I’m C and my addition is alcohol. I would consider myself a binge drinker. I’m 30 years old and have been married for seven years and we have a five year old daughter. I started drinking in high school (mainly when my first boyfriend and I broke up) then heavily in college when my parents passed away. My dad died from complications from Alzheimer’s when I was 19, then my mom committed suicide when I was 21. Getting blacked out drunk was a common occurrence for me and was my way of “coping.” Two years later I settled down a bit once I met my husband and graduated from college. We got married that same year and I got a good job. The only problem was any football tailgate, office party or wedding-one drink was never enough. I could never have one casual drink. I took it 0-100 real fast. I would drink before going out with friends, I would drink before a job interview, I would drink before a presentation for a class, before going on a date. I have anxiety and OCD tendencies and would always use alcohol to make me feel less anxious or stressed.
I had a healthy pregnancy and never touched alcohol, but once she was born and I stopped breast feeding I went back to drinking. Not sure if it was postpartum depression or I was doubting myself as a first time parent but I needed something to ease my anxiety. I was a stay-at-home mom for the first five years of her life. (My husband doesn’t know) but there were some days I would drink at home when we were stuck inside all day. I joined a moms group in my town to meet other women with small children. I met some good friends as well as friends for my daughter but it was also intimidating being a new mom with all these other “seasoned” moms. I couldn’t help but compare myself and my child to the other families and felt pressured to be perfect. There were a few times I drank before playdates because I was nervous how these moms would perceive me. I was later elected president of our club and was terrified of coordinating these monthly meetings and I’m not much of a public speaker (i’m terrified of public speaking actually). I would drink before these meetings (a couple glasses of wine) to ease my nerves and pray my colicky toddler wouldn’t cry and interrupt my prepped speech.
I feel especially bad for my husband because his mother was an alcoholic and he doesn’t drink. (She is 6 years sober but has health complications from drinking). He has no patience for heavy drinking and I have promised him countless times, “I’m not going to drink anymore.” It’s not fair to him and especially not fair to my daughter considering I have been buzzed and had her in the car with me. I am not proud of that at all.
There have been too many instances: bachelorette parties, friend get togethers, etc where I just keep drinking and drinking instead of just having one casual drink and being good. My breaking point was when I came home drunk Sunday night after lying to my husband saying I had to stay late for a meeting when actuality we went to a nearby bar for a girls birthday party. By the grace of God after all these years I have never got a DUI. My husband greeted me at the door and proceeded to pour out all the wine in the house and told me how mad he was for lying to him. What’s even worse is that during that blurry night I remember flirting with a co-worker (who is also married). I haven’t had a drink since Sunday but I have been dealing with uncontrollable guilt. I really don’t want to drink anymore and hope I can be a better person/mother/wife. Any comments are appreciated!!
I didn’t read the whole story but I think you have a good chance of quitting alcohol. You have some great insights in the reasons which cause you to drink and the effect it has on your loved ones. Social drinking is dangerous for people with other tendencies or sensitivity to alcoholism,you must refrain from that as well. Good luck…
@cmac as long as you sick to it, it doesn’t matter how many times you said it before, you don’t need to drink again. Find a good way to break your habits and do it. Some like meditation, or walks, I personally sought help from a doctor and i don’t believe I could have made it as long as I have if I had gone a different direction. Stay strong, be patient ( sober is harder than drunk at first) you got this.
I totally understand the new mom anxiety and pressures. Others can be SO judgemental (especially about breastfeeding). My son is 1 year old and I am also a stay at home mom who has been battling alcoholism since teenage years (I’ll be turning 29 this year). I was also sober for the pregnancy and while breastfeeding. My son was super colicky for the first 6 months and my husband was overseas. Naturally, I went back to drinking as soon as I could.
I use that sober time as a reminder that I CAN do this if I put my mind to it. There is still a human whose life depends on me staying sober - me. My life depends on me being sober.
But I’m not trying to make this about me. I just want to tell you that you aren’t alone. This forum is full of awesome supportive people. Keep your head up. You can do this! hugs
Welcome @cmac There are a ton of very supportive women in sobriety here. It can be a bit different for us, I think, so we speak the same language so-to-speak. The fact that you’re here telling your story takes bravery. Give yourself a chance to get everything in sobriety that alcohol promised. Use the guilt and remorse to make you a stronger person. It will be difficult at first but will get easier over time. There’s different types of people from all over the world, different lengths of sobriety, and different recovering addictions here…but we’re all here for the same reason.
I really appreciate your feedback and it’s nice to know I’m not alone. Since I can’t have one casual drink I decided to cut cold turkey. 5 days without a drink and my body is finally forgiving me and I feel better.
But as far as Sunday night goes, i’m still feeling guilty because that coworker said I kissed him. Nothing more than a kiss not even making out. I hardly remember but alcohol is no excuse for doing something like that. That was the biggest wake up call knowing I could have ruined my marriage. I haven’t told anyone not even my best friend. What should I do? What would you all do or has anyone done anything like this before?
I’m sure the kiss was a drunk indiscretion, not making it ok, but guaranteed something that would never happen again if you give up the drink. Whether or not you tell your husband is certainly up to you. I can tell you if my wife admitted this to me I would be very upset and I would ask for a solid commitment to giving up drinking, but it wouldn’t end my marriage of 16 years. I also have a 5 year old.
It wasn’t OK at all. I guess when you’re married for so long and someone gives you attention and finds you attractive I stupidly and belligerently fell for it. No excuse. Addiction runs in my family and I need to steer clear of it for the sake of my family.
Thanks for sharing and welcome!! I also drank before presentations, sometimes before class just because. Let’s be real, it got to the point I no longer needed a reason.
I didn’t drink as much for my undergrad, but once I got to my MA I was drinking all the time. Before class, after class. Anyways, glad you’re here!
Thank you for the warm welcome. I’m so glad I found this site and there are people in the same boat as I am. It sucks the need to drink just to calm your nerves!
One thing that struck me immediately is your clear concepts and understanding of yourself. It seems the drunk kiss is what you’re really trying to get information on.
Let that event be the crux to you improving your life, ideals, and family. Do this by continuing your clean living endeavor and working on yourself- no one continually drinks to obliteration without a deeper issue.
Either way, I like how matter-of-fact your personality is and can easily see you using that, and this event, in a beneficial way.
We can rebuild her, better than she was before! Haha, good luck
Ditto! Sometimes I look at my anxiety as a blessing in disguise because it reminds me that what I’m doing is not okay. You see your problem so you can change it. Don’t beat yourself up. Let’s try to look toward the future and be excited about who we can be for our children and families
You have the power and the desire to quit I can see that. It’s tough when that anxiety creeps in but that’s your opportunity to make yourself a stronger person . I realized with myself I need to just bear the pain sometimes of whatever it is instead of numbing myself with alcohol and each time I do it I become a little tougher and a little better at handling life’s curveballs.
