I was diagnosed with bipolar and god knows what else and Im an addict and I am really struggling to see the point of it all of this is a life long illness I don’t know if I’m strong enough to fight it everyday. And I’m having some pretty dark thoughts and can’t go to the hospital cause they think I’m a joke, everyone thinks I’m a joke. My mom gave me a picture I had made for my dad and asked if I even remembering doing it. My mom thinks she’s so great and above it all and has all the answers. Honestly fuck her she’s the reason I’m like this. Her and my dad and our fucked up family. She’s mean and she hates everyone. What kinda role model is that? A part of me really does hate my parents. I look at the damage they did to me and my sisters. Its the reason I want to get away. Move to Vancouver and never speak to them again. But then I feel guilty cause she’s my mom and it’s this vicious cycle I’m trapped in and I hate it and hate myself for thinking these things.
I’m sorry you are going through all this tough stuff x
I’m getting that you have a lot of unresolved issues with your parents and there’s a lot of anger there. Do you have someone to talk these things through with? Like a counsellor or therapist? That may help. And please don’t write yourself off due to illness. Now it’s diagnosed hopefully you can access the right support and care. Hang in there 
Wishing you the best on your journey!
I don’t have any advice to offer but I wanted to share a link to a thread where others are currently discussing hard family relationships.
Get it all out. Getting out the anger is powerful and cleaning. This was one of my main tasks in therapy. Get out the anger in a safe environment where you don’t hurt yourself or others. It was so difficult for me and like you did: thoughts and feelings of guilt were creeping up immediately. That’s when I jump into my mother’s skin right away. Don’t hurt her. But here it is safe to let it all out so that it won’t eat you up.
Out parents did us harm but with good intentions I think. They formed us in a large part. And I think today it is our task to form who we become tomorrow.
Thanks for the advice and kind words. I do feel better after getting it off my chest…I hate that I’m so angry and I just want it to stop.
I love what you said about our parents forming who we were and we have the ability now to form who we want to be by learning from their mistakes which they made with good intentions. They also didn’t have the best role models. It’s just tough to be so conflicted. It’s exhausting to be honest.
I’m wondering why you think the hospital thinks you are a joke? Their reason for existing is to help people who are hurting, whether it be physical or emotional pains. I’m sure they don’t think that.
I am so sorry you are feeling so lost and alone. You are dealing with a lot at once. But I promise there are places that can help.
Thanks I am seeing a psychiatrist for the first time in January which I’m nervous for but really hoping it helps.
I’ve often thought my parents were the greatest parents ever, only to get into therapy and realize there were many things that I didn’t even consciously become aware of that moulded me into the person that had to join communities like this.
My brother was very much the person you describe, for me, in your comment. It took a long time for him and I to get to a place where we made peace before he passed away this last Sunday. I had to challenge myself to confront him, I started by writing him a letter where I said everything I needed to say but not give it to him as a release.
I’ve had to learn that these people may have helped shape who I became then they certainly don’t have the ability to continue to do so now. I have that choice.
I hope that you can find what you need on this journey that helps you heal and find peace and love.