I need some advice. This is a situation that’s gotten me so anxious I feel sick. Literally, sick.
I’ve been struggling with my moods and I have my first therapy appt tomorrow morning but lately I’ve been feeling horrible resentment towards my husband.
We’ve been together 8 years married 6 and I just literally feel no emotion one second and the next I’m fine. We don’t laugh like we used to, we have no affection towards each other and he says he’s fine with the way we are…I don’t know if I’m reading too much into this or it’s over and he just won’t say it bc we have 3 kids…
I feel like he takes no responsibility for any disagreements me have and it’s kinda his way or no way attitude…he doesn’t see it as this but it is…I don’t know what to do or think is it bc my heads not in the right place or do I really not have any feelings left for him and it hurts to let completely go?
I’ve been married for 10 years to my wife. We have 4 kids living with us, 2 are step kids that she had previously. 2 are biological, and we had 1 stillbirth.
Marriage is not easy and it’s not always fun. My wife and I have both entertained the thought of living separate lives. The feelings are not always going to be there. We both know that, but we’re committed.
I guess what I’m saying is that it’s not over until you say, “It’s over.”
And if your H is anything like me, Mr. Emotional and Intimacy Anorexic, it can make things really difficult for a wife. I struggle with emotionally bonding with my wife; part of my disfunction. It’s outside of my comfort zone. So she has had to put up with a lot, in addition to catching me in the act of viewing porn. Not cool. Let’s just say that loving feelings have not always been present throughout our marriage.
But we are both grateful that we’re choosing to push through this, especially since we have children in our lives that are impacted by our decisions. There will be tough times, but in marriage, we’re willing to work through them.
It’s great that you shared what is getting you anxious right now. I wonder if you have a short term disagreement that is stressing you? Be careful you are not trying to self sabotage your recovery. If you drink tonight you might miss your therapist appointment tomorrow where you can start to work on the longer term planning. I think having that on my plate for tomorrow would be a trigger.
I know that when I went though my divorce I was still drinking and using a lot of avoidance behaviours. There were difficult things to do like go to a lawyer and get the house appraised but I was just not doing them. Then in order not to do those I was not doing other things if that makes sense. You can’t really procrastinate your highest priority if you have time for other things so I made sure I didn’t have time for anything.
How long ago did you quit whatever your here for ? How long were you actively using ? We’re there any significant events in
Your relationship? They say not to even consider devolve for like 18 months after being sober. I can relate to this feeling you’re describing though … scary. You’ll be ok 
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I had quit drinking wine and beer for a good 6-8 months by choice last summer-ish after my first really bad depressive side of my bipolar 2 happened. I had it under control felt great…like an idiot I started back thinking I could control it I was at 24 days sober when I found this forum and lost control…I started over for weeks, struggling with anxiety and my depression and irritability and I’ve been at a solid 11 days today. Not long or anything to brag about but I couldn’t make it passed 2 days before…I’ve been a drinker for YEARS out in the yard, boat, etc but it’s really gotten bad this time when I realized I had no control over when to stop and mixing with my prescription medication…
My husband is a great guy really he is but doesn’t say much raised VERY close minded unlike how I was and I just feel lately that we have NOTHING in common…I ask him all the time to do things with me and he isn’t interest in what I do so I usually don’t do them which hasn’t helped with my anxiety at all…I just am unhappy right now I don’t feel comforted or understood or supported he is just kinda… there and thinks we are totally fine he is happy with this and isn’t concerned that I think the way we have become is a problem–this is normal for him. I’m noticing when I’m in a good mood he is just sooooo negative very negative energy walks heavy huffs just has that “tone” but doesn’t see it. I need to wrap my head around things before I jump the gun my first appt is tomorrownso hopefully this will help!!
I’m need to wrap my hea
Des he drink? How does he feel bout your drinking? How does he feel about you getting sober? You said he’s negative when your in a good mood, how is he when your in a bad mood?
I’m glad you have a professional that you can discuss all this with. I’m sure it’s going to help. Try and relax a bit. You don’t have to decide anything about your relationship right mow. All you have to do is focus on yourself and getting healthy. It’s very possible that he’s dealing with some stuff of his own but you can’t really do much for him until your stable on
your own.
He does drink. Often more than he should but is never drunk like I get. He tho doesn’t see my drinking as a problem like I do bc he drinks a good bit and often and always has. He randomly texted me while at work saying he was going to cut back bc he just didn’t feel good and start doing better with me and that’s the first time he has acknowledged I have a problem that was Monday and he hasn’t drank all week and non tonight…tomorrow will be the true test tho.
When I am in a bad mood he irritates the shit out of me! Every bad thing about him comes out and all I catch is his tone of voice which comes across as sicknen towards the kids and myself and I see him more short tempered. Maybe it’s just me hell I dk I just don’t feel GREAT when I’m around him kinda felt brought down like I’m walking on egg shells and I just feel like I need supportive people around me
Ahaha! I had a big problem with my BF being negative. Was literally drinking me to drink. In the end he really was gong through some sex addiction stuff I wasn’t aware of, not at all suggesting hats the case with oh lol. Just that as I became more sober, not only did I see his issue more clearly, but so did he…and so we both made a lot changes.
Why is tomorrow a test? Are you predicting being in a bad mood or him being in a bad mood? Anything you think you can do to sort that out? Like maybe talk to him about it and see if there’s anything you can do together? I know you said that he isn’t interested in doing the Hingis you want to do, but maybe if you frame it as him helping you stay sober, he’ll be more receptive?
I don’t know but I’ve seen that type of approach work.
Saturday’s we are usually all outside us and the kids all day and he’s usually drinking beer messing with the truck or boat…etc
I tried to talk with him today and asked him if he saw a problem with our relationship he said no and he said “so I don’t know what to tell ya. Sorry.” He always says I over react and make things worse than they are but I’m not happy (whether it be with myself and the changes I need to make within myself or not happy with him) he doesn’t talk about it. I feel like I’m fighting a loosing battle
Ok I see…well once you have a more clear idea of what you want and need you can as for it in a way that he may respond to… also here’s a workbook it can use to help develop your healthy boundaries so that his moods don’t have to affect you so deeply.
This helped put so much into perspective for me! It helped build my self confidence made sobriety easier and gave me a bigger picture on who I am and what I want out of life and my relationships. Have a look and tell me what you think.
Intimacy Anorexia. When I just want to do my own thing and not spend time with my wife. When I just want be quiet and not say anything and wish my wife would talk less or not at all. When I’m in that mode, I may think things are okay, but my wife knows that they’re not.
It took me a long time to realize the emotional component in relationships. For much of my life, I thought marriage was mainly about having a sex partner. And @Decided has first hand experience in this because Intimacy Anorexia is a common trait among PAs. That doesn’t mean all IAs are PAs. So @Jbishop, I’m not implying that husband is also a PA. But I do believe that he’s displaying symptoms of IA. Coming out of that takes a lot of work because it’s sooooo outside of that person’s comfort zone. @Decided, you shared some great thoughts. Thank you. I agree with everything that you shared.
I can relate to believing the lie that my marriage can be okay if we don’t talk, we don’t spend time together, we don’t create a bond. I don’t feel anything, but she does. I was in denial. It’s actually a common problem. One spouse is feeling rejected while the other is not even aware that there is a problem. And you can’t assume divorce is the answer because oftentimes the same issue comes up in the next relationship. Much of my recovery involves repairing the relationships with my wife and my family.
@Jbishop, your husband needs to understand that marriage is more than just living in the same house together. I know that you’re in pain, and I can see why you feel like you just can’t endure it anymore. He just doesn’t see that yet. Keep sharing how you feel with him. Don’t give up. You need to be heard! Just because he’s not aware of his own feelings doesn’t mean that yours are not important. And you deserve for those feelings to be acknowledged and validated. Thanks for sharing. I do believe that you’ll get through this.