Hey Everyone hope everyone is doing well in these crazy times. I know that I’m usually on here trying to spread positivity and inspiration ( especially for the Newcomers ) but I’m also human lol so of course I have my days. I hope you guys don’t mind me unloading a bit and hopefully I can get some perspective and advice. I’m try to give you guys the readers digest version of my situation and keep it short . Anyways, I’m going on 9 months and some days of sobreity and of course it hasn’t been smooth sailing but I definitely have been dealing with negativity and difficult situations in a better way from all I’ve learned from AA and my 30 days in rehabilitation. I’m finding out alot about myself, ESPECIALLY The things I need to look out for and my triggers. I’m starting to realize that one of my biggest triggers -for some reason , and I’m currently working on this with my therapist- is being single and feeling lonely. It’s always been a problem for me and for some reason I always need some kind of validation or whatever , or just comfort , it’s not even just physical intimacy but also knowing someone is there for you , not just as a freind but something deeper. Now before I when into rehab my girlfriend at the time broke up with me because of my drinking, in fact, that was one of the main reasons I Decided to get clean, by the end of my 30 days I came out with a different perspective and told myself that I will stay single for the entire year and just focus on my sobreity. When I left rehab one of the first people who messages I saw was my ex , and even with all I said and the promise i made myself I gave it another shot …long story short …we didn’t work out and over time we broke up again. I continue to focus on my sobreity ,AA , and reconnecting with my higher power but during all this I still tried dating apps and a few times made attenpts to re connect with old flames with no success. I started to feel like I wasn’t good enough for the opposite sex, even while attempting to find a better new me through sobreity. I tried not to take it personally but at times my feelings would be hurt and I would tell myself " Why even stay sober,I might as well drink " KNOWING that it was so much more to not drink over. As the months when on and I talked to my therapist about these things I started seeing everything alot more differently and in a brighter light. I figured my higher power wanted me to work on myself because he had someone truly amazing for me down the line and I needed to work more on myself to appreciate them . So , a few weeks ago my ex called me , we talked , she vented about a guy she been dating …things seem well but then at time he kind of ghosts her. Anyways , she says she didn’t know who else to talk to …so …I decided to be there for her…long story short …the one day she asks if I wanted to have sex …keep in mind …it’s been almost 5 months since I had sex and I figured what’s the worse that can happen…we did it and next thing you know it became a regular thing. Two weeks of is the connecting and me catching feelings …one day she tells me the guy hit her up and she seemed so happy, I felt like shit. Keep in mind she didn’t mention us stopping, in fact she wants to continue to sleep and be intimate with me and be " Freinds" with him , see where it goes kind of thing . I told her I couldn’t , I love her and I can’t see her with another person. It kills me. Anyways …she’s upset …I’m fucking depressed and heart broken and lonely wondering when is it that I can find someone to settle down with…idk …I’m aware that I have issues with being single , and don’t necessarily feel like drinking …but I’m so fucking sad today … and needed to vent somewhere. I talked to my sponsor and other fellow membs of AA, it helps a little bit …I pray …it also helps …but still …I’m hurt …like really hurt ……anyways…thank you for taking the time to read all this …and I hope to hear from you guys … your all so amazing and blessed so I felt very comfortable opening up because I know I’m get some good motivational energy.
I’m sorry you’re hurting and that your ex took advantage of you during a vulnerable time. I really liked what you had to say here, and would hold on to that thought:
I don’t necessarily believe the whole “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else” concept, but I do think it makes relationship a whole lot easier. Needing our partner to provide us with validation we can’t give ourselves is a lot to expect, and honestly most people can’t live up to that all the time. Unmet expectations lead to resentments, and resentments are detrimental to alcoholics. If you can learn to validate yourself and love yourself, you’ll radiate positive energy and attract people to you. You’ll be much more likely to attract someone who will love you and respect you for you, and not for what they can get from you or what holes they (and you) think they can fill for you.
If you’re into psychology (or just open to it) I’d highly recommend looking into the concepts of growth vs deficiency motivation by Maslow, and The Art of Loving by Fromm. Super interesting stuff and may give you a healthy, focused way to explore your feelings right now. Just a suggestion of course! No pressure.
Oh, and awesome job staying sober through all of this! That’s amazing and you should be proud of yourself
Thank you so much for your kind words and perspective, I appreciate link you share and I’m read it right now , I felt alot better as I was writing and venting all of that and I know that I’ll get over it and I need to focus on working on myself for me and my loved ones and maybe whoever I end up with in the future .
Hi I can say from the mental health out look of this that your sad feeling are valid and that it’s okay to allow yourself to feel sad for a little while. Don’t be to hard on yourself for feeling depressed, it’s the action you take from it that matters. You reached out which is a step now what can you do to build on to the next step? Journaling my feeling and emotions has helped me mentally.
Thanks ness, I got to say ,just writing all that and venting on here has helped me feel alot better .