Im one year sober while married to an alcoholic. {Venting}

I have now been sober for 1 year 4 months and 18 days. Long story short my last night of drinking was almost my last night of living blah blah I woke up the next day and made the decision I’m better off without drinking. It has been a tough struggle staying dry as my wife still drinks (like a fish) and occasionally asks me to stop at the store to get her a box of wine or a case of seltzer drinks. I have asked her not to quit as I feel it would be unfair for me to ask that kind of change, but to at least slow down with the amount she consumes (currently 1 box of wine a day and 4 seltzer cans). She claimed that she needed it to go to sleep, and I was okay with that, so I asked her to try what I called a tolerance reset by trying to not drink for 24-48 hours. She put up a fight but decided to try it, unfortunately she didn’t last beyond 4 hours. Recently she decided that she might have ADHD so she got medicated for that, and they also put her on Seroquel for the sleep issues. After observing her new sleep habits on this medication I concluded that it was more than enough to replace her dependency on alcohol, so I again asked her to try to reset her tolerance. She tried to tell me that she still doesn’t sleep which I know isn’t true since I personally no longer sleep more than 2 hours a night now. In the beginning she was somewhat supportive of me having to quit but that slowly turned into dragging me to bars and large drinking gatherings. Now, I just don’t go out anymore. I don’t leave the house unless I walk the dog, I go to work and go directly home, now I am avoiding going to work as much as possible which I’m now on the verge of getting fired. Mentally I feel blank, I feel like I lost all my social skills. I miss who I used to be and yet I feel I can never go back or face the worst case scenario. Bad timing to quit, worse decision to accept this is life. Too proud for AA. Tried therapy and my therapist disappeared after 2 sessions. It’s getting tough.


Hey James, really sorry to hear you’re going through such a tough time! One of our members started a thread about having a partner or loved one who is still drinking/using. You may find some great additional support there

You’ve done amazing to reach 1 year, 4 months and 18 days - it’s something to be really proud of! Pride can be a dangerous thing though if its stopping you from trying different supports - can I ask why you feel to proud to try AA? As a compromise, would you consider trying Al-Anon? It’s a support group for the loved ones of those who do have a problem with drinking.


James First of all thank you for sharing your feelings and personal struggle with us :heart:

While reading i can only imagine a part of your pain and powerlessness over the circumstances, But I feel you are very special and strong inside your heart, you have been sober during such tough scenario which few of us are able to do.
sometimes our efforts are in right direction but it takes a little more time for all things to get in place, i feel God knows and appreciate your efforts and your wife will also be in her way to recovery soon just hang on a little bit more

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“proud” wasn’t the best choice of wording… it’s more of a recent mental/social block I have aquired. I’m not very good at speaking to people in person about any issues or things like that. I have never heard of the a anon thing though I could look into that. Thank you for the input

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After cleaning up I have found myself looking to God for some sort of guidance, honestly I was not a believer before I changed my ways. I believe there is some good happening around me however the loss of mental/social skills has been the hardest feat. I had a few job interviews and I felt nothing during them, I couldn’t answer questions and I couldn’t remember anything I rehearsed before going. That part of the lifestyle change has been hard

Sorry to hear about your situation. It’s really tough living with someone who drinks heavily. I have first hand experience and it was ruining my marriage. We got to the point that we were like roommates, only communicating when we had to and sleeping in separate rooms.

Why? I’ve met some pretty amazing people in AA and have formed lifelong friendships. They helped me to get out of my comfort zone and do sober activities that I would never do on my own. There’s nothing better than getting together with a bunch of like minded people and having fun. Thankfully, my husband is now sober but those people helped me get through the worst of it. They’re continuing to support me (and him) while we repair our relationship.


Congrats on your sobriety. That’s awesome.

Personally I struggle with social anxiety around big groups but forcing myself to step out of my comfort zone has been life changing.

In the AA program I feel so much love and acceptance and we all have the same disease / allergy. We all share the same bond by default.

I’m very fortunate in that my partner only has a drink once in a blue moon. I don’t know I just think a support group is such a blessing.

Mar anon is a group for family of marijuana users. Maybe you could look at something similar in the AA program.

Being in a relationship with someone who has destructive habits is tiring and frustrating, so be sure to take care of yourself spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally etc

I know @Dazercat has a very similar dynamic and a real sweetie, maybe he could chime in here with a guys perspective. Best of luck.

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Ah ok. I myself struggle with social anxiety and opening up within groups. The beauty of AA is there is no requirement to share, you can just sit and listen. If they call on you, you can simply introduce yourself and say you would prefer to only listen today/tonight. There are also online (zoom) AA meetings which run 24/7. I find they are great for listening to at night time.

CBT with a counsellor or therapist may be helpful. It can take trying a few different professionals before finding a therapist you click with and who doesn’t leave (how annoying is that!!?! :woman_facepalming:), please don’t let one negative experience stop you from trying again.

I can relate

Last year was toughest for me in this regard,i was very antisocial and was not doing well in my job i was not able to express myself to people around me and i asked God to help me , i didn’t get an direct answer from him but with my faith humbly i asked again and again…
Slowly some ideas came to me -why can’t i do something which require no interaction to other people in my workplace, i started to accumulate skills require for independent work opportunities and start online freelancing related to them , now i have resigned from job and working independently from home.
I am not saying this is a solution for anyone experiencing the same but moral of the story is if you believe in a power greater than yourself and moving forward with a positive attitude things will slowly change in your favour answer will come not directly but by series of incidents and thoughts.

( My own interpretation of God - when i close my eyes and sit in meditation after a while i sense some sort of light i don’t know what it is but i tell all my problems to it i cry my heart out and i already start to feel little better)

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You’ve got plenty of options.

Try a different therapist, it’s a shame that one disappeared, it doesn’t mean they all will. PS therapists are people too and life stuff happens to them … Don’t take it personally that they disappeared.

Make new connections, get a new hobby or volunteer, start opening up your life, you have all the time that you would have been drinking before.

Set an example of soberiety for your wife. It has to be her choice.

Don’t write off AA, it’s not about pride, it’s about support and meeting like minded people who are in similar circumstances. I personally don’t go to AA but I can totally see the benefit if you are isolated and need connections.

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