Is it normal to be afraid of falling back into your old self? Is it normal to be afraid of yourself? I’ve never been so afraid of falling back into my old ways but now I am. I’m scared my sex addiction is going to take control again. I’m scared I’m going to tell myself that my problem wasn’t that bad and I can handle it, but in reality I can’t.
Right now I’m being cautious of my triggers and I’m trying to keep myself away from them. But my triggers are natural things and that’s what annoys me. Like I can’t lay in bed for too long or I start thinking about sex. I can’t watch tv shows with sex because it triggers me. I actually hate this and I feel like a freak. When will these small things get easy for me.
I want to be normal but I feel like I’m an outcast. It’s like I can’t focus on daily life things because sex just pops up in my head. I literally don’t know if I’m just a freak or if these things will slowly go away with time.
I have to be on top of things at work because I work in the medical field. Literally I can’t be thinking about sex when I’m trying to figure out how much medication a patient needs or drawing their blood to preform blood tests or even what test to do.
How do I move on from these vulgar thoughts that even sicken me?? How do I become normal??
I think the concept of “normal” is tricky . Just strive to be the best version of yourself , which includes being healthy within fighting your addiction ! That may look different some days ! How ever being scared I think is completely normal, growth within itself is one hell of a scary journey ! Anything new or unknown throws our brain into haywire while making us question our own ability to combat it but you are here , you are choosing your health everyday and that is you being braver than you may realize my friend ! Stay blessed and stay fighting
Every time you face that fear you are learning and gaining strength. Next time you get a scary urge remind yourself of all the time you haven’t acted on it. Fighting cravings is a skill. Keep going.
I’m terrified. Mostly because I’m living it every couple of days that I use again. I don’t think I’ve gotten more than a week sober in months.
However - I have a really good attitude. I’m currently living my nightmare, working to get out, and I feel hopeful and confident in a future free from vice.
Scared is good, but not if it causes you to think about relapse so much that you relapse. Take a deep breath, recognise your fear, acknowledge it, and sit with it.
It is normal to feel nervous & scared when you’re growing in a new direction. What’s happened is you’ve become aware of something you want to change - a mental and emotional cage you want to be free from (the cage is that squirrelly addict behaviour that wants to run and hide in the “safety” and familiarity of sex, where everything is a ritual, a routine) - and changing a routine is scary.
There’s layers to this and it will mean so much to you to have that external support helping you see things in perspective. You’ll see your path more clearly.
What’s the plan for today? Will you reach out to that counsellor we talked about yesterday?
I think your right Matt. I think I do need to talk to someone because I know the only way I’m going to come out of this on top is by facing my fear and getting help😊 I thought about it last night and the more I thought about it the more it made sense that I can’t fight this addiction on my own.
As far as triggers of any addiction at times it can be in our own homes among other places. I have rearranged the furniture and painted at times. Redecorate. Watching things like peaceful scenery or animal videos along with spiritual programs to replace so called normal TV. I was told to change “everything.”
Redo the bedroom especially. Make it a sanctuary and find positive God seeking things and habits to daily routine. Especially before bed. Quitting smoking I was told to hang out inside the meeting room before and after the meeting rather than outside where I typically smoked. The 12 steps changed my life. Time takes time. Don’t leave before the miracle happens for you. The more I seek God the more He changes me. We can’t, He can.
So proud of you for acknowledging this and talking about it! Keep being self-aware like you are and recognizing when something comes up for you, and try to redirect your thought as much as possible. Over time you can retrain your brain so that these things you currently feel like won’t go away, will fade and become less noticeable and important to you. Journaling and getting thoughts down on paper can really help too! You got this.
They will. It will take effort on your part, working through your sobriety with your group & your program, but gradually that voice will be less prominent, as it is replaced by new, more constructive voices.
The voice always remains - it’s part of us because it’s been there for so many years, and so we need to stay conscious - but the brain works like this: the voices that gain strength are the ones you feed. As long as you work your sober program and make the changes you need, you will get there.
and stay fighting
