So everyone who has been following my posts knows that alcohol has been a tricky third wheel in my relationship with my boyfriend at times. While he’s been supportive with my decision to not drink, I know he feels threatened. The only time he really drinks now is at gigs which for the most part are only on weekends now that it’s the winter. So that makes me feel good.
I don’t go out to his gigs so much anymore. I might go to 1 or 2 a month when before I went to almost every one during the summer when it was 7 or 8 times a week and in the winter when it slowed down to 3 times a week. The main reason I don’t go anymore is not because I’m uncomfortable in the environment, I’ve gotten a handle on that; it’s because it makes me sick to watch him go from sober to completely messed up.
But what I’ve been noticing now is that when I’m out with him and he’s drinking, it’s bothering me that he’s drinking at all. I don’t display that feeling to him though. The other problem is that I’m getting irritated that if I choose not to go or to leave early, he stays out and drinks.
It’s not because I’m jealous that he’s drinking and I’m not; that’s not the case at all. I think it’s more of a icky feeling of like why can’t you just go home, why do you have have to stay out and drink all night. And I feel like because now he doesn’t drink with me or when we are out together, he misses it so when he gets the chance it’s like a big treat and I’m not there so he doesn’t have to watch himself or monitor himself or anything.
I don’t know how to deal with this feeling or how to bring it up to him.
It seems like you are worried about him ending up becoming a binge drinker?
Sounds like a totally fair feeling, but one which maybe you should share with him so you don’t silently build resentment. Who knows if it will change his behaviour though. We can only change our own. Keep up the good work!
For me, personally, it was the realization that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with an active alcoholic basically. And if he doesn’t want to stop drinking, any conversation you may have won’t help much imo. I’m sorry I don’t really have a solution to offer for you, once one partner sobers up and the other continues, it’s a tricky situation. I hope yiu two can work it out.
My advice would be to have a chat to him, I’m sure he loves you enough to understand. I’ve found it’s tricky not to sound patronising or as if you are taking some sort of moral high ground now you’ve decided to quit though… I made the choice for Me and my welfare and health, my partner still drinks but is more in control of her ability to stop when she’s had enough… good luck, definitely have a chat though
He is definitely a binge drinker, always has been. He’ll drink up to 20/25 drinks if he’s at a gig. In the summer I can’t believe his body can even function. We’ve gone through several situations that involve him drinking where he’s put us both at risk or done things to really hurt me. So there’s that whole piece of it already. But like I said, since I’ve stopped drinking, he won’t drink when he’s with me. He just drinks at gigs now since most of the time he doesn’t pay for the bulk of drinks as they are bought by the crowd. So he says he doesn’t mind that we don’t drink since we save money.
That’s exactly my feeling. He gets defensive when I try to talk to him because he doesn’t want to really look at the fact that he binge drinks. My worry now though is that because he’s stopped drinking with me, he now looks at it as a treat - something that he’s given up with me so is now really looking forward to doing even more when he gets the chance. With that mindset I don’t want it to divide us. And the thing is when he drinks, he’s a happy, fun drunk. He’s like fun Bobby from Friends, if you’ve ever watched that show. But he also makes horrible decisions, puts him or us at risk, and won’t won’t about his behavior which ends up most of the time hurting my feelings. It’s just frustrating to keep watching him harm his body and not look at the fact that he has an issue.
I guess at some point you just have to ask yourself if you see a future with him and the life he leads. Looks like he enjoys his drink, and doesn’t seem to want to stop, eventhough hes not drinking around you (and that’s awesome tbh, my ex never did that eventhough he promised me sure enough times. Ugh I even had to go to the shop to buy him beer because of his withdrawals. Sorry, I got off topic, my mind was wandering around.) even if he’s a happy drunk, what difference doesn it make, his liver or heart or any other organs really do not care if his a happy or a miserable drunk…
It’s a scary and uneasy feeling when we start to grow apart from.someone, which it sounds like you are. You’re choosing your health and well being and you’re growing and thriving in your new sober life, but he’s still back in that old life. Eventually you will have to decide if you are still compatible and if this is still a fulfilling and satisfying relationship for you. It’s so tough but don’t be afraid of growth and change, its been good for you so far! Hope you can find some peace.
All I can add as I get healthy I am looking to be surrounded by healthy relationships. But truly is this something you can live with for a year a decade… You are growing sometimes we will accidentally outgrow things. Sounds like you are seeing this already. I hope you find peace with whichever decision you make.
I think you predicted something similar to this coming a while ago @BrookieB - I do hope you work things out as he does seem to want to support you.
I was in the same situation when I was in my early 20’s. My boyfriend at the time and I would drink constantly. After work out or at home while playing cards or watching tv etc. We were happy drunks together and also angry drunks. He started to get abusive and I wanted to stop drinking so much. Nothing worked out between us. We broke up. I’m now with my fiance who drinks once and a while but he never binges. I don’t mind him having a few beers around me. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you can work it out with him. If you can’t, you would be much better off in the long run.
Well, not being the most successful type when it comes to relationships, I’m certainly not going to make any comments there. That said, I do agree with some of the other people here… you may just be growing apart somewhat, maybe you want different things in life. That happens as people become more mature, things that seemed great and cool when you were younger, suddenly don’t anymore.
He may well be a very nice bloke most of the time, but the alcohol is going to end up hurting him - and you - at some point, I’m afraid.
Here’s wishing you peace.
My suggestion is to write out your feelings in a letter to him. Then sit on it for a night and re-read it once more before giving it to him or using it as a guide for discussion with him. You’re obviously concerned about this and the impact it may have to your relationship. Big hugs!
Wait, 20-25 drinks? I too am amazed. I’m no lightweight (5’ 7", 200 LBS.) and 20-25 drinks would give me alcohol poisoning. Alarming. Hate to think of what it’s doing to his body.
My dad and his wife were co-dependent alcoholics. I used to have visit them every summer. I hated it. Every summer one of them was trying sobriety, while the other was still drinking. The fighting and passive-aggressive behaviors made the environment intolerable. They were like two crabs in a bucket. When it looked like one was about to climb out, the other would reach up and pull them back down. They were like that until he died, at 50.
At least at home my mom was a solitary drinker. She didn’t have anyone to fight with.
Pray that this situation doesn’t pull you back in.