Hi, I’m back again. It’s been a weird year and now I’m coming back around to about a year since I last seriously got sober. I’ve added a lot of chaos back into my life and it seems like it’s starting to leak out in places that others can see. It’s hard to hide belligerence. On top of it, I’ve had an old eating disorder creep up again worse than ever. Basically I feel like I’m fending off this unidentifiable, heavy black mass that’s surrounding me and overtaking me, and bingeing is the only thing I can do to keep it from consuming me. I don’t know when it stops. Sometimes I feel like I don’t care about anything and sometimes I’m crippled with shame for everything about myself. The air around me is thick with hatred and anger, and I just want to be numb. But why??? I don’t know what happened. I know I’ve been through some weird stuff the last few years, but I don’t know what exactly got me to this point. I’m embarrassed to get help. I’m scared to get medical help bc I don’t want it on my records. I’m afraid to tell anyone that might be able to support me bc I don’t want them to know who I really am.
Please don’t be mean or curt, I can’t handle it didn’t now. But if you have anything you can suggest to me to move me in the right direction, out of this pattern, I’ll take it. Thank you, I just need to feel not completely alone right now. I want to feel like I’m worth fixing, but it’s so hard when I hate what I’ve become.
Don’t give up on yourself, you’re worth it!!! You came to a good place for support! . Is there anyone you can confide in? I’m doing this alone too, somehow ive been really good at hiding my drinking and no one has a clue. Sometimes I want to break down, cry and tell them, but I’m too ashamed. Being sober has helped with my anxiety so much and really had a positive effect on my relationships and work. Nice not having to lie all the time and not feeling hung over and sad and so ashamed.
Boy can I relate to all of what you are feeling right now. I remember being in detox in Dec and feeling like you do now. I was so ashamed, guilty, anxious, hopeless, broken. Numb, yet feeling the deepest darkest feelings I have ever had. I remember attending one of the meetings in there and the guy leading was saying how we had to get clean/sober for ourselves. I asked with seriousness and auch disgust, " but how can I do this for me when I hate myself so much?" No I deeply loathed myself. I was also at the point in my addiction where it was painfully obvious to those closest to me and I couldn’t hide it if I tried. I stopped trying too. The pain of my condition was so deep and soul crushing that I finally didn’t care who knew. I just couldn’t live one more day or even hour the way I was. I was going to either die or a miracle was going to take place. And thank God the latter is exactly what happened. But I had to give up first. The only advice I can give you is to surrender. Stop fighting so hard on your own. Stop fighting yourself (your true self). She wants to be sober and well. Stop fighting God. He is the only one who could help me at this point you’re describing. He can help you too. And then you have to let those who love you help you. None of us can do this on our own. You need those closest to you…that’s why they’re there. I hope you can grab hold of a hand or 2 that are reaching out to help save you. you’re worth saving. Trust me.
It truly sounds to me like right now the universe is asking you to let go and let it work for you. It feels like you are missing connection and maybe you find that in a room of people who share some of your issues or maybe by talking to a friend or a therapist. There is no shame in seeing a therapist. A therapist trained to treat those with eating disorders could be the ally you need right now.
Coming here is a good, first step. Better to light a candle than curse the darkness.
Have you thought about counseling? Lots of people seek counseling for all kinds of stuff. Doesn’t carry the stigma you may think it does. Or maybe a life-coach.
The key, I think, is to shine some light in your life. Surrounded by positive things. When I need something positive, I listen to the Love What Matters podcast.
Peace and prayers.