I want to get sober so badly. My only problem is that my wife is also my partner in crime. I hate to say it but she initiates the drinking 9 out of 10 times. Well we just had a bad weekend and she doesn’t think there is anything wrong. I had anxiety all day and had a heart to heart and told her I have to get sober. I can’t go on this way, I’m going to end up dead or in jail. It’s shit show after shit show with us. Regrets and apologies on top of regrets and apologies. Honestly I’m tired of the whole cycle. I told her I wanted to get serious about treatment and she thinks I’m overreacting. All I get from her is denial. Does anybody have any experience with this? Help!
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Lashline, you have an unsupportive husband that owns a brewery. And I thought I had challenges. Well done! You’re an inspiration. Thanks!
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Hi there! Im sorry to hear that. My sig other same song and dance. He laughs it iff or just pretends its not a big deal. Anytime I bring up change or say hey lets do something different for awhile its pointless. I realize I have to change on my own. If he chooses to follow great. Im going to map out a calendar of all the daily activities Im going to do. Each day work out, go jogging, yoga class rent movies, go hiking etc. To keep me on track. Im hoping he will be bored and realize how lame it is to drink all the time
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I do but mine is my husband…same story…he doesn’t get why I want to stop.
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I had the same problem my husband was the biggest enabler and never wanted to stop
It literally took hitting rock bottom for him to finally try to work along with me on the path of sobriety. It is possible but you just have to put yourself first and work on yourself and if they love you they will support you
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I also am the lone sober one in my marriage to my husband. He’s basically tolerant of my decision, but not really encouraging if at all. He’s snapped at me a few tines and I called him out on It because it hurt and was uncalled for. I’m 99 days sober and very happy with my decision to quit. He’s drinking about half what he used to, I consider that a bonus. I will add that I was the bigger drinker between the two of us and just couldn’t stop at one. When he was late coming home from work, I’d basically be smashed.
Alcohol was literally wearing me out and had way too much power. Quitting was and is the right choice for me and him indirectly. 
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Congratulations on your success! 100 days almost! You’re an inspiration. I have a hard time processing why our sigs don’t think this is a great thing and an awesome gift. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
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My husband ‘said’ he was supportive early in my journey years ago, but he wasn’t at the same place as me mentally, spiritually, emotionally or physically with alcohol…he just did not get it and I think the whole sober thing scared him. Who were we if not two happy go lucky partying cocaine fueled drinkers? Ha. We were a fighting, codependent, unhealthy alcoholics.
It took me a long time to really understand that this was MY journey, I didn’t need my husband to support my sobriety, I needed to support my sobriety. Whether he drank or not was HIS thing, not mine. I was and needed to be pretty self focused (as an addict that sure was not a problem) for the early times in my sobriety. A lot of discussions with him (only when he wasn’t drinking), a lot of early nights for me reading in bed, a lot of relapses and struggles, but eventually I found my strength and sober footing. It wasn’t easy with an active drinker in the house, but we are both reasonable people and we have made it work. It is not a perfect situation, there is none, but he is much more supportive now (a few years into my journey) and understands it and is also more aware of his own drinking issue.
Bottom line for me…until I took 100% responsibility for my sobriety I could not heal. Keep your focus on YOU and keep moving forward.
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I consider myself fortunate, in that my wife is 100% supportive of my sobriety, as it was the one thing keeping us from moving from a “good” marriage, to a “great” one.
I have observed the dynamic of co-dependence in my ministry, except that it was expressed in financial irresponsibility. Usually, one spouse is attending my class and then approaches me after to ask my advice. They are trying to implement what they’ve learned, but their spouse is either ambivalent, or worse, directly resistant to the changes. Things like living on a written budget can seem quite confining, or threatening to the uncommitted party.
I’ve heard this called “poopy diaper syndrome”. Yes, a change is needed because it stinks, but its soft, wet, warm and 100% theirs…so they will fight to keep it.
Your spouse might feel their own lifestyle (or perhaps addiction) threatened, in much the same way as one feels threatened when the other starts focusing on eating healthy, and working out. “What will we do for fun? What will I do for fun? I am being forced to change, because if I don’t he/she will become dissatisfied with me. They are only thinking of themselves…hepaderpaherpaderpderp…”
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Kind of, in a weird way? I have an overeating disorder so food, especially junky food, is my addiction. My SO understands and is supportive but some people tend to view food addiction as different. If I we’re trying to stop drinking, I have no doubt he would not enable, but because it is food, he doesn’t really think twice about “yeah let’s get some pizza” or ice cream, or going to the store for snacks. I don’t think he is intentionally unsupportive, but I think it doesn’t register or he doesn’t realize. Because while he could see me drinking or smoking or most other types of addictions and easily tell me to stop or not suggest it, you can’t really suggest someone doesn’t eat or never ask if they’re hungry or whatever, you know? Not sure how much sense I am making but I tried!
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My partner supports me but has not quit himself. I didn’t quit expecting him to do the same but we had a habit of drinking in the evenings and pretty much all day on the weekends. We have 9 and 2 year old daughters. I just couldn’t do it anymore. Granted, my partner is a more ‘functioning’ drunk than I was. But my strength in staying sober lies in my love for my family. My man triggers me often since we still have booze in the house and I can hear him pouring. He ordered a delicious looking cold brew at a restaurant the other day while he joked about me not cleaning the house. Triggers. But my sobriety is not about him, it’s about me. And when I’m feeling weak, I come here and find myself in others. I see the ones who are 100 days in and I see my future self. The person I want to be. Stay strong and know you are not alone.
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When it comes down to sobriety you have to get selfish. Some time show by example works and if then it doesn’t it will lead down to whats worth more misery that loves company…endless cycle which u are in or after the storm cherish the 
My husband drinks like a fish so to say, but he doesn’t get blackout like I used to. He still drinks, and in the beginning he would bring wine home (my DOC) and I had to be very clear that I wouldn’t be partaking. Don’t make your sobriety contingent on anyone else’s. When my husband realized I was serious he stopped asking. And now actually he drinks probably close to 70% less than he did when I was drinking. You will always have enablers- partner, family, friends… etc. You do you and get sober regardless of her weekend plans
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So i’ll chime in on this thread since i wasnt sure where to post about it anyway… currently i’m finding that since I’ve stopped drinking my husband has actually started drinking more, especially in recent weeks… he hardly ever drank when i was drowning myself, but now i’m seeing a definite increase and I’m not really sure how to deal with it.
Preaching to the choir. My husband is my biggest enabler and trigger for drug use. He makes it readily available and I’m tempted daily. I’ve told him to respect my sobriety, but he’s always like “Just one won’t hurt…” I have to argue with myself in my head as to why I shouldn’t give in. Lately I’ve started just leaving the house when my husband starts talking about drugs. Sometimes I fear the only way I’ll truly remain clean forever is if I left my husband, but I’m not ready or in a position to leave him (for a variety of reasons). So often I feel trapped. I just have to daily give myself pep talks and find ways to avoid my husband when he’s using. Easier said than done, but my sobriety needs it.
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Do you think it’s because he knows you’re going to be there handling all the responsibilities?
Kinda yeah. Like he had to be the responsible one before and now it doesn’t really matter.
I think i’m feeling weird about him drinking in front of our kids now too but it’s hard to say anything about it given where i was just a few months ago
I started to feel that way quickly too about alcohol in front of my kids. They are NEVER around it now. And if they are, I really feel uncomfortable. I think you have every right to say no drinking around the kids.
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I was for ten years he is the father of my son and I had to leave it was the hardest thing I ever had to do … so I don’t have to see him my parents do the suppervised visits but yeah it was the best thing I ever done for myself been clean ever since 
🥰 it’s hard bc they have this power over you but you can do it I’m telling you from my heart I loved him I still do I just know he would enable us both till we od’ed sadly and my parents are all about me and my sobriety
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Yep. My boyfriend is a bartender and we got together because we were both drunks in the same dive bar every night. He is verbally supportive of me quitting, but he still comes home wasted fairly often. His drinking has definitely decreased now that I’m not there going shot for shot with him, but I still get really upset dealing with his drunkenness sometimes. He “wants to quit” in the way that he says it all the time, but I don’t foresee him actually doing it, at least as long as he keeps working at the bar he is right now. It’s a very “Cheers” like environment but with much heavier drinking, so all the customers are like family.
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