I’ve had a misunderstanding of what codependency was. I thought the codependent went out to try and fix other people’s problems. In fact, I usually heard the term to describe someone trying to fix the addict. But after discussing some of my own issues here some posters have told me that I am codependent. That sounded so wrong to me because I don’t try to fix other’s problems…I can’t even fix my own. But after reading and listening I am realising that yep, I am classic codependent.
So my question is…is it an addiction on its own, outside of my alcohol abuse, or is it possibly a “cause” of my alcohol abuse. I know that I spend a lot of time doing everything for everyone in my home and then get really upset when I don’t get praise or recognition and then end up feeling like an overused doormat. That feeling is often what gets me to reach for the bottle.
I’m just wondering what I need to focus my recovery on. I know that abstaining is only part of the solution. I need to learn and understand why.
I don’t know, I’m not being very eloquent here. Is my question clear? Can anyone give any suggestions?
(p.s. And no, I haven’t read the book club book…I am looking into getting it, but I don’t have it yet)
Habit…I think that’s how I would describe my Codependency issues. They might have been started for one reason or another, but I think it’s just something i do without thinking about it. But when I DO think about it, when I am more aware, I can adjust my line of thinking, expectations and end result. I know it’s not as simple as the “think positively”. But it’s really just adjusting my expectations, making myself responsible for my feelings (which takes a lot of thought process) and letting go of what I cannot control-which is literally everything outside myself.
One of the things I have to learn to do is let go of my expectations. I don’t think there is anything wrong with doing things for others but I need to not expect them to be grateful for it. I’m constantly looking for other people to make my life more pleasant (in this case it is by wanting praise) when I really need to take control of it myself.
The book says it’s common for co-dependents to eventually become addicts themselves (me). I’d recommend reading it ASAP if you really are curious about this.
I think not being overly “available” to everyone, setting boundaries, and being mindful of your needs and how you’ll feel after doing something for others will be helpful.
I want to be there for everyone that needs me, but if it makes me resentful, I’m only hurting myself and most likely them as well.
You’ve got some interesting questions here - some that I have wrestled with myself. Where did my codependency come from? Did my codependency/trauma/low self esteem/depression cause my alcoholism or was it the other way around? Were all my problems the result of my experience of being parenting or generational issues? I got to the point of realising that there isn’t a single answer or solution, so I decided to stop looking for one, because it doesn’t matter where all my mal-adaptive character traits originated. What matters is how I deal with them now.
I came to realise that my experience is a complex weave of a number of different strands: alcoholism, other compulsive behaviours, low self worth, mental health, trauma, codependency, etc etc. One did not cause the other and I need to treat all of these issues, both independently and collectively.
Sobriety is not just about abstaining from alcohol, it is about identifying and dealing with the root causes of what I was trying to dull/escape/self-medicate and why. I’ve done therapy whilst still drinking and whilst being able to make some progress in some areas, there were other areas where it was not possible. Not drinking without therapy, AA, self-help books, etc would be a real challenge for me and a ticking time bomb until relapse.
So I guess my point is that I focus on treating ALL the things ALL the time - there isn’t a single answer or source. Gradually, I am getting better on all levels - mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. The way I care for myself and the way I care for other people is changing for the better.
This is basically what’s called the Karpman Drama Triangle. Rescuer -> Persecutor -> Victim. You spent energy/effort helping/fixing, get mad at them for needing you/not appreciating you, wallow in self-pity for not being appreciated, etc.
I think that’s a “chicken vs. Egg” type debate, and a distraction. Rather than focusing on correlation, probably better to look for causation.
Awareness and admission are two big steps forward. Just as you are fighting a dependency on alcohol, you need to treat the object as addictive. If it’s a spouse, and you choose to remain married, the challenge is moderation, building Independence without separation.
The thing about codependency, you have to examine two people’s behaviors, thus the “co”. This gets dicey because you only have the ability to control one of the people…you.
And man oh man am I ever recognizing all my codependent behaviours. Doing stuff for other people that I would NEVER ask of others. Though I’m not sure which is worse. Doing the stuff for others, or not asking for help for myself? Just this morning I was driving to work when my husband texted me to say he forgot his meds and could I bring them to him. Instead of saying I had already left the house and could he take them this evening instead I turned around, went home, got them, and drove them to his work. But I would never have texted him to ask for this for myself. I wouldn’t want to be a bother to him. Yet I rationalized helping him out by saying “but it’s medication…it is important for his health…it’s not the same as a forgotten lunch”.
It seems relevant so I’ll share here. Some spiritual stuff I’ve been listening to lately was talking about doing things for others and then resenting them for it. It said you need to focus on doing what makes YOU happy. Happiness can’t come from anyone else but inside of you and you can’t be pouring yourself into anyone (or everyone) else and expecting to come out whole. It will never happen. You can help others ONLY if and when it makes you happy to help. If you dont want to do it because it doesn’t please you, don’t help! However. Those that are used to you doing everything will likely blow back. I mean, why would they ever want to take care of themselves if you do it all for them? But…what happens when you aren’t there? It will also help them to learn how to do what they should and rely on themselves for their own happiness just as you are. I understand this is WAY easier said than done but I wanted to share in case it helps anyone because it certainly helped me!
