I’ll start by saying the person I’m about to talk about is a very good friend of mine, he has stood by me every step of the way when others have not, just this covo yesterday has irked me.
For the past 4 years my friend has been in and out of rehab and has been battling his own demons of various addictions. During this time, at every opportunity, he would tell me that I had a problem with drinking and that needed to stop. He would send me links to AA pages, invite me to meetings and really just talk about it whenever he could etc
Just over 6 months ago (although I had been toying with the idea for a year or so prior to this but never really took action) I decided to stop once and for all as it was getting out of hand.
At the start of this I really struggled with calling my self an addict, it was painful to say but he sort of drilled it into me and I learnt to accept it.
I found it hard I guess as I wasn’t a daily drinker, I was a binge drinker who would drink heavily when I DID drink but I could go weeks at a time between each binge. My drinking did cause me issues, ruined relationships and was preventing me from becoming the best version of me that I could be. I slowly learnt that THAT was what an addict was, it didn’t matter about the frequancy of my drinking, it was the impact it had on my life and also that when I started to drink, I could never stop, I had no control. Some binges went on for days, when I had the time…
So anyway, as I said, i grew comfortable with the knowledge that I was an addict, took appropriate action and have been clean since. First attempt.
Now, remember that for years my friend has been shining a light on my behaviours (which I AM greatful for) but at first this was embarrassing and painful to hear.
Now just yesterday we were talking about sobriety he turns around and says “oh no you were never an addict in the first place, you’ve found it all too easy” wth!? So for all these years it’s been ok for him force the idea onto me that I’m an addict, and believe me it wasn’t nice to hear but now ive finally accepted it and found it’s ‘easy’ to become sober (I have not btw… ) he throws it back in my face that I was never an addict anyway??
I know it’s pathetic of me but I feel like he’s took my power away, like at first berating me for my addiction but now I feel accomplished that i have beaten it he’s decided there was nothing to beat as I was never an addict anyway
Fwiw I am over all greatful to him for shining light on it all, that just hurt yesterday and I can’t understand why he’s now taking this stance when for YEARS he’s told me the opposite .
I really don’t mean to be harsh but your friend sounds jealous of you. Just because u have managed to stay soba and trust me I know it’s hard at times your friend sadly hasn’t got it yet . Maybe keep pushing your friend like they did to u cos addiction is a killer and your friend sounds like they need the help x
It’s almost always hard to swallow the truth about one’s self, and easier to dish it out.
Also, remember. He might be seeing himself in the former you before starting sobriety and either refuses to accept it or hates what he sees. Then add jealousy watching you healing and sober. You can’t change nor force him, you can only change yourself for the better. Becareful, tho you don’t want him, his words or actions pull you back down the rabbit hole.
I’ve been told the same, someone once said your not a proper addict if you can just give up like that, so I shouted at them, Give up like that, I’ve been trying to give up for 36 effing years. Oh they just don’t get it.
I think your friend saw the way you handled your sobriety and how you maintaine it seemingly smooth and easy (even though it has not been) and he is struggling with his own addiction. So it is easier for him to belittle your addiction and the progress you’ve made as mere nothingness, simply because he struggles. To that I say stay a force of positivity, encouragement and strength for him. His comments are a projection of himself onto you. Keep up the hard work!
I agree with everyone else here. My drinking habits qre the exact same. Don’t let other peoples expectations and labels dictate your life. You are the only one who knows your true struggles and the strength it takes to overcome those daily.
People are just like this not sure why
Don’t allow this person to take your achievements away from you! Do not give them head space.
What you have done is probably the hardest thing you will ever do!
I just messaged my friend there to ask him about this as I didn’t want to build up any resentment.
It was odd as he sort of dodged around it and said something about how he knew i was uncomfortable identifying as one so said I was a problem drinker instead… which isn’t true as he knows I’m comfortable with it now but anyway, I think he was trying to justify it but he did apologise so now we can move on. (And he knows I’m onto him )
Fwiw he’s got more clean time that me so its not like he’s in active addiction or anything, and he’s a very good friend so I’m pleased it’s been cleared up.
Thank you for letting me share on here. It helped clarify it in my mind so I knew I needed to open up to him about how it made me feel.
Damn, I’m lost for words except to say that I’m so glad you came here to vent. I’m so glad I come here to vent or read other struggles. This is a powerful app with so many pi powerful people saying some powerful sh_ t! It’s like we all have Super Powers we were unaware of. Keep doing what you are doing! Thanx for sharing and thank you everyone who commented! When we share or respond it helps both sides! Your sharing helped me see my life situations clearer! Thank you all! Peace Out !
Stay mindfull. I had the same situation. I had mixed feelings, was confused and after over 2 years clean I started to believe I might not be since it seemed so effortless. So wheeled me in I having a wine now and then. Proving me 2 months in after a mental setback, now I knew how hard it actually was. And is.
It’s a form of manipulation/control and it may be conscious or not.
There have been people on this forum (only a few) who’ve pulled that one - ‘You obviously never really had a problem because I had it much harder than you’ - on others in the past. They got short shrift, and quite rightly. Who has the right to belittle another who’s been through what we have to get straightened back out. NOBODY.
You’re doing brilliantly @Solanaceae, don’t let your friend steal away one iota of your hard-earned work.
Agreed with above it’s easy for someone eg. An old friend of mine smokes dope and I had a pill/meth problem( big difference) but for him to tell me i need help and be so condescending in regards to the way he did it really hurt as he didn’t think marijuana was a problem for him even though it was apparent it was having an impact on his speech and mental state I believe he was envious that I had not had any of these inflictions despite the fact the substances I was using were what you would call harder drugs. Stay Strong !
I lived with my brother a few years back and we’re both alcoholics. This was before I got way out of control so he was in a much worse place than me(jobless, isolated, never showered or did his laundry, etc) but bc I did cocaine also I was worse in his mind. He used the fact that it was illegal to back him up. Truth is we were both sick but he just couldn’t see it yet.
@Solanaceae I too have met people like this. There are allways people who compare their story to someone else’s, and come to the conclusion they had it worse then you have, or went through worse (life changing) events then you have been through.
People like this couldn’t be more wrong. We all have our own journey, that means in active addiction aswell as in recovery. Not one story is the same and therefore not comparable in more worse or easier or what not. Your story also led you to the point your life was out of control, yes maybe in a whole different matter speaking, but the outcome is the same which means it’s equally important, equally worse etc etc.
Stay close to yourself and your own recovery. In the end you are still the one that knows what is best for YOURSELF. Wish you all the best. You are doing great!
This is a funny thing. I know a guy like this. He thinks that some of us are “spoiled “ because we got it on the first time. Or because we haven’t struggled as hard as him.
He thinks this of me for sure. I never got arrested or got a dui. I didn’t get a divorce (came close tho). And mainly because I have only had 1 sobriety date.
Lol, sorry if quitting drinking was easy for me. About a week in I asked God to remove my obsession to drink. And he did. Ever since it has been very easy to not drink. Sorry about that folks. Ha.
That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t dead inside before. That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t completely broken. Quite the contrary. It’s because I was so broken that I was able to know that I didn’t want to drink anymore. There was no question.
So please don’t ever apologize for being able to succeed. People will be jealous that you never relapsed or failed. Fuck em.
This should get bookmarked to use later for the next person needing a solid retort. No one knows anyone else’s interior life or struggle. I want us ALL to succeed.
wth!? So for all these years it’s been ok for him force the idea onto me that I’m an addict, and believe me it wasn’t nice to hear but now ive finally accepted it and found it’s ‘easy’ to become sober (I have not btw… ) he throws it back in my face that I was never an addict anyway?? 
)
Out !
