Hey all.
My name is Cait. Not sure what I’m supposed to say here. I took off work today because my hangover was so bad yesterday, I couldn’t take a sip of water without throwing up. My body today is shaking, I’m both hot and cold at the same time and I haven’t eaten in 24 hours… It’s funny because I was in this exact same position last Monday. Two Mondays in a row my alcohol addiction has gotten in the way of my career.
I guess you could say that’s why I’m here.
I have no control and alcohol is blocking the path towards the life I want for myself.
I’ve always envied people who can say “I have no regrets in life”. None? You’ve never done or said anything you wish you could take back? You’ve never gotten drunk and thrown up in public at a professional event? You’ve never gotten black out wasted and apparently cheated on your partner without rememebering it? You’ve never gotten so plastered the entire week of Christmas that you couldn’t spend quality time with your family because you were preoccupied with the pain of that 7 day hangover headache or the thought of getting sick?
Yea… that must be nice.
I realized that every single regret I have in life… ALL of them, happened because I was drinking. I do not have one sober regret. Not a single one. So why has it taken this long for me to get to this point - cutting alcohol out of my life for trying to ruin everything for me? For me, alcohol is like that abusive partner you just cannot quit. You have one horrible night, but for the next few days they’re kind, you have fun together, everyone loves you two together… but they don’t see what happens when those bad days come.
I grew up in an Irish family where I’ve never seen my grandfather without a glass of Jameson or vodka, my dad welcomes every night with a double shot and a beer. My stepmom is wine drunk before most people get home from work, my brother drinks until he passes out, even though he’s had 2 DUIs and has sworn off alcohol a few times in his life. It’s just what’s accepted in my family. Functional alcoholism. Every single person in my family is successful. All those people I just named with the horrible drinking habits, they all own their own businesses, or lead a fortune 500 company, or work as head nurse at a hospital. THAT’S why it’s so hard for me to quit. I’ve grown up seeing the people I love, drink the way they do, but still end up huge successes. So what’s the big deal? Heavy drinking doesn’t ruin their lives, so why should I be worried about it ruining mine?
Well it is. I got a huge promotion at my job, so I welcomed that news with a weekend of binge drinking to “celebrate”. I wonder what my 7 year old self would think of my 27 year old self - getting disgustingly drunk because I’m HAPPY about something…
I finally got to go back to Chicago to see my family whom I only get to see a few times a year, and I get so drunk I can’t catch up with anyone. Our conversations are a combination of small talk and phrases like, “Do you want another shot?”
It’s time. Every day is a day closer to a time when my parents might not be around much longer. A time when I might want to start a family. A time when I might want to become a leader at my company - or leave my job to do something I truly LOVE. I cannot afford to not be present for what’s coming. I refuse to let my final regret in life to be that I never quit drinking so I wasn’t there for the people that needed me most, including myself.
So that’s me. Raw, unfiltered & vulnerable. Ready to receive judgement and side glances, but hoping for understanding and a s*** ton of support.
Day one.