Im new, ryder is the name

Im ryder, im alchoholic/addict
I got the app more to track my time but i noticed this side of the experience, strength, and hope figured id get in on it. Well as of right now im 49 days sober from a 6 year bender and relapse and just finished my first true 4th and 5th step today and feeling like i can fly for the moment but let me back up to how i ended up here.
I came up in an alcoholic addict home. My parents were disabled on pain scripts mostly as far back as my memory goes of them. I was subjected to neglect, abuse mentally, physically, sexually. I was never taught manors or proper emotions or basic habbits like brushing teeth. This continued this way until i was 9 and my father and i fell through a frozen lake and he died of hypothermia saving me. The only thing that sparred my life was my dog laying on me at the time. I was found 17hours later and rescued with massive hylothetmic damage and emotionally disconected. I lived stuck in a wheelchair in a house with my mother who turned to every drug under the sun to numb her pain aswell as starting both my brothers and me on tbis same path. I was taken by the state little less than 8months later. Up untill i was 18 i played the system told people what they wanted to hear and got myself into anytbing i could at the time. From 18 to almost 20 my problems of past and addiction drug me down more. I couldnt hold a job i was oractically homeless and speedballing meth and heroin. At a breaking point i asked a man for help when i was strung out to get better.( he 12 stepped me and i didnt know). He took me to my first meeting where i broke and cried at the mercy of the group. They took me in with open arms. I can say i havnt used those drugs since. However i didnt not take the siggestions. I worked it my way, half assed, no sponsor, semi dishonest still smoking weed at the time. A certain point came where i tbought i was good and ventured away from the rooms. Man life happened in a big way. I found love, lost it. Got jobs, lost them. Gain friendships, lost them. I got by but lied to myself this is life. Unaware my doc could change. Up untill last year my best friend and first real love was murdered in a dv incident. I could not handle this and would not. Hell i took 2 tabs of acid unaware of what happened right before i got the phonecall to inform me. I soent 8 hours contiplating mortality and that i too could die and not care. Coming out of this i believed i may have fast tracked my grieving but only repressed it more and the maddness set in i accepted it willingly. Phcedellics, weed, coke, alcohol, Mainly vodka became my world. I lived to use and used to live recklessly. I wrecked my truck nearly dying. Sent myself to the hospital on a coke overdoes. And was unable to regulate my drinking. Everything suffered including my relationship with my family and friends even work. I finally broke in april after waking up on the floor with an empty bottle, baggie, and wallet in a house i didnt know or what time it was. I hit my bottom once again of demoralized and hopless. I called old numbers and found myself in a meeting 2 days later. 3 meetings a day is what i needed for the first week. I got a sponser in days and began ti read the book and work tbe steps with brutal honesty. No longer did i want to be a prisoner of my own demise. I wanted the promises to come true for me as i saw them in my fellows. I let go and let a higher power take me under its guidence and care. I did everything i didnt do the first time. And so my journey began once again. Here i am. Closing in on 2 months soonish. My compulsion to use is gone. I have contact with a higher power, a rienforcing sponsor. Service work and a home group. About to have sponsees of my own. I listen and learn in every meeting i go too including the warnings of the 3 step waltz. I did not accept that. Today i finished step 4 and 5. After my reflection i cant even describe how i feel right now. As if i was trapped underwater by a rock for years and its been lifted. I can finally breath. I see these principles working in me and my life at home, work, pubkic. Some call this the pink cloud. I call it a good program. Because i wanted it for me and put in the work so far. Just for today is where i live but i dont believe ill ever need or want to return to any of that life. Life is good today. Thankyou for reading who have made it this far. Whoever this reaches that still struggles just know you can do it too, it all starts with one step.

  • ryder
18 Likes

Wow Ryder! You’ve been through a lot! I’m glad you’ve come through the addiction wilderness to sobriety :heart: I’m sure your wisdom will benefit many on here. Welcome!

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Hi Ryder and welcome here,
Congratulations with the 49 days :confetti_ball:
Keep those sober days coming :facepunch:

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Welcome here keep sharing! It helped lots of us along the way :heart::pray:

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Welcome to the family

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That was one hell of a share, Ryder. Thank you, and welcome to the forum.

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Welcome, Ryder; I’m so happy to see you here~! :hugs:

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Wow that was deep and takes a lot of guts to share those things of your life. But you’re on the right path and in the right place. Hope to keep hearing about your recovery. Good job.

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