Here I am again, after using tonight. I had deleted every text and phone call from my dealer from the history on my phone. This idiot forgot to delete the actual number though! Well, it is now blocked and deleted. So even if I tried to use again, I literally cant. It was a difficult thing to do. I was on the phone to a friend at the time, and she encouraged me.
The scary thing is, I feel absolutely terrified of how bad I’m going to feel the next time I go to text him and I remember I can’t. It feels like a break up, and considering the relationship I’ve had with this substance is longer than any relationships I’ve had since 2005, it’s a big deal, but I know I’ve done the right thing, as hard as it’s going to be.
I haven’t cried since one of my cats died in January 2018, and before that it was March 2014, but I feel there will be tears if ever I find myself going to text the dealer and can’t. Why is it so hard to give up something that we know is bad for us, it makes no sense. I just want to be free, and feel free, and be happy about it.
If it was meant to be easy we wouldn’t be on here right now, your doing all the right things but with all the wrong emotions. And that’s the bitch we mental punish ourselves of the loss of something, Concentrate on all the things you are going to gain. Everyday I wake up I’m a different me, happy, sad, emotional, angry, positive, hopeless. The only constant is clean and sober and for now that’s all we need to know, everything you feel is abnormally normal as long as you remain clean. Drugs That’s when it turns to shit again. Be strong.
I still feel terrified. I know I’ve given myself the gift of freedom, but I feel like I’m lost in the middle of the ocean and don’t know how to swim. I’m journalling and writing all the positive things about sobriety, trying to alter my mindset, but I’ve got a lot of work to do.
There is no trick to this and its so easy just to say it but absolute acceptance that this is how it’s going to be, don’t over anylise every thought and emotion just let it be, acceptance is key for me.
I’m now feeling anxious about whether I actually did block the number before I deleted it. I really hope I did, but now I’m going to be living with the anxiety of wondering if a text will come through. I guess I just have to try not to think about that, and in time, I will know.