I’m 39 trying to get sober again. I went from social drinker in my younger years, to drugs and drinking alone. I got sober 1/5/2009. I relapsed in June of 2013. During sobriety I met and married a wonderful human being. Life was good until I found myself bored and thought maybe I wasn’t an alcoholic. Surprise I still am. After some time after my relapse it didn’t take me too long to go back to blacking out and waking up with bruises. Fast forward to now. I’ve struggled with trying to stay sober since my relapse. I do my best drinking alone. My husband isn’t aware of how much I was hiding my drinking while he was away at work. My last couple ragers were different. I’m not a daily drinker but a binge drinker once a week, twice a week or more. It varies due to work, or my anxiety and depression. These last couple times I drank I physically didn’t want to. My brain convinces me otherwise that it’s a waste of a day off without drinking, or well there’s nothing else to do might as well drink. I’d reluctantly start to drink. It didn’t even taste good. I drank my booze fast to get drunk quicker to get over the taste I found myself not loving anymore. My mind is obsessed, while physically and in my heart I don’t want to drink anymore. Here I am on my original sober date feeling exhausted, useless, scared and full of guilt for all the drinking and blackouts that have happened. I’m glad I found this app and I hope that for the rest of today my brain will not get the best of me.
@Leelee77 welcome. Thats a tough story to read as well as a strong reminder that we are never truly cured of our affliction. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you very much.
Hi @Leelee77 and welcome. Thanks for posting. I’m only 20 days, no relapses. But sometimes I still catch myself fantasizing about drinking one day. Thinking how much time do I need and then I can start drinking again. I try not to think too much about the future. One day at a time. Otherwise it’s too depressing.
@Elisabeth Hi! Thank you! Congrats on 20 days! The mind sure does like to fantasize about drinking. Its pretty frustrating, but like you said one day at a time. It’s easy to forget the bad times when you start thinking about drinking again. I found myself very angry at myself today. I was angry that I can’t drink like a normal person. I can’t wait say I have 20 days! 
Hi @Leelee77 I know where you’re coming from…
.1-31-05 was my original sobriety date. I would of had 12 years. I’m on 4 days sober today. I too forgot I couldn’t drink normally and am an alcoholic. I too was a binge drinker. It will be ok. Don’t ever give up. You’re on a new journey now and your experience of sobriety can’t be taken away.
@Melrm Thank you for your kind words! I didn’t even realize what today was until I went through this photo app that shows pics you’ve posted on this day years ago. My heart sank and that’s when my brain went to work. “Well you might as well drink since you’re a drunk.” It made me very angry at myself for being the way I am. I forced myself to go to the gym after work. I pressed on the bruise I have on my knee from my last blackout (12/31/16) to remind myself what happens when I drink. We have 4 days today and we will take each day as they come. Here’s to our journey of sobriety!
On my last blackout on 12-31-16, I fell on gravel and trashed up one side of my face (could of been a lot worse- knocking teeth out or injuring my eye) I took a picture to remind myself. Also, not to ever drink again on anxiety/anti-depressant meds. The guilt and embarrassment and hangover that came next was the worst part. But that isn’t me today so I have a chance.
I’m right there with you @Leelee77. Sisters in Sobriety. We got this!
Ooooh we blacked out on the same day! Im glad you didn’t lose teeth or an eye. Pics are scary, fantastic reminders. I chipped my two front teeth during one of blackouts a few months ago. I have no idea how I managed to do that in my house. During my last blackout I thought it was a great idea to take a Vicodin I had left over from when I got my wisdom teeth removed. So stupid. That guilt, embarrassment with a hangover feeling is so scary, and it gives me a lot of anxiety. Yeah you do have a chance @Melrm! We do got this, sister!
@Leelee77 what you initially said rang so true to me. Hiding the drinking, drinking alone, binge drinking depending on work days or anxiety/stress, feeling that days off were wasted without drinking, drinking fast… all of it. Thank you for sharing, it helps to know there are others going through the same realities
I hear you. Keep strong. Strive on. You’re not gone.
When you’re in it doing those things it just becomes normal, at least it did for me. I found myself saying well that’s just the way I am and I shouldn’t feel bad. I did feel bad. I felt so much shame and guilt. I think that’s why it’s taking me long to maintain sobriety because of all this guilt and shame I carry around from my drinking. Thank you for reading my story @DanielleRae. It really does help to know others can relate to what it’s like.
Thank you! You, as well! We’re still here. We can do it.
welcome. step by step Day by Day you are not alone.
+24h
@Jony_Garcia Thank you! Finally talking to people on here has made me feel less alone.
Totally @Leelee77, it’s been incredibly helpful having a place to talk without judgement
Yeah same here everything you described used to be how I would function. I still want to get drunk and have those urges but at the end of the night feel kinda proud of myself everyday I dont and glad and thankful for sense of peace and calm you have without drinking. Its been 67 days but I still feel like it will be a long time before im out of the woods. Thank you for posting. I can relate your story alot. Hang in there and just remember life is so much better in the long run without it. You got this!!
Congrats on 67 days! Or is it 68 now? 
It’s the nights that scare me, but the mornings are so much better not being hungover or trying to piece together a night of blacking out. Thank you for your reply @ablane890! We can do this!
@Elisabeth…these thoughts have been sneaking up on me a lot lately too. I don’t like them but there they are.
Hi @Leelee77 I can relate to you so much aside from having so many years sober , I’m 35 and I’ve been battlling for over 10 years now. That’s one thing that scares me about going years sober becuse even weeks sober or months that feeling of well I could drink one or two NOPE I really can’t. I’m 33 days today and it’s been hard but we keep going. You had many years sober and I hope you’re very proud of that . Much love 