I'm here again

I feel like my whole life is a relapse. Does it ever get easier? I genuinely didn’t think it would be this hard but I guess I underestimated how much drinking had a hold on me. Looking back at my life I realize now I’ve never really been sober. I started drinking at 12 or 13 ( I cant remember exactly) and I would bring alcohol to school sometimes. It was dumb, I was stupid for all of it. All of my friends were older than I was. I feel like from a young age I idolized this lifestyle that I now hate. I thought this was fun and cool and exciting. It’s not. My friends became all the people I ended up meeting from my parents parties. I was loving a double life from school to home sometimes. That’s what it felt like. It sucks looking back on it and I’ve never expressed it before. So here I am at 5am thinking about how stupid I am for drinking again last night. Thinking about my past and how I dont want my daughter to do what I am doing. I don’t want her to drink. I would never have parties around her like my parents did but most of all I hate when she sees me drinking at all, I am afraid she will idolize it the same way I did with my parents. I feel weird even writing this honestly.

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Valid fears on the kid front, I’ve had the same thoughts and eery premonitions that my kids will end up just like I did. I don’t have those fears much anymore, we’ve been sober for a few years, had many conversations about it, therapy and frankly I think the foster care time traumatized them to the dangers of falling in love with alcohol and the false feelings it can bestow upon you.

Get sober, be the person you want to be. You under estimated already, what’s your plan this time? How much further will you go to achieve sobriety?

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I want to try the meetings again even though it’s a little weird in the beginning. I just get uncomfortable but at the end of the day staying comfortable brings me back to this place so I probably need to be a little out of my comfort zone to meet some goals. I really just want to make some small goals and reach those first. I’ll make big goals to but I don’t wanna bite off more than I can chew. I’m like everyone else saying that “there is no one drink for me” I used to come on here and think I can be sober for a while and then I’ll have a drink once in while :rofl::rofl: wishfull thinking I guess. I want to be on here more and keep myself occupied with other things at home.

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Onward and upward right, that’s true. It feels nice to come on here and have support from strangers too

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Hey @AshleyA welcome back! I’m so glad that you have decided to come back and start again. I too was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. :pray:t2::two_hearts:

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Hi @AshleyA ! Your life is basically my life, except that I am 52-years old and on day 4. Nothing will change until you change it.

I was a little younger than you are now when I “knew” I needed to change. I have had several smaller periods of sobriety – maxing out at 50-ish days.

Do the work, dig in hard! That way, in double your life’s time, you won’t be telling someone half your age not to follow the difficult path you followed. It doesn’t get easier with time. Do it now, so you have your whole life to show your daughter how beautiful life can be when you don’t feel the need to alter it.

I am so glad you’re back.

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Wow, thank you so much! I am glad to be back on here. I see a totally differently life for myself and my family and I want to make it count!

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Thank you! I’m ready to be happy and truly expirience life

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Welcome back Ashley,
It sounds like you got a lot to be grateful for especially with a lovely daughter. I’ve drank all my life and finally gave it up last year at 60. I find gratitude is my strongest tool for starting my day off on the right foot. I got so much more to be grateful for now that I’m sober. It’s so worth it and so are you. And I know your daughter is totally worth a sober mom. I start my day off right here. Daily Gratitude List #2
Every single day.
I hope to see you around.
:pray:t2::heart:

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Thank you so much! I will definitely spend more time on the daily gratitude list. My daughter is my whole world and I want to be the best mom I can be :purple_heart:

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Hi don’t beat ur self up to much

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I appreciate it and I hear you on the friends thing. I’ve been looking at a lot of people differently lately

Hi @AshleyA from one mum to another all I can do is share my own experience with you . I’m a mother of 2 wonderful children I was the cool mum ! I used to say if my kids drink I’d rather them do it at home so I knew they was safe … in reality It was my excuse to drink more ! At 14 my daughter was found in a ditch totally out of it ( thank God she was ok ) all because she was looking up to me and my terrible ways … she was taken to hospital and by that time my own addiction was out of control… I was also taking crack and heroin… that was a big wake up call to me to sort myself out … and be a proper mum ! But as you know addiction is cunning baffling and powerful so I managed to qiut drinking but took longer for me to kick drugs … I was my daughter’s hero but in reality I was a mess … my daughter then started smoking weed … behind closed doors my life was falling apart but just over 2 years ago I found this amazing app and even though I’ve had a few relapses I’ve never given up … I’m nearly 8months clean… Today my daughter is coming up for her 18th birthday. She doesn’t drink or smoke weed anymore and is at college and wants to help others that have addiction problems and the homeless. She saw how much damage drink and drugs did to me and even though I tried my best to be a mum I didn’t do it right … the relationship I have with both of my children blows my mind . My son is older with 2 beautiful boys and my amends to them all is to keep clean and soba . Whatever you feel about yourself your daughter loves you . Not sure how old she is but it’s never to late to change. We can live our best life and there’s nothing wrong in asking for help . I’m so pleased your here reaching out. Have a wonderful day and never give up the fight. Cos your worth it xx

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Wow thank you so much for sharing with me, your story is truly amazing and I am so happy you’re almost 8 months clean. That is a huge milestone. My daughter is still pretty young but time goes by fast and I wanna get it under control now. Im 2½ days sober and moving day by day one foot in front of the other. Coming on here helps a lot honestly :purple_heart:

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In all honesty Its been somewhat of a struggle for me as well and when i go through those moments of weakness I lean on my higher power for the guidance I need I humble myself hit my knees and I pray to god go help me get through it and 100% of the time it does work

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I thought I recognised your face from one of the facebook pages. It’s not easy but well done…

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That’s awesome! I do the same thing honestly. God has been there for me 100% of the time and prayer is my number one to ground me and bring me back to where I need to be

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Aww thank you so much :hugs::purple_heart:

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Welcome back @AshleyA :sunglasses::metal:t2:

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Glad to be back :star_struck:

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