I'm sad. When I'm sad, I'm gonna vent in here rather than overloading my friend


#41

Alright girl, here are a few things I’m going to say. Now remember while you are reading this that I’ve been exactly where you are. My abuse wasn’t physical, it was emotional, and it was total. Nearly crushed the life out of me. I really thought it had crushed the life out of me. But I was wrong!

First, go get a job. That’s a huge amount of control you can take in your life. For me, working in the service industry is exactly what I needed and still need. I absolutely love it. I worked in a coffee shop when I was your age and almost all of my customers loved me because I was giving them their much needed morning boost. There were assholes, but I just said fuckem. Can’t make them all happy. The fact that I was making my own money and could decide what I wanted to do with it was the first step in me getting out of where you are right now.

Second, when I say move out I don’t necessarily mean run as far as I did. Just move to a different part of the city. Get space and distance. Take your life into your own hands. Or go live in some dorms or whatever when you go to college. Anything to get out of the current situation. First step in doing this? Get a job. You can’t move out this second, but you can put all this energy towards making your life YOURS instead of spending it all dwelling in despair.

Third, while forgiving people their misdeeds is important in life, forgiving yourself and growing is needed first before you can truly forgive anything or anyone else. The harder you work on yourself the less you will give a shit what other people can or can’t do for you. There is no way to control how people are, what they can give, or how they treat you. No way! You can only control yourself. So take that control and make it the best thing you ever do. That’s all anybody can do.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but if someone had told me these things when I was your age I would have been a lot better off. That’s not to say that terrible things haven’t happened, they have. But these are some of the first steps to taking control of your own life, and only by doing that can you eventually start to sort the emotional stuff out. Find a place of strength. Be able to say I DID THIS. I live here! I make my own living! I make my own way! ME ME ME! Then you can give everyone else the middle finger or you can CHOOSE to have them in your life. But it will be up to YOU what and who you want in that life. You have so much energy that’s going into such a negative place. Rechannel that energy into making your life YOURS and no one else’s. This is how things happen with the beliefs you have. Send out positivity and get it back. I mean REAL positivity. Make positive choices and positive changes.

I do have a lot of sympathy for what you are going through girl. But there are no kid gloves here. Stay strong and move forward. It’s the only direction life moves. Doesn’t go backwards and it doesn’t stay in today, it goes forward. So make forward work for you my friend.


#42

Wise words that you should take a lot of heed to, @Kakimime1. Honestly though, you tend to skew the way things should be into some arbitrary way of being hurt. Forgiving people is never a negative thing. You cannot forgive enough. You said that you forgive them so much that they end up hurting you. Not true. Those are 2 separate things there. You’re allowing yourself to be hurt by others.

Forgiveness doesn’t have to be stupidity. You can forgive and still realize that if Joe stole something from you, he’s likely to do it again. Just because you forgive someone, does not mean you have to give them your trust.


#46

Thank you. Yeah, I’m trying to find a job. I feel like that’ll help. A lot. Especially cause then I can move out if I really need to. But yeah. Ur nice. It’s nice to see someone who’s gone through similar stuff. You’re really nice. Thank you. I’m gonna try.


#47

I’m gonna try. My parents are a lot like that. And I’m so sorry about your friend. There was someone I knew who did that too and we weren’t very close but everyone was crushed including me. So I never want to do that. ever. Again, I’m so sorry. It sucks to lose a friend.


#48

Huh. Interesting. My thing is that I forgive someone and then they do the same thing and I forgive them and so on. But at some point shouldn’t you stop forgiving them and call the cops on Joe for stealing your stuff?


#49

You can call the cops on someone and still forgive them. You’re confusing forgiveness with being a pushover. Someone that’s screwing you over doesn’t deserve your trust necessarily, but that doesn’t mean that you have to harbor resentment for them.

Example: I got a job right out of Grad School working for some guy who had these pie in the sky ideas for his practice that were completely unachievable. He had no marketing plan to bring in an associate doctor. He was a terrible businessman who foolishly thought business would just magically increase because there was twice the availability. The demand wasn’t there though.

Anyway, I moved there with my wife and then 3 small children, signed a year lease on a home and started working, being very excited to be out of school and finally doing what I love. You can imagine the horror i experienced when 5 weeks into the job, he fired me because his business was being bled dry. Now I had no job, 4 people depending on me and was locked into a year lease on a home.

I found another job an hour away. Had to commute 5 days per week crossing a toll bridge there. Did that for a month and a half until we moved there. But, we weren’t able to break the lease and ended up paying double rent for several months. The financial devastation this screwup of a boss did to me took us a year and a half of living poor as church mice to recover from.

I desperately wanted to ruin this dude. Wanted to turn him in to the chiropractic board for not doing his continuing education, blast him online with bad reviews from fake accounts, etc. But, what would that accomplish? I harbored resentment for years. Every time I thought about it, i was filled with rage. Finally i learned to forgive him and forget him. The burden lifted.

You don’t have to relive the abuses people give you. Forgive them and forget about it. Otherwise, it’s like you’re climbing a mountain and you continually pick up rocks and put them in your pack. Eventually, you’re going to be to weighed down to move. You have to unload your burdens.

Sorry for the long post. Hope it helps.


#50

I’m trying to forgive people. But forgiving someone for touching you when you try to make them stop, causing flashbacks and panic attacks, after they already knew you had an experience like that before and didn’t want them to do anything sexual is different. That’s someone who knows the bad things it’ll do to you and decides that because they want to get off they deserve to use/touch whatever part of you they want whether ur ok with it or not. And if I forgive him, I’m saying it’s ok he did that. And then I have no right to have flashbacks or panic attacks, which I can’t help. Plus, being angry at him is the only thing stopping me from blaming myself again and feeling hopeless. Plus it was his friggin fault.


#51

I’m tired and I can’t talk about this rn. I just had group and I’m really worn down.


#52

Wrong. Forgiving him is not saying that it was okay. It’s washing your hands of the situation. Its saying that he’s a horrible person that has a horrible life and you wish he didnt have the bad experiences that turned him into the monster that did this to you. Forgiveness is not justifying him, and it’s not discounting what happened to you. Forgiveness gives you power over the situation. You are now above it.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you’re no longer angry with him either. Of course it was his fault, but the person in power forgives, even when forgiveness is not warranted. You absolutely didn’t deserve what happened to you, and it was not your fault. Admitting that even an evil person like him is flawed and has been broken by life, allows you to see through clearer lenses. Life is no longer about being a victim, but being one more person in the world who goes through hardship and rises above it.

I’m in no means trying to minimize or invalidate what happened to you. I just hope you know that there is healing available in giving up hatred and loathing.


#53

Idk if I can forgive him. I’m pissed at him. And he really messed me up. I have to go through a shit ton of therapy every week already and now I also have to talk about this shit there too!??? I was just starting to be ok and now I have another whole thing to deal with. So I need to focus on dealing with it. Later I can worry about forgiveness. After I can walk in a hallway without looking over my shoulder. Or sit next to someone without having a panic attack.


#54

Hey, you can deal with it whenever you want. If you’re going to get all pissed because someone tells you the truth, then there’s not much advice I can give. Yeah, you have a lot to work through. We all do. You have to admit that a self-defeating attitude isn’t going to get you there though. You are not at fault, the world isn’t bent on your destruction, everyone you interact with in life has their own set of problems that they are struggling at resolving. A little empathy for others would really put some things into perspective.

Sorry if I’m being a jerk. Just trying to help.


#55

Wym pissed cause someone told me the truth? I know. I’m normally not self defeating. This is just a chat for my bad moods. I normally don’t give up. But when I feel like I want to I write here and people normally motivate me. I know everyone has issues. I’m just trying to deal with mine before considering anyone else’s.


#56

I understand that. I’m totally okay with people venting on the threads, and I’m totally willing to help out and vent along. But, when people start projecting on me, that’s where I check out. Not here so I can have people get pissed at me.

That being said, I get it. There’s a lot that you’ve got to deal with. And if you think that you were getting into a good place before, you clearly were just putting up blinders and not confronting your problems. I brought up something that is tough for you to fathom right now. Dont worry about it. Deal with what you can in the moment. One day at a time.


#57

Here’s another thing. I dont know if you’re religious, but here’s a teaching from one of the prophets of my church:

“Do you want to be happy? Forget yourself and get lost in this great cause. Lend your efforts to helping people. … Stand higher, lift those with feeble knees, hold up the arms of those that hang down. Live the gospel of Jesus Christ." -Gordon B Hinckley

I’m not saying that you sweep your problems under the rug. I’m saying that service is therapeutic in healing your own wounds. 12 step programs support this principle as well. Think on it a little bit, alright?


#58

Need to vent and didn’t want to create a new thread.

Last week my wife asked me for my resume, to send along to a contact of hers. Very thoughtful of both of them. I sent it to her and then she asked if we could sit down to tweak a few things before she sent it. We just went to do that… She has a change in mind for every line of my resume. It’s overwhelming. She could tell and asked if I wanted to leave the room and let her make changes. I feel pretty humiliated and stupid right now. It’s not a garbage resume. It’s really good and previous versions have landed me my last 3 jobs. So, now I’m sitting on the couch in the living room while she goes through my work with a fine tooth comb…

Just frustrated. Just needed to dump that somewhere.


#59

I totally get that. My wife grooms everything I write. Emails, texts, etc. It gets annoying sometimes. Often I feel like she overthinks her replies. Other times she’s wise. It’s taken me a long time to become humble enough to accept direction, correction and understand that I’m usually wrong. I think if we look at ourselves and say, maybe I can learn something valuable, it takes a lot of the pain out of criticism.

Sorry you had to go through that. Hearing that you did something that wasn’t good enough always sucks to hear.


#60

I spent about 5 hours today with my parents because it meant a lot to my brother and grandfather. However it is so upsetting the way they act and make others and myself feel. Totally rude, offensive, selfish, self-centered, racist, holier than thou, NEGATIVE, always putting people down DOGSHIT behavior. I kept my cool for the first time in years. I changrd my act, EVEN THOUGH it breaks my heart to let them make me feel so poorly. Again.and again. And they weren’t even supportive of my brothers masters graduation ceremony.what a fucking pity considering they didn’t even complete community college.

It threatens my sobriety to be around them, it is sOoOoo hard. I try and remember at least I get the opportunity to know my parents and I SHOULD be grateful I was brought into this world.The world of HATERS(sorry not sorry).


#61

My family is awful. They treat me like shit and then wonder why I feel so bad about myself that I try to kill myself. What do they think is causing it??? Like I feel so bad about myself that I can’t eat. Like not that I don’t want to, but in order to not starve, I have to make myself eat and I am. But then there’s also the self harm issue. And ahh. Whatever. Like I’d gotten ahold of my self harm and eating stuff. But now with all the lashing out they’re doing… I just don’t know anymore. I don’t really need advice fyi, I just had to say it and maybe know someone hears me.


#62

I hear you. How’s sobriety going? Let me know if you ever want to chat


#63

Eh. Not too great. I’m on 19 again. At least it’s not one. But I’m not counting my eating stuff anymore cause it’s too hard to tell if I don’t eat cause I’m legitimately not hungry and don’t need food or if it’s in my head. The thing is I’m nervous. I’m worried that if they keep telling at me, I’ll keep hating myself so much that I can’t eat, like I felt earlier. Idk. That was a rant. Overall, I’m ok. But it’s hard.