Intro potential trigger warning

Hi everyone, I’m Melanie and I am an addict. Whew that was hard for me to type, first time I’ve really intentionally said it to others. I guess I’ll start at the beginning and offer a TRIGGER WARNING just to cover my booty. Mods and Admins, please remove if inappropriate or I can edit if need be, but this is my truth and I’m ready to stand in it fully and completely, while trying to hold back enough as to be as sensitive and respectful to others struggles as possible. And I’m sorry ahead of time for the novel lol

My trauma started at a really young age, actually, I was born into a pretty traumatic situation. Both of my parents were addicts, and some of my very first memories involve them either using meth around me and my older brother, or fighting incessantly while they came down, to the point of my father getting physical with my mom and if we got in the middle we were shoved out of his way. I found out later in my life he used to cook it in our bathroom while me and my brother were in the apartment. It was a really rough upbringing. When I was about 3, my mom had had enough after my dad kidnapping my 2 month old premie cousin and brought her in our apartment to get my mom to go back in so he could do whatever he intended, which normally wasn’t rainbows and butterflies. So after quitting cold turkey and committing to her own sobriety from amphetamines, the three of us(my mom, my brother and myself) left California for Alabama and lived with my grandpa for a year, year and a half, until my mom got the urge to move to New Hampshire where her brother(my premie cousins father) and his little family were at the time. we spent 5 years there, where me and my brother grew and thrived, while my mom dated and worked back to back 12 hr graveyard shifts as a CNA, and now looking back she was an absolute supermom. Unfortunately, and fortunately later on in life, my brother and I were, more often than not, left alone, so we naturally had to grow up a bit early, by the time we need to step up for ourselves, I’m 5, trying to cook whatever I can remember my mom doing, of course with only using the microwave as I was scared of getting hurt, and even had my first cig when I was 7, one of my not so great “adult” ideas… Anywho, life was pretty good in our eyes though, even though we yearned to be with our mom, we were happy to be happy and healthy, and of course we fought like sibling do, but it almost made us closer in a way. Flash forward to us moving back to California when I was 8, my brother was 10. My dad got sober and attended NA meetings and worked his steps, and we were happy just to be able to see and be around him, as he was pretty selfish in his addiction and had zero contact with us after we left Cali when I was 3. So he was working on himself, got a great job, things were looking up, and of course I was always getting in trouble because even at 5 I was exhibiting signs of ptsd, anxiety, ocd, anger, and then, once puberty hit, no one could control me. This brings me to when my addiction starts… At 9 years old, my mom let my have my first taste of alcohol in the form of a corona, which I hated the first time, but it made me more curious than anything, so at 12 I started sneaking beers, or the b&js because I actually enjoyed those. I was molested at 11 by one of my dad friends which I now know fueled everything for the coming future, same year my mom married the piece of work that is my stepfather. When I was 13, I was introduced to mary jane, started hanging out with the stoner crowd in school. At 14 I started sneaking whatever liquor I could get my hands on, and of course filling the displacement with water. At 15, I was bringing screwdrivers to school, ditching classes or the whole days sometimes, to go smoke weed and drink with the “cool” kids, my mom ended up shipping me to live with my dad, who at the time only had partial custody of my and my brother. At 17, I moved back in with my mom after begging her to come back because I missed her so much, I had only been able to see her every other weekend and that was only if she was willing to come get me, I felt abandoned, left out, cast aside to watch my family be a family and carry on without me. Now, dont get me wrong, I knew and know she loved me, but I felt she never had time for me after having my younger two brothers, who are 12 and 15 years younger than me and then all of that, after a lifetime of craziness prior, it was a big blow. so anyway, at 17 I moved back in with my mom, befriended my soul sister, who is still my bestie to this day, who was my moms babysitting while I was away. we partied, drank together, even dabbled into E, and not one of us in our group was going down a good path. My early 20s were filled with sparatic drinking binges, experimenting with coke, having an addict boyfriend who was addicted to crack and heroin, which I dabbled with crack a couple times, but never touched h, and for that i am grateful because I probably wouldn’t be here if I did. I dabbled with pills a little, opiates, adderall, morphine. None of that stuck, thank god, and I was able to walk away from pills. I got pregnant with my daughter at 25, and I quit everything, which at the time was drinking only, and I couldn’t seem to kick cigs. I started dating an ex from (when I was 19 and only healthy relationship I had ever had), who quickly became my husband, only his alcohol use had gotten more frequent than I remembered, but was willing to work on myself in order to help him(we will be married 5 years in june), and I was only drinking socially at the time, only every so often and never took it too far. So about 2 years ago, after me being ok with only drinking every so often, I had the idea to try and offset my husbands drinking by drinking some myself, and maybe he would see that and slow down, and I in no way blame him, it was my choice to make a dumb decision, as I knew by then addicts dont get sober unless they want , but I ended up falling into that cycle for the last 2 years, drinking varying amounts almost everyday, to try and offset his amounts. Well, about 6 months ago, I made the decision to get sober for me firstly, but for my family as well, because my uncle has sorisis of the liver starting, he’s detoxed 6 times in the last 6 months, and I’m feeling the direct effects of alcoholism on a family, and I’m not willing to put myself, nor anyone else through that pain, ever. AAAND I’m proud to say, even my husband is on board and is slowly weaning himself off of alcohol as we speak. I am hopeful for the future, and so grateful for the present and to be able to say, I am sober <3

ps.
If you have any words of encouragement, tips, tricks, etc, please feel free to reply or message or what have you. Thank you for your time, energy, and effort and getting to the end, but the real beginning of my story.

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Hi Melanie :wave:, nice to meet you. Welcome :pray:.

Find what sobriety support works for you and go all in… AA, sobriety podcasts, books, this site, smart recovery, celebrate recovery. Whatever you choose just commit to sobriety every day. We have to actively work on our sobriety to keep it strong. Reach out anytime. Best wishes

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Hi Melanie,
Glad you found us. My tip is: be around here often. Read all you can about your addiction and how to beat it. I was here every day first year of my recovery and that was a huge part of my still being sober. It still is because when I need it: I’m here :wink:

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That’s a tough journey to where u are now, time to stop the cycle. If u use the microscope search function and look for ‘resources for recovery’ u can find a thread with lots of info. Look forward to hearing more from u!

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Today is day 4, this go around. I plan on reaching out and asking for stregnth or distraction if I feel like drinking, or just distract.

Thank you so much for the support, and well wishes, it means the world.

Thank you so much for the tip! :slight_smile: I look forward to being here and the journey to come

Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing your story. This group has people from all over the world, so there is usually someone available to help out if you are struggling. My advice? Take it a day at a time, or an hour, or a minute - whatever you can handle. Concentrate on having your head hit the pillow sober each night.

Read a ton of quit lit and listen to sobriety/recovery podcasts. There is so much help out there. I am glad you’re here!

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Hello Melanie :wave: It’s nice to meet you. My name is Lisa and I’m an addict. I’m glad you found us and I look forward to taking this journey with you.

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