helped me tremendously.

This process is hard but rewarding when you keep going.

For now: Here come hugs, catcuddles, dog sniffs, a blankie, a big pot of tea and a fascinating book for you It’s ok to be sad and hurt, you do you because you matter

Be kind to yourself. I put the kindness and care I gave without getting any in return into myself and my life. Feels weird at the beginning, you get used to it.

Share away, it helps to clear emotions and sort thoughts. Those patterns are sticky

PS: Love your picture!

[Dazercat]

Hi Olivia.
It sounds like you’re having a pity party. I’m so happy to be invited to it. My sober twin taught me to never have a pity party alone. I honestly get what you’re feeling. I been there too. If I get too much in my head it’ll drive me sadly crazy.

@erntedank gave you some great advice. She’s a wise woman. It does hurt when no one initiates calls or text or whatever. I did learn to get over that too. I only call or text people when I want to now without expectations. Expectations are resentments just waiting to happen. It took me awhile to get over that behavior. 40 years of expecting people to act they way I want them to isn’t going to be undone over night.

Oh, and by the way. I was walking one Sunday listening to my Christian music hoping to have a great Sunday walk. And all I could think about was how was I going to fly without drinking. I couldn’t get those thoughts out of my head. I was really bummed. I was hoping for a nice Sunday morning walk. 15 minutes before my walk was over I finally thought to change my music. As soon as I put on some Classic Rock instead, all those thoughts disappeared. I wish I had thought of that at the beginning of my walk.

Stick with us. And stay sober. It’s a better life.
I too like your pic.

[erntedank]

Awww, thanks for the roses Eric
You are the one who showed me the road and boy was it rocky & bumpy
So worth working on letting go and sitting in the sun instead of cringing about unmet expectations (and hopes by the way, for me the concept of hope always was beyond my horizon, too little logic in it).

This fellow has great advice Olivia, and a powerful story